First settle in visit

[Vidyabirla]

Hello mums,

Really after some guidance. Took my DS (12 months) to the nursery for the first settle in visit today and it was a disaster.. we went in and the manager was in a hurry so she quickly left us with the staff in the babies room and I was given some forms to fill. DS was on the floor curious and exploring toys and I was chatting with the staff there. After about twenty min, confident that DS was busy playing, I quietly left the room. Everything went downhill after that. She started wailing and wouldn't stop crying.. and the staff were just showing her toys to calm her ( don't know if that's enough tbh). I had to go in and take her and she was really rattled.. I am due for the next visit this week and I have been advised by the manager to just leave DS for 2 hours and that she will cry a bit but settle, am reluctant to do that.. but dunno if it will help her settle faster.. please can you share your experiences and guidance?

Hi there OP.

Sorry, we don't have much advice, but giving this a little bump for you in case someone else does.

Did you say goodbye to her or just sneak away? Make sure you always say goodbye so she knows you're going, otherwise she will be in a state of panic never knowing when you might disappear.

Honestly? You just need to get on with it. They're gonna cry, and they're probably gonna cry for quite a while upon drop off to be honest. It only gets better with persistence and consistency. Make sure you don't let on that you're upset if you are and give them a cheery goodbye and a kiss. They'll be abs fine but don't make it harder than it is for them

Hi Abby, no , I thought best to let her play and not disturb her 😑.. she did panic when she couldn't find me and started to cry 😢.. should I stay with her for the first visit and then leave her with the staff from my second visit onwards?

Hi looney tune253, I know it's hard for both of us and am being happy and cheerful to get her excited about the nursery, how do I make it more easy for her. Of course I don't want to make it any hard for her, just want her to be in a happy safe place

What did you want the manager to do? Surely it’s best she left the room given that she wouldn’t normally work in there? Were the other staff good? Did you think they’d be able to care for your child?
If you are worried you could perhaps ask for a third settling in session? But just be careful that this wouldn’t be to reassure you rather than your child.

Nursery staff deal with new parents, and children, every day. I’d trust them to be able to reassure you. If they had concerns about your child not settling, I’m sure they’d tell you.

It’s a big step though, go easy on yourself

I agree, always say goodbye and tell them that you will be coming back. Maybe establish a kiss/cuddle routine and try and stick to it every time? I also found it helpful for my daughter to talk about it beforehand, ''you're going to nursery on Friday and you're going to have so much fun'' etc. It might not work for you but we've always found it positive and she absolutely loves it now.

If you aren't comfortable perhaps try a few shorter settling sessions, I'm sure they could accommodate that?

Don't be hard on yourself, it's such a tough transition for both of you to make but once everything has settled down you'll forget all about it

Drop her off say bye and leave the building! Smile and wave as you leave, your child will be feeding off of your emotions

She will cry. You need to accept that. Go back after the 2hrs or whatever and collect her.

My dd cried at drop off for 4 settling in sessions and the whole first week. But she got better and better each day during the time she was there.

Now she loves it.

Hi, has your child settled into nursery life yet? Nursery practitioner here If you need any more advice :)

Hi Geneva,

Thanks for reaching out. No she hasn't settled in yet as we have decided not to get DS to the nursery as wasn't convinced about the care. Now she would start in another one in September and will have settle in sessions from mid August. Any guidance on dos and donts during settle in sessions would be really helpful

Aw sad to hear she didn’t settle in. I know It’s so hard for parents to hear their little one screaming for them and I won’t lie, the first few sessions are painful for all involved. But leaving without a fuss definitely helps as staying will only prolong their upset and make it more difficult. Asking the nursery for regular updates will keep your mind at ease and every nursery should be happy to do this. Also, don’t feel as if you can’t call! I have settled some of the most attached children where their parents now laugh at how bad they were when they first started! It honestly gets better :) having a comforter from home or even a t shirt of yours for them to sleep with! X

I also always think, asking as they are sleeping and eating, they are fine!! :)

I'm having a similar problem, just phoned the nursery where my 8 month old DS is having a settle visit to check up on him (I'm at work) and heard him having a total meltdown in the background. I'm heartbroken and just want to drop everything and go to him Really doubting my decision to go back to work now esp. as he's so young, if anyone has any advice I'd be so grateful - I visited the nursery and was so sure it was the right place for him but hearing how unsettled he is has made me doubt this and think maybe nursery isn't right for such a young child...

Geneva , thanks much.. I will follow this when DS starts nursery. Much appreciated.

Zapata, the first weeks are always the hardest for both the baby and yourself. I have also just returned to work and have a nanny at home who takes care of DS till she goes to nursery and it's always heart breaking to see her wail when I leave her.. the first few days she cried for pretty much the whole day. But now she is slowly settling.. still cries but not as much as before.. if you are having doubts about the nursery, then I would suggest to have another visit to see how the other babies are cared for.. are they happy and engaged in general.. and tbh it's a new place for your baby, so it will always be hard.. but as long as there is a key person who comforts the baby, it should be fine... don't be so hard on yourself.. I am sure if you like your work, you will be happy you decided to go back and soon your baby would settle in nursery with proper care.. xx

@mumontheblock good luck and sending lots of love for you and your little one xxx

@Geneva1995 thanks much xxx

I do think it's normal for them to cry when you leave then at first, but I would be concerned if the baby room staff didn;t give her a cuddle. DS's baby room staff all give hugs when needed (as do the toddler and preschool staff - his keyworker was only saying the other day how affectionate DS is and how she'll miss his hugs once he goes to school in September).

I agree that you should give her a hug and say goodbye, and when you'll be back. At first she might not understand this last bit, but she will eventually, and it'll reassure her. Don't make a fuss when you leave her, save your tears for when you're out of sight.

Good luck xxx

If you are doubting how your child is settling in at a nursery, I would seriously consider looking at childminding settings. We’ve had lots of children come from nurseries who have just cried and not settled, who come into the childminding setting I co-run, happy and waving their parents off. Their parents cannot believe how happy they are. For example, we go on trips to the beach, fruit picking, parks, farms, softplay, forests to name a few. Childminders follow the exact same EYFS guidelines as nurseries and are inspected the same. We do lots of activities such as baking, painting, water play too. We also give our years dates out a year in advance and don’t remember the last time we closed with short notice. I’m not saying your child will settle at a childminders as some don’t. It’s just another option for you to consider what is best for your family. Some people prefer nurseries, some prefer childminders. There’s no right answer.