Nursery advised 2 y/o to drop days WWYD?

[redrobin123]

Hi, wonder if anyone can give any advice.

I have a 2.9 month old and an almost 6 month old, currently on mat leave.

I'm finding being a mum of 2 really overwhelming, DD1 is a lovely happy beautiful little girl who I absolutely adore but is very full on. She wants my attention 24/7 and won't let anyone else do anything for her including DH.
She is an awful sleeper, and won't let anyone settle her other than me so between her and the baby who is still breastfeeding I'm up at least 6 times every night and up before 6 so constantly feel knackered.

I feel like I spend no quality time at all with DD2 and feel incredibly guilty about it.

DD1 currently goes to nursery 2 days a week and Is at home with me the rest of the week. We get out a lot, go to classes and see friends and family.

We kept her in nursery 2 days because it took her so long to settle in originally that we thought it would be a bad idea to take her out.

We've just got back from a 2 week holiday and back to the usual routine, was told yesterday that she was very upset all day and had a few accidents (she's recently been potty trained). The holiday was a complete nightmare as her sleeping routine was all out she was constantly tired and spent the whole time there crying.

Phoned today and asked how she was getting on and they said the same, I asked if they thought I should collect her and they advised if it was there own child they would pick them up.

Have been in to collect her and they pulled me to one side and suggested I cut her days down to two half days a week they said 'we don't want her in here this upset'

She's recently had a new key worker and was enjoying it before the holiday,

I'm now at a loss as to what to do, I do not want my little girl being miserable in nursery but I am struggling so much with lack of sleep and just feeling completely overwhelmed by everything. I have both girls in the bedroom with me at the moment as they are waking so frequently whilst DH is in the spare room. DD1 won't let anyone but me do anything for her without having an absolute meltdown. I mean thinks as little as picking something up for her, making her a sandwich etc and she wants to go everywhere with me.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but she seems unhappy I don't lose my temper with her and I'm constantly reassuring her feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I felt like those 2 days were a little bit of breathing space to catch up on sleep, to get stuff done and to bond with DD2.

I feel like a crap mum, I hate that she's so upset What would you do? xxx

I probably wouldn’t drop days but I really would address the ‘won’t let anyone else do anything for her’ thing. She’s doesn’t get to choose that. I know tantrums are hard but she’ll get over it. It’s not fair on any of you including your Dh who is not being able to bond with her.

I agree, it's telling you keep saying your 2yo "won't let" people do things - are you giving her too much power at home? Small children want/need to feel contained and taken care of, they need boundaries even if they test them. She might be feeling insecure.

Give her more time to settle back in after being away on holiday. You need the time or you’ll be heading for a breakdown

Oh although I do agree that she has to sometimes let others do things for her and you (both- you and your husband) need to be firm on that.

Can you go to two half days for a couple of weeks to see if that helps her to settle back in?

I would drop the days before the nursery give you notice and you have to resettle her elsewhere which will be far worse for her.

It's perfectly normal to be a bit unsettled for a while after a holiday. I don't think nursery should have suggested dropping her hours, nor do I think you should do it.
Keep her in her hours and she will resettle soon.

I agree with Bringmewineandcake, ask them what plan they'd like to put in place with you to ensure she settles down in their care.

I'd consider dropping to half days for a couple of weeks . But she is clearly struggling with the new baby and wants 100% of you.

You need to address this somehow get Daddy to do some fun stuff with her.

Do you both get 1:1 time with her?

She’s only very little and is still adjusting to a new sibling. They don’t all adjust quickly. You are her world. Follow your instincts (you know her best of all, we don’t 🙂) and do what you think is best for her emotional wellbeing and stability, whether that is spending more time with you or giving her more time to get used to nursery again.

I'm guessing that yesterday was the first day back after two weeks?
In which it not unusual for children to feel unsettled. I would definitely not be cutting back her hours, nursery must find this all the time and deal with it - in the same way as they dealt with it when she first went to nursery and took some time to settle. Keep her there and help maintain your sanity.

How about dropping the full day's and do more mornings?

That seems a very counterproductive idea - she needs to settle back in to nursery and dropping her down to essentially one day a week isn't going to help that at all. I would speak to them and discuss strategies that you can work together to ease her back in and manage any upset. It won't be the first time they've dealt with a child with separation anxiety.

