Perspective on DS's nursery behavior.

[PeapodBurgundy]

Can I get some perspective please? My son (just turned 3) had his first proper nursery session today. It was also his first time there without me, as parents were asked to stay for the two settling in sessions. No issues at drop off, he ran in ahead of me to play, and was perfectly happy waving me off. At pickup the teacher said he'd got upset when they tried to take his jumper off, made a creation when it was time to come in from the outdoor area, wouldn't sit down at carpet time, and obsessed over keeping the door shut. He's pretty much non-verbal, and suspected ASD. It's been years since I worked in nurseries, so I can't remember much about settling in new starters. How bad was that in the big schemes of things? How did your children get along on their first day? I'm currently sat here feeling sick and wanting to pull him out to keep him home.

to me it all sounds within the realm of normal settling in behaviours :) In any new place its going to take time to know the environment, the systems, the routines and sometimes unfamiliarity can make people present a little more anxious than normal, especially with asd. Children that age can often be non compliant, but I would focus on the things he did well, for example did he try new toys, eat some food, get on okay with the other children? from the sounds of it he just sounds like a 3 year old being a 3 year old.

I think ultimately just give it more time and see how it goes, its an anxious time for everyone x

Thanks for responding. I think I'm just feeling anxious myself at my PFB going off into the big wide world by himself. The lack of speech is a worry to me, as he's more likely to melt down if he can't get himself understood. He can tantrum the same as any other small child, but when he melts down it's different entirely. He loses complete control of himself, and will literally cry until he falls asleep. He won't let anyone touch him (but with his safe people, he won't let them leave either, he just wants you to sit nearby). We're also in the position that we just think he has ASD, therre's no diagnosos. I've worked closely with many children on the spectrum, my brother has Aspergers Syndrome, my partner's nephew is on the spectrum, and my partner works in a specialist unit for people with ASD under section. We've thought since he was about 8 months old that there's something underlying, we don't know if we're used to ASD so have spotted early, or are reading too much into his behaviour because of our backgrounds. Nursery are going to investigate (they have their own specialist SEND provision within the school, so they're well placed to help us if he's diagnosed in the future). It could just be that I've parented him badly, and he's ill equipped to cope with things.
I'm just full of self doubt, and worry that I've let him down I think.

you are not letting him down at all !
you have got him into a nursery that sound like they are willing to help with his behaviour and he is happy to go to. You need to tell/give them your methods of calming him down if/when he needs it , they can use different ways of communication with him ie pecs (pecs-unitedkingdom.com/pecs/) or a now - next picture board
He will settle and get used to the routine it just takes time, but im sure you and them will do the best for him that you can.

Thank you. I did go through everything on his second settling in day, but it was with the other teacher (who wasn't there today), so likely to be better stuck in her mind than in the teacher who just had it relayed to her when Joshua wasn't physically in front of her. They're giving him a couple of weeks to see how he is, then we're having a little meeting to do him an IEP based on how he is at nursery.
We did PECS at home for a while, he would look at them when you shoed him, but not ever show you what he wanted using them, but as his comprehension is actually better than you would expect for his age, we stopped using them. We also did a visual timetable, but he just hid the cards for things he didn't want to do

My 3yo does most of the things you've described. I've put it down to just being a bit behind in development. He's generally non-compliant though.

DS is one extreme or the other. He's either a complete dream to be around, engages with everything, is happy, smiley and sociable or he'll be tearful, won't want to do anything at all, will push anyone who goes anywhere near him, and occasionally hit, (but the hitting is usually a pleasure just reserved for me). If he's feeling threatened, he'll go to a corner and cover his ears, if he doesn't manage to calm down he'll go into a meltdown. We've had to stop while he lays crying on the floor in public many times while people look at me like I'm shit because it looks like he's throwing a strop to get his own way, and that I'm just ignoring him because he doesn't want to be touched. He'll often fall asleep from the exhaustion of it, so I end up taking the pram with us everywhere as I can't carry him properly while I have his sister in the wrap.
He's completely fine in familiar places, and isn't usually intimidated by new places so long as he can check them out first. He likes to do a tour of a room whenever we go anywhere new, then will stand back and consider things before he goes to join in. But then he usually does go an join in on some level, even if it's his own twist on what everyone else is doing. If for whatever reason he can't check somewhere out to his satisfaction, he gets very distressed very quickly, made worse by people trying to coax him into joining in which can make going to new places hard, and often people are lovely, and are trying to help and make him feel welcome, but inadvertently make it worse. I try not to talk over his head, as he understands well, and I don't want him thinking he can use certain terms/expressions I use as a get out clause in the future because he just doesn't fancy something.