Settling in advice

[isshoes]

DS will be starting nursery in three weeks at 11.5 months. I’m very worried about it - he’s quite clingy and even in familiar company will want me sitting very close and will frequently turn into me.

So far we’ve done one stay and play session, which went well (as usual he needed almost constant contact with me), and then today we had his induction, when I left him in the room and went and did the paperwork elsewhere. When I went back for him after two hours he was screaming, and had apparently been up and down the whole time. Obviously this was very upsetting, though he was due a nap, so I don’t think that helped.

The standard at this place is to offer two further settling in sessions of two hours each. I have asked for an extra one, which they’ve agreed to. So we’ll have one next week and two the week after. When he then properly starts the week after that, he’ll be doing three days a week, and I will gradually increase the hours, although the shortest day will still be 7.5 hours.

We had previously booked in for another stay and play session this Friday, but I wasn’t sure whether this would confuse DS as I didn’t want him to get used to me staying there with him. I asked the roomleader today and that’s exactly what she said, so we agreed I wouldn’t do it. But now I’m having second thoughts. Would it be better to do it to give him that extra hour of getting used to the place? Or will it make the process that bit more confusing for him having me there?

I’m finding this traumatic enough for me, let alone him!

It’s like ripping a plaster off. Do it fast and it’s better for all concerned. Drop him off, quick kiss, walk out and leave them too it. Honestly, it will get better but it’s something they need to work tbroufgZ

*through

He needs to get used to being there without you. Can you maybe extend the time you are away for the settling in sessions? Do 1 hour then 3 then 5?

They only offer two hour sessions. They’re free of charge. The only thing I could do is use annual leave to decrease my working hours even more my first week back (his first proper week at nursery) to make his first days shorter. The problem is I work an hours drive away, so every day I work I have to count two hours for the drive. So on my first day I’m only working five hours but that will still be 7/7.5 hours for him...

I should say I’m already using my annual leave to work three days a week instead of five for my first months back. But perhaps I should just use up more hours in that first week....

What I really need is a new job closer to home. Or a lottery win...

I hate to be the one to say it but pull the plaster. It'll be tough on both of you for the first week but I've heard parents say the more they are there the easier it is for them to settle. They have longer memories of having fun rather than being upset for a couple of hours. The staff are professionals and are used to it, they'll know how to calm him.

He won't start settling in until you leave him. The staff will comfort him and he will see that you come back.

As someone that works in a nursery as the room leader of our baby room. From my experience it normally takes between 2-4 weeks for the “average child” to settle, can sometimes take slightly longer but once your child has got over the “is mummy ever coming back fear” they tend to really thrive often taking part in activities they would never get a chance to at home.

If you are very nervous speak to the nursery manager/key carer and ask if maybe in the first couple of weeks they can ring/email you with updates on your child’s progress during the day so it stops you feeling like all your child is doing is sat crying or not enjoying himself.

As for the stay and play session you said your child is “clingy” I think maybe the nursery might not of been as helpful with there advice, I would have encouraged you to go as the more your baby sees that the nursery is a safe and fun place to be the more confident he will be to explore.

Just try and stay positive about the experience even though your probably very worried (which it’s very normal!) A lot of children I settle in scream and cry for there visits just try and encourage him to explore the new environment even if you have to be over the top help him find some toys that he really likes at nursery this could be very helpful for when you leave as he will remember having fun with them and then he can hopefully continue having fun after you leave.

Also make sure he’s got something that reminds him of you for times he’s unsure and I’m sure before long it will be like he’s been there for ages.

Best of luck!

In my opinion, staying and playing is a good idea. He needs to see that you are comfortable with the place and the people to feel safe there. So, I would be making a real effort to build a relationship with his key worker, showing him you like them etc.
I would also ask for extra settling sessions, perhaps offer to pay? Our nursery said the same as yours as standard but when I asked they were accommodating. I left DS for about 45 minutes the first time and we did about 6 settling sessions building up to 4 hours very gradually.
At home, talk about nursery lots, see if you can get some pictures of the staff, room etc to show him. They understand a lot more than we give them credit for.
He will settle in a couple of weeks - it's much harder for the parents!

From experience doing more settling in sessions is just delaying the inevitable. It can sometimes do more harm than good as some children get used to only being there for short periods of time so when it comes to doing longer days tend to take longer to settle as they go from “nothing” then to “staying for a few hours” then doing short “stay and play type session” to “full days” it’s a lot of change and can be more challenging?

Thanks all for your posts. Clearly there is not a ‘one size fits all’ approach to this dilemma! It’s too late for me to attend another stay and play now, so we have three more settling in sessions over the next two weeks, then he starts properly the week after. I plan to have him in for 5-6 hours each of his three days in that first week, then slightly longer the week after and so on. There’s no easy solution, so I just need to get my big girl pants on and do it. I hope what people say is true - that it’s worse for me than it is for him. I’m trying to get a bit of perspective - he’s a very loved and cherished child, and we are very lucky that he only has to go in for three days a week. It’s just tough when you’ve spent a year instinctively doing everything you can to keep this little person happy, to then hand him over knowing it will upset him, and knowing that you can’t be the one to comfort him!

Anyway hopefully in a few weeks we’ll be settled....

You sound lovely. Be happy and positive when dropping him off. He will soon be having a lovely time with new friends and toys and will be glad to come home at the end of the day.

Thank you @SMaCM 😀😀

Good luck @isshoes. I thought my DS would NEVER settle at nursery as he was the clingiest baby I've known and as a result had never been away from me/DH. Hence the very tentative approach outlined above! But he became happier within a few sessions and tears at drop off stopped within a few weeks. At just 2 now, he cheers when I say it's a nursery day and barely looks back when I drop him off. It will be fine, however you get there.

I've just remembered, at the beginning my DH would do drop offs where possibly because DS was clingier to me (probably because DH was less anxious!) Not sure if someone else dropping off is an option for you but it worked well for us.

Just thought I’d come back and update this thread. We’ve just finished our first week back at work/at nursery, and I’m delighted with how well it’s gone! Like you @Naschkatze I worried that DS would just never settle at nursery and that we’d end up having to find an alternative solution, but each day this week has been better than the last and he seems to actually be enjoying himself! There are still tears when I hand him over but before I’ve even left I can see that they’ve stopped. I never thought he would start to settle in this quickly and I’m so relieved! 😀