You definitely need to address her behaviour at home. She needs to start accepting Daddy doing things. It's a shame it's coming now when she has a new sibling, would have been better if you'd started while you were pregnant but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Just a thought you are paying for a place - could you put DD in to nursery until lunch - then put baby in for the afternoon.
Getting you some much needed 1:1 time without babies needs getting in the way?

When are you planning on returning to work? Could that double as babies settling in period?

This nursery don’t sound very good. I’ve worked in nurseries before and it’s accepted that children go through stages of being unsettled and upset. New siblings, holidays or new routines are triggers for this. They need to suck it up and help her settle back in. What if you were working and had no option but for her to do these full days?

Just a thought you are paying for a place - could you put DD in to nursery until lunch - then put baby in for the afternoon.

Ratios don’t work like that! They’d be in different rooms for a start.

It sounds like the nursery worker feels critical of you for using childcare whilst they know you are at home. This is none of their business, yes they might personally think that they would choose to parent 24 hours a day if it were them but you should do what feels right for you.

I agree with other posters that 2 year olds don't get to make decisions, grown ups do. I used to say to my strong willed little girl that I was in charge, not her. She didn't like it but accepted that it was a fact.

It's understandable from her POV that she wants you to be her slave. She probably sees that you are doing everything for the baby so why shouldn't you do the same for her? However you need to survive the early parenting years and as you have a willing and able partner, you both need to share as many of the parenting as is practically possible.

Could you take turns in dealing with the 2 year old in the night? Once you've decided this though, you must never give in and take over, as your daughter will try for this every time. Good luck, young children are hard work but worth it in the end.

she's only just come back from holiday! Of course it's going to take a while to settle back in. I'm surprised that the nursery can't work that one out for themselves.

Sounds as though your DD 1 needs some boundaries

Azuresilver Exactly what I thought, very judgemental on the nurserys part. Give it more time for her to settle back. Is it consecutive days? I think that would help maybe if not. Many years on maternity leave my older DD would go in for two days and there would be grumping etc but she got used to it and it was needed once she had to be in there longer hours when I went back to work part time.

I'm another one who would suggest half days at nursery. Why does she have to go all day? It must seem like an awful long time to her.

Does she have an afternoon nap there? All of mine had a couple of hours sleep after lunch.

You sound all in OP, I’d seriously consider planning a day out on your own, your DP can cope for a few hours. Please don’t let this situation go on, it will get better but you need to get some perspective.

For me I would arrange with DH two/three evenings for next few days where I would be leaving the house, taking Dd2 for a stroll in the pram or a little drive in the car for a hour or even to do food shop or errands and during this time I would explain to Dd1 before leaving that I had afew things I need doing and won't be long and daddy and you need to prepare dinner for tonight or daddy has to help you bath and just go and ignore all the tears and when I came back I wouldn't make a big deal out of it just ask have you and daddy had fun have daddy say yes we ..... and no mentioning the upset or the tears, and I would also then have Dh either do something with Dd2 so you and Dd1 could have a hour togeather doing something or I'd be putting Dd2 to bed before Dd1 to spend time with her
After a few days stick to Dh doing something with Dd1 but I would stop leaving the house
As for nursery it's a tricky one I wouldn't want my child left upset for hours and hours two days a week if this really is the case but also pulling her from full day to part day after afew days of upset when Dd1 clearly has boundary issues in the home and you allow it and may also be struggling with her new sibling, if you and Dh are willing to work at her accepting others to do things for her without a fuss and still give her one to one with you I'd speak to the nursery about what I'm trying to work towards at home and that I hoped it would also help her while at nursery before moving her to part time but if your happy doing all that Dd demands and won't put in the work then yes as her parent I would have to move her to part time as I really don't think it would improve

What a feeble nursery.
I’m a nursery nurse and I would expect a child with a new sibling to be unsettled, also after a break like a holiday. It’s not in the least unusual.
I would stick to your nursery days and ask them to plan how to comfort/distract your dd until she is settled again.
As for not letting anyone else do anything for her, I do think you need to address it for your own sanity.
A tantrum isn’t the end of the world. She’ll be okay again afterwards.
You may be able to avoid some conflict using cunning eg
I don’t want Daddy to make my sandwich!
Okay darling, you come and spread your bread yourself.
Wow you are so clever now!! ( heap praise)

@AllFourOfThem I've never even heard of a nursery giving notice before? what do you think nursery would give us notice for? As far as I'm aware this is the first time she's been very upset? And we've had no mention of it before every other time we've asked they say she's been excellent had a fantastic day etc zzz