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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

DS really, REALLY hates going to nursery - what to do?

21 replies

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:06

I've just spoken to nursery about how DS is and he's in tears and very distressed - I'm getting to the point where I wish I could take him out, which is NOT what I want (or need - have to work).

He's been there for over a year (3 days a week), it's great, the staff are very loving and caring, my HV says it is the best, most professional and caring nursery in town and I'm sure they treat him well (well 99.999999% sure). DS has always had clingy phases and times where he's cried when being dropped off, but generally it's gone well and he's been happy, until the last few weeks when he has developed a real thing about it. He's very nearly 2 and can now talk enough to say "No nursery!" and "No nursery like!" and he cries as soon as he detects we're going there, or if we tell him it's a nursery day. He screams at drop-off and tends to be upset all morning until after his nap, when he cheers up a bit. Or HV has helped and told us to be firm and routine about it all which did seem to help at first, but he's recently been off for a few days as we've had visitors, it's the first day back and I've never seen him so upset.

Has anyone had this and got through it? Is he OK? I do want to help him to be independent (he's generally quite clingy and just wants to be with me all the time) and get through this, but another part of me is scared he has a genuine reason for hating it and is trying to tell me that, and I'm ignoring him...

OP posts:

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Katymac · 04/06/2007 11:10

Have you thought about a different nursery or a childminder?

Just because HV says it's the best doesn't mean it's the one for your DS

LordVenger · 04/06/2007 11:12

We had this with DD2. We did - how original - a sticker chart. But by God they work. When she had completed two weeks of stickers, she got a small prize (some Sylvanian family rabbit she was jonesing for) and then again after another two weeks. It was cured by then. Also let her help make her lunchbox, really choose what she was wearing to go there, and LOTS OF PLAYDATES with children from nursery, so they feel properly like friends. I feel for you man - good luck. It's the most horrible thing in the world prizing a clinging, weeping chilld from your leg. I was once sick in a bush around the corner from nursery, it upset me so much.

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:14

Yes KM I'm getting to the point where I'm wordering about an alternative, but I don't know if it's the nursery itself or just that DS doesn't want to be away from me (he does also get upset when away from me other times, eg if DP takes him out). So I don't know if the disruption of a change would make things even worse - and since I do think it's a good nursery and the staff are lovely, I don't know if I could find that elsewhere. I can imagine DS being just as upset, but with someone less tolerant - that would be horrible.

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Enid · 04/06/2007 11:15

are there no childminders? dd1 HATED nursery but loved her childminder.

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:17

Oh LordVenger that is great to hear - thanks. Not that your DD was distressed and that you were sick in a bush! but that is did get cured. Sticker charts - I haven't been there yet, will they work at just 2? What exactly do you do?

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CrispyNoodles · 04/06/2007 11:19

Have you tried turning up at the nursery unannounced to see how he is?

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:20

Yes Enid I will look into it. We did meet one when we initially looked for childcare and she put us off a bit - I admit I'm an overprotective first-timer but her house seemed to be full of tiny bits of toys for older children that DS could choke on, and one of her charges had a massive bruise on the head from falling down her stairs! NOT that they are all like that and perhaps it was just a bad day, but it sent us scurrying for the relatively controlled atmosphere of nursery. But perhaps we could meet some others.

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Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:22

CrispyNoodles, what are you thinking - that he might actually be better than I think, or that they might not be treating him well?

I could do this but I know it would be problematic as when he saw me he'd want to come with me and would get very upset.

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CrispyNoodles · 04/06/2007 11:28

I just think it might be helpful to see if you can pinpoint the cause of his upset ie: is he playing with other children, can he cope with the noise, does he stay alongside the adults etc.
I'm not suggesting he's being mistreated at all, just that perhaps the nursery could use different approaches in getting him to settle.

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:34

They do tell me about these things, but I would like to be a fly on the wall ... if he know I was there though, i wouldn't be able to observe as he'd immediately run to me.

He's fine with noise and other children in other contexts, eg play parks and soft play centres, playing with his friends etc. The nursery staff say he does like to do his own thing though - he will sit and read or draw rather than play with everyone, but that's only sometimes - he'll often join in too.

IMO his problem is that he wants to be with me and can't understand why i go away. When he's left with DP he is fine for short periods, then sporadically gets upset and asks for me and can't understand why I'm not there.

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Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:35

I'm hoping that will improve as his language and understanding gets better - eg when he can understand that I'm at work and will come to get him later...?

