(Breastfed) 18 month old struggling at nursery - help!

[beibermylove]

DS is due to start nursery 4 days next week. I don't have a choice, as I'm starting a job and am a lone parent. I should have got some kind of childcare before (I've been working p/t from home) but I've been avoiding it!

Its a work place nursery and a discount makes it affordable, so don't have a lot of choice with childcare.

Anyway, he has been really unhappy in his settling in sessions - I've gone to pick him up early every time. He's usually such a happy baby - content to play on his own a long time, and no separation anxiety.

I feel part of the problem is he's still regularly breastfeeding, and we co sleep - I normally feed him to sleep.

He doesn't get upset when I leave, I think its a bit later - when he realises I'm not coming back - or maybe because he's tired but has no milk!

I also miss him so much I can barely concentrate when he's gone.

I feel so down about this, don't know what to do.

Hey beibermylove,

I really feel for you! That’s really hard - I’m writing as a long time early years practitioner having spent a few years in the baby room (not a mummy- hopefully a mummy one day!)
If he is not crying at drop off or demonstrating anxiety on arrival, I would say you are on the right track.
You said that you think one of the problems may be the breastfeeding and co-sleeping - this certainly isn’t meant to upset you (because I support these fully) - but I think you are right, it is likely contributing. You, ultimately, are his source of comfort when distressed. So at nursery you are not there and he is not sure what to do.
Does he have a special comfort toy? Do you take in your own bedding? We allow parents to provide it or we have some, their choice. I’m wondering if for example a sleeping bag or blanket that smells like home may help. Likewise a toy.
I would never say stop breastfeeding, but practically speaking he can’t have it at nursery so needs to be used to the alternative. I would start using the bottle a bit more at home (with breastmilk in I should add) so that he gradually learns that mummy’s breast can’t always be in use. This will take time. I know it’s not always simple! Including cuddling with bottle going to sleep. If he doesn’t nap away from you at home, I think you will have to start doing so - keep the cosleeping for night time!
When you have picked up early - is this because the key worker has rung you and said he is upset? How have they sounded? I.e are they being supportive? This isn’t uncommon, it does take time. One thing we focus on in our nursery is not to make nursery a negative experience. So we have often added very short settles on in addition. So for example recently we had a full morning settle which the baby found quite hard, they then came back the next morning for just an hour and essentially didn’t have a chance to get so upset- meaning nursery was then a positive experience. Do you definitely have to start next week or have you got a bit of time to stretch the settles slightly more if they allow?
I would speak to your key worker and make sure they follow through with things like sleep. I have plenty of bubbas who had to fall asleep in arms before going into their cots.....if that’s what your son needs then that’s hopefully what they should do. Also be honest and talk to them about your concerns and make a plan together.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you because you sound like you don’t want to leave him. It is possible that he could be picking up on your sadness - it never ceases to amaze me what the babies pick up on. He will have a journal - is it online? If so, ask nicely if you could have an update and picture each day so you can put your mind at rest. (I know it’s very hard for staff to send multiple updates and observations as they happen but we have a couple who we always send a morning update to to keep parents calm!) You can also ring and check how he is getting on. Plenty of parents do - even those whose children have been coming for years!
You sound like a lovely mum - when you are at work just remember that you are doing this for him, for his security and his future, that’s the drive you need to get through the day. And in time he will settle. In the last 9 years I can only recall 2 children being pulled as they just wouldn’t settle and parents decided to delay. And they weren’t babies!
Talk to the nursery and come up with a plan. I hope it goes well at your new job

I used to tuck a bit of fabric down my bra during the day and give it to my DD at night. You might think about something similar during the day for your DC.