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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

This is breaking my heart - can I do anything?

16 replies

Weegle · 13/06/2007 13:46

DS (12 months) goes to nursery one afternoon a week. The rest of the week he is with me. I need him to go then as I have apoointments I can't do with him. The last 4 times I've taken him he's had complete meltdown as soon as we get in to the room and limpets on to me . He's such a happy chappy normally and this isn't like him. Apparently he calms down within a minute or two of me leaving and is his usual self for the rest of the afternoon. Is it because he goes so infrequently he never really gets used to it? What can I do? At the moment I just quickly say goodbye, keep smiling and leave but I can still hear him crying in the car park and I hate it. Please tell me it'll pass soon!

OP posts:

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BrothelSprouts · 13/06/2007 13:47

It may pass, or he may be happier in a smaller environment ie: at a childminders.

SpacePuppy · 13/06/2007 13:49

This is a common age to get separation anxiety. It will pass, unless you think it might be to do with the nursery rather. I've been putting off taking ds to nursery, I was also recommended to take him at least twice a week so that he can learn a form of routine, he is 18 months by the way, sorry if this doesn't 'help.

SpacePuppy · 13/06/2007 13:50

I also read on a another thread a while ago that a childminder will offer a more homely environment which might be better.

NKF · 13/06/2007 13:50

IT will probably pass. But once a week is hard at that age.

bundle · 13/06/2007 13:50

a week is a long time between nursery days and he's in the midst of separation anxiety. i woul dtough it out

belgo · 13/06/2007 13:50

My dd2 was a similar age when she started nursery two days a week. She found it really hard, so they suggested to me that I bring her every day for an hour or so to help her get used to it. It worked, and now she is very happy there. She was also happier when she moved up to the toddler's group, less noise then with the babies.

StinkyPete · 13/06/2007 13:54

try to read some stuff on attachment theory. what he's doing is completey 'normal' and shows that he is actually really well attached to you. If you think about it the other way round - if he wasn't upset at you leaving him, then he would be showing he's not bothered whether you're there or not.
Between 12 -15 months, they're developing a strong sense of themselves as a 'person' i.e. not joined on to mum. They are then upset when mum, who they depend on v much, is away from them.
That he is upset for you is a v positive sign that you are doing a good job and that he is developing appropriately.
That he settles when you've gone is a sign that nursery are meeting his needs well in your absence.

It's heart-breaking; but you are doing the right thing and this stage will pass.

jellybellie · 13/06/2007 13:56

I think you just need to wait it out - one afternoon a week isn't often enough for a 12mth old to get used to (they maybe don't even remember being there the previous week?). Eventually the surroundings will become more familiar to him - if you think about it, if they are used to being in a nice quiet calm home with mum, a nursery room full of noisy 12mth olds probably is quite scary!! - I'm sure he will get used to it.

Zazette · 13/06/2007 13:59

1 afternoon a week isn't a good arrangement for a small child - it doesn't give him time to get to know the people who'll be caring for him and form relationships. Can you let him go a bit more often? If he settles after a bit in this very demanding situation, he would probably enjoy going to nursery more (my kids both adored their nursery)

flibbertyjibbet · 13/06/2007 14:09

My kids normally go 3 days a week and are fine. If we've been on hols, or one's been ill, or nursery closed for xmas, and they've spent more time at home, they are very clingy the first few days back at nursery. The staff said a lot of the kids do this. So perhaps just the half day a week ins't enough for him to see it as part of his routine and is clingy because he thinks that he should be spending all his time with you.
Also, do you start to tell him as soon as he gets up 'its nursery today' we found that helped settle them in instead of just bunging them in the car like it was a magical mystery tour ending with them (feeling like they were) being dumped at nursery with no warning!

Original poster

Weegle · 13/06/2007 14:12

Thanks everyone. The thing is I think he genuinely does enjoy his time there. I've "spied" on him a couple of times and he's been happy. They recently did a photo display and there are some of him with his usual big beaming smile. And the room he is in is very small - only max 6 babies and as luck would have it on his afternoon 3 of the others are boys his age. And the staff are lovely and very good with him. It is literally just the drop off. He's been going about 3 months but it's just the last 4 times. What StinkyPete says really rings true, and that is reassuring.

I wish he didn't have to go but I need the absolute reliability of this half day a week for my hospital appointments.

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Original poster

Weegle · 13/06/2007 14:14

That's a good idea flibbertyjibbet - until recently I had underestimated how much DS understands. I shall talk more about it from when he gets up and not just turn up in the car because looking at that from his perspective it must be a bit freaky.

OP posts:

flibbertyjibbet · 13/06/2007 14:15

You'll know when you've cracked it the day you drive past the nursery on the way to somewhere else and the child has a fit because you are NOT taking him to nursery! Happens to us every weekend!

bignbouncy · 14/06/2007 19:14

If it makes you feel any better I'm a childminder with 21 years of experience, NNEB qualifield and graded Outstanding by Ofsted. I have a 12mth old boy mindee that mostly screams his head off, until his mum is safely out of sight. When she had gone he is a delightfully happy little chap who only starts crying again when she picks him up. So don't beat yourself up your baby is fine, and will be having loads of fun when you're sitting worrying about him.

mumofhelen · 15/06/2007 18:53

My dd took a whole term - yes, a whole term - to settle. Even the staff jokingly said that dd has set the record. She likes going now and looks forward to her 2 sessions per week.

teafortwoandtwofortea · 15/06/2007 18:59

Just to reassure you weegle - DS1 goes through stages like this every few months or so and it lasts from a week to a month. It always passes and he does always calm down. I used to phone the nursery to check and hear him playing happily when I needed reassurance - could you try this? (btw DS1 is 2.7 but has been at nursery 2 days a week since 9 months)

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