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LordVenger · 04/06/2007 11:37

Sticker chart - piece of A4 paper, rule lines on it so you have a month's worth of boxes. I get my kids to decorate theirs while we talk about what it's for - they feel like it's theirs, get proud and geed up, etc. Then go to woolies and buy them two packs of whichever their favourite stickers are - they'll usually choose some padded, gaudy thing with glitter. Tell them how if they go to school cheerfully, they get to put the sticker on "monday" when they get back. Given yours is so little, maybe first prize at the end of the week? Then another at the end of the second week, etc? It's amazing how well it works. If you have a friend who has older children/sticker chart, have a playdate at their house - your kid will see the chart and be mesmerized by it, and even more excited to have their own.

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:40

Thanks LV!

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Sunshinemummy · 04/06/2007 11:43

SL I'm going through this at the moment as we moved house and moved DS (14m) from a nursery that he loved to one where he cries and clings to me every time I drop him off. It's been absolutely the worst thing about moving. I had thought he was getting better as he was fine on Thursday and Friday (he seems to have made friends with one of the other boys and seems to like one particular nurse) but today when I took him in it started all over again. I feel like the worst mummy in the world when I drop him off and just want to scoop him up and go back home with him. Am giving it another month and then I'll see how we're fixed.

wannaBe · 04/06/2007 11:46

My ds was a very clingy child, and I put him in nursery for two mornings a week when he was 2.5 for exactly that reason, so that he could socialize with other children away from me and so that he could get used to being away from me for a time. For the first couple of months he screamed and screamed when I left him there, would start crying on the way down the road in fact and would then be in floods of tears by the time we got there. I would hand him over to one of the staff and it was the hardest thing for me to have to walk away out of the building with echoes of ?I want my mummy? in my ears. The one thing his nursery did was to give him a clock, and to show him on the clock what time mummy was coming to pick him up. That seemed to help immensely, I also introduced incentives for not crying the first time, then not crying for three days, and then a week, and then two weeks, until he never cried at all. Course when he started preschool aged three we went back to square1 but that passed much quicker. It was very hard, as I did it for his benefit and not mine as I am a sahm, but I truly believed that it was the right thing for him, he generally only cried for half an hour or so and then would settle for the rest of the morning and was always happy when I picked him up.

It could be thatyour ds is just going through a very clingy phase. I know mine was like this and would even cry if dh took him out without me, or if dh was there to dry him at bath time instead of me but he?s 4.5 now and for the most part the clinginess is much better, in fact he?s gone to preschool with another mum this morning as I?m waiting in for a delivery and happily waved bye bye to me out the car window.

Maybe a clock would help? He?s very young to understand the concept of time, but not too young to see the hands and know that mummy will come when the hands of the clock are in that position?

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 11:53

Thanks so much for your posts, and I think I will suggest the clock idea. He loves clocks and anything machine-like and I think he will pick up on how it works.

It is the hardest thing knowing he's upset, and not knowing if I'm doing the right or wrong thing by making him go...

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Sunshinemummy · 04/06/2007 12:00

SL I know exactly how you feel. It's made me worry that they aren't very nice to him at nursery when I'm sure that that's just my paranoia. Does anyone think these tactics would work with someone my DS's age?

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 12:05

I'm not sure mine will get the sticker concept at 2 Sunshinemummy, though I think I'll try to introduce him to the idea. However I do know my DS was also clingy at earlier stages including around 15 months and these phases passed quite quickly. When he was younger, having his favourite stuffed toy with him helped (though now he hands it to me when he goes in as if to say "I might as well be totally miserable"! - breaks my heart)

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Sunshinemummy · 04/06/2007 12:17

Stuffed toy sounds like a good one. He's got a teddy he's started giving loves to a lot so maybe I'll try taking that along with us. Thanks SL and good luck with your DS.

imnot27 · 04/06/2007 13:08

Hello, maybe try leaving him with a friend or relative for a morning, so see if it is seperation from you that is the problem, in which case he will grow out of it. If he's fine, then perhaps nursery is the problem and you could look elsewhere. Is very hard to leave them when they're upset.... for you, to cheer you up!

Original poster

snowleopard · 04/06/2007 13:28

Thanks Imnot. Unfortunately we don't have any rellies nearby. And I can't imagine leaving him with a friend - maybe that's part of it, that he's used to mainly me and doesn't tend to get left with friends or extended family. I need to work on the friends thing a bit. I am trying with the nursery playdates thing but it's slow progress - people don't tend to have the same days off as us and weekends are always busy. I am a bit worried that I'm bringing up a boy who is more comfortable around adults than other children.

Must work on persuading DP that we should sort him out a sibling...

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