Nursery advised 2 y/o to drop days WWYD?

[redrobin123]

Hi, wonder if anyone can give any advice.

I have a 2.9 month old and an almost 6 month old, currently on mat leave.

I'm finding being a mum of 2 really overwhelming, DD1 is a lovely happy beautiful little girl who I absolutely adore but is very full on. She wants my attention 24/7 and won't let anyone else do anything for her including DH.
She is an awful sleeper, and won't let anyone settle her other than me so between her and the baby who is still breastfeeding I'm up at least 6 times every night and up before 6 so constantly feel knackered.

I feel like I spend no quality time at all with DD2 and feel incredibly guilty about it.

DD1 currently goes to nursery 2 days a week and Is at home with me the rest of the week. We get out a lot, go to classes and see friends and family.

We kept her in nursery 2 days because it took her so long to settle in originally that we thought it would be a bad idea to take her out.

We've just got back from a 2 week holiday and back to the usual routine, was told yesterday that she was very upset all day and had a few accidents (she's recently been potty trained). The holiday was a complete nightmare as her sleeping routine was all out she was constantly tired and spent the whole time there crying.

Phoned today and asked how she was getting on and they said the same, I asked if they thought I should collect her and they advised if it was there own child they would pick them up.

Have been in to collect her and they pulled me to one side and suggested I cut her days down to two half days a week they said 'we don't want her in here this upset'

She's recently had a new key worker and was enjoying it before the holiday,

I'm now at a loss as to what to do, I do not want my little girl being miserable in nursery but I am struggling so much with lack of sleep and just feeling completely overwhelmed by everything. I have both girls in the bedroom with me at the moment as they are waking so frequently whilst DH is in the spare room. DD1 won't let anyone but me do anything for her without having an absolute meltdown. I mean thinks as little as picking something up for her, making her a sandwich etc and she wants to go everywhere with me.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but she seems unhappy I don't lose my temper with her and I'm constantly reassuring her feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I felt like those 2 days were a little bit of breathing space to catch up on sleep, to get stuff done and to bond with DD2.

I feel like a crap mum, I hate that she's so upset What would you do? xxx

@Bringmewineandcake @Fantasisa thanks both, I just feel like it's such a sudden decision when she was really enjoying it before we went on holiday, I'm back in work in a few months too. I feel very guilted by them as one of the things they said to me was 'it's hard for her as she knows you're at home with the baby' xxx

@EdtheBear I agree, I try and get half an hour 121 time with her a day and always do stories and bath time with her before putting her to bed xxx

Thanks @Welliesandpyjamas

Thanks @PazRaz10 xxx

@Scrumptiousbears yeah definitely an idea thank you xxx

@peachgreen agree, I know isn't it just! Xxx

@BatmanLovesTheCircus thanks for this!! I feel they are being quite rash as they've never ever mentioned any problems with her behaviour before and I asked there advice about taking her out before I had the baby and they were adamant I should keep her in! Xxx

Nursery are being pants here, kids get upset.

I would absolutely address her not letting anyone else do anything for her though, she'll find life and nursery a lot easier once that's gone. It'll probably mean a rough few days for you at home, and it sounds like you're already balancing, but it'll be worth it. And I agree with the PP who said that little kids need boundaries at home, and she'll be feeling more insecure than ever with the baby, so reinforcing them isn't a bad thing.

@Azuresilver thanks for your advice!! Yes I agree, but was considering taking her out initially and they advised against it and after reading loads of posts on Mumsnet would be good to make sure she still got to see her friends etc and this would be a thing just for her where she doesn't have to be around a baby all the time.

Definitely agree with the other advice you have given xxx

A few people have said that she has boundary issues, in what way do you mean? Sorry if this sounds completely stupid. Xxx

@redrobin123

A nursery usually will give notice if a child’s (or their parents’) behaviour is unacceptable. However, it can also be if they decide they cannot make reasonable adjustments and/or cannot adequately provide for the child. Sometimes this can include a child who they feel is very upset and not settling into the nursery setting and as a result is causing upset to the other children or is resulting is persistently needing one on one care.

Doing shorter days doesn’t need to be long term and you could agree to build up by an hour or so each day until back to normal hours. At least that way it shows you are working with them and their reasonable adjustment to accommodate your child's needs.

Check their terms and conditions and see what reasons they specify as suitable grounds to give you notice.

You are letting her control you. She doesn't want to do this but it is an instinct to push boundaries.

Sleep. You set up a routine and do alternate days. The routine should be no more than 15 minutes. You lay her down and leave the room.

You then do rapid return. You take it in turns to go back to her when she cries. Say nothing but lay her back down. This could be 60 times repeatedly. Do not give in get her out or talk to her. She knows you aren't abandoning her as you always come back. It will be 3 days of hell if you stick to it. She needs to fall asleep and stay asleep without change.
Everyone partial wakes after 2/3 hours. If environment is the same we go back into a sleep cycle. If we need the loo etc we wake. Your D is waking bc your not there , light is now off or something else.

Your husband must take charge and bath / change her sometimes even if she insists not.

You must take charge and not let her rule you. The odd I want a mummy cuddle is fine but not dictating everything she does.

She got it more reinforced on holiday and now it's left her unsettled and your paying the price.

Setting boundaries means not letting her be in charge, setting limits/expectations on behaviour.

It's not up to a 2 year old to decide who puts her to bed or gets up in the night to her - if you decide DH deals with all the night wakings then that is a boundary you have set. However angry or upset she is, that's what happens because mummy/daddy are in charge.

She also doesn't get to choose who makes her sandwiches or gets her dressed. You need to be firm with this as it's unsettling for her and putting too much strain on you.

I would say she needs to sleep in her bed/room all night, and your DH needs to deal with her in the night so you can get some sleep before you have a breakdown.
She will have a meltdown but you/DH need to be firm and hold that boundary however hard she pushes. You can't continue as you are.

I would increase to at least 4 half days a week if I were you so she is forced to build a routine. I would also make DP’s exclusive involvement at every bedtime / bath-time non-negotiable. At the moment she knows she can get her way by crying - you need to nip this in the bud now.

@ChildminderMum thanks for this advice really helpful! Feel like I have completely lost my way at the moment xxx