Nursery complaining toddler too attached to some members of staff

[Emj25]

On a few occasions now staff at my 20 month old's nursery have told me that he is too attached to a particular member of staff and he will cry when they leave the room. They have been taking him to another room to try and not "feed into it" and he will just keep crying until the staff member comes back.
I feel quite upset about this. I thought that it is a good thing that a young child makes a strong attachment with someone who cares for them and I don't understand why they would expect that he would become less attached to this person by putting him in a different room away from them. Especially hearing that he spends this time distressed. Does anyone know why they might be doing that before I ask for their reasons at nursery (I'm worried I would get quite upset/arguementative about it). Many thanks

My DCs have either been with a childminder or had a key person at nursery at that age. I liked that they had someone to be attached to when I had to be away from them. I would question if this is the right setting if I were you.

They will know the theory that attachment is a good thing and why there is a key person system, but in my experience (ex-baby room manager) many nursery staff feel it doesn't work logistically in a nursery.
For practical reasons many nurseries prefer children to be equally happy with any adult caring for them. They will discourage too close a bond to a particular person as that person needs to have breaks, holidays, cover other rooms, the child will need to move rooms and they don't want to be dealing with a distressed child.

Smoggle.... tha js so much for yoyr reply!! is it possible for a child to be encouraged to be equally happy with all staff or is it maybe just the case my child develops a strong attachment with one person and that's the way it will always be. It was commented on before that he was like this with another staff member when he was about 10 months old and in the baby room too

Thanks for your reply angelastorm.. I am questioning 😔

A good bond with a key person is essential however it isn't great for the child to be over dependant on just one person at nursery. That person may be off sick or have to go on a course or be unavailable for any number of valid reasons. Difficult to say if they are going about it the right way but they do need to encourage a good relationship with other adults too. This can be done in a very sensitive way. They can still have a good attachment and accept the care of others. Just like a child accepts the care of other family members at home. Have a chat with them but they are trying to build resilience in the long term.

Your nursery sounds awful! Mine would be over the moon about this, especially with such a small child. They would encourage the baby to be settled with more than one adult but in a gentle way that encouraged him to settle happily with someone else, which is sensible, but not seek to break the attachment, especially if the baby was distressed by them doing so.

How does he do when the staff member is on leave/isn’t there at drop off?

Are that's cruel. It's why I'd never use a nursery. Get yourself a childminder. I had one that had a helper so could take quite a few kids and I loved the diverse ages if the kids.
I used a nursery for a week when my childminder was on holiday . Walked in at pick up and my child was sitting on a chair crying on his own. Staff weren't mean but all the kids were little so they all needed attention at the same time. Never went back. If my child was sad at the child minders, he would be in her arms being comforted.

Typical Pick up at nursery - loads of tired under twos wandering around.

Typical pick up at childminder- one 4yr old child sat drawing inside. One toddler outside playing with water / toys. My 2 yr old child playing football in garden with the 8/9 yr old.

I found it more like a normal family.

What Smoggle and 3teens said.
In the same way, that at home, I'd be encouraging them to be happy playing with Dad or with Grandma or Uncle or whoever was a 'familiar' person, when I was out the room.

It's a difficult one because all the research shows how important it is for babies and young children to be able to develop these strong attachments, which is why key people became a requirement, but it requires a lot of effort and organisation on the part of the nursery to facilitate it. So ideally nurseries will have small stable groups and will avoid moving staff around eg children will stay in the baby room with the same key person until they are two, they won't use cover staff in the baby room. But for lots of nurseries financially and practically it is easier to have big groups, small age ranges so children move room frequently, staff work flexibly and low wages mean high staff turnover.
In lots of settings they only pay lip service to the key person idea - they are just the staff member responsible for that child's paperwork and don't encourage a special bond.
Some babies cope without a special person better than others - many do just need one particular person to love them though.

Thanks so so much for all your replies everyone, they've been very helpful!! Will get a meeting with nursery and look into other options too!

Good to have a key person, but what if that person needs the toilet, is off ill, goes on holiday, or doesn't move up into the next room with your child. It's a situation that needs sorting out, probably with the key person being away from them for short times and building up, distraction, alternative people/ cuddly toys to hug etc.

I'm not sure you'll ever be happy with a nursery though. Why not find a nanny?

Once a child is settled and knows the staff in a room the key person is not the only one they will accept nursery often avoid using the key person as its intended because of financial reasons but its not good for young children and a good nursery will not do this you work alongside other staff so children get used to accepting others in a gentle natural way and if one is off they often accept another that they are used to moving rooms so all is strange is a cruel practice. young children don't understand the concept of time and mummy/daddy going to work. Its like saying I'm taking you out for the day then dumping you at Thorpe park on your own. The key worker should take short room breaks and build them up not move the child from the place they know parents will return for them and the room they feel safe in that's doubling the stress and making settling even less likely.
If a nursery can not meet the requirements of the EYFS they should not be dealing with this age group.

Arm yourself with the evidence of positive attatchment benefits.

I’m always wary when I hear EY practitioners quoting research, especially statements that begin "all the research shows......"

The first thing to remember: EY training on such research is about theories . Unfortunately the sector seems in an altogether undignified haste to treat theory as if it were fact.

This tendency is exacerbated by training and "education" programmes which are based on a tick-box approach, whereby the student receives a qualification in return for delivering "correct" answers to a set of criteria. Any attempt by the student to question, challenge, criticise these "correct" answers is severely discouraged by the simple expedient of returning a "criteria not met" response.

Some of these theories and some of the research that claim to support them are valuable within certain situations and parameters. But in many cases, the applicability of a theory is over-extended beyond any supporting evidence.

Much of the research is downright bad, such that it would not pass muster if presented for the first time today (looking at you, J Piaget.) Some research is contradictory, and opposing research is commonly manipulated in and out of fashion over time by policy makers to meet current social needs (attachment theory being a much kicked-about socio-political football.)

Most research suffers from being applied to childcare/education in a cynical 'pick and mix' fashion. Virtually all of it is presented to EY practitioners in a very superficial manner which devalues whatever worth it might have if they were ever encouraged to study it properly.

itsaboojum - so do you think attachment theory is rubbish and children don't benefit from having a bond then? How do you explain to a 2 year old who has gone into childcare fro the first time the concept of I'm off to work stay with this stranger who isn't the one I left you with ill pick you up in 6 hours or don't you explain and just leave as they are not attached to anyone and only interested in food and physical comfort?