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Original poster

I am so worried about my little boy starting nursery

59 replies

babysharkdodododododo · 20/05/2018 21:37

I go back to work from mat leave in 4 weeks. My little boy will be 8 and a half months. He is my whole world and the thought of putting him in nursery is tearing me apart. He will be heartbroken and I will be heartbroken and I just don't want to do it at all.

I have a job that I like, it's not that. I just dont want to leave my little baby boy. He's too little.

I have to go back because we can't afford for me not too. It's just not an option.

But I want to stay at home and raise my boy, not pay someone else to do it Sad

It is a lovely nursery. I viewed loads and this is by far the best i could find. But i want him at home with me. I am going to miss him so much.

Is there any way this could possibly work out ok? Has anyone felt like this and it's been ok? I am so upset about it.

OP posts:
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TinyTickler · 21/05/2018 20:18

I was you 5 months ago. full on panic attacks at the thought of leaving on little girl, desperate worried how she would cope. I promise you whilst you will be heartbroken he most definitely won't be. Mad when he sees you leave on the morning for a few weeks, yes, cranky when you pick him up because he'll be so tired, sure.

But a couple of months down the line he'll be in the swing of it, you'll wonder why you ever worried. They learn so much at nursery, and have loads of fun. it will be fine, I promise.

muffyduffster · 21/05/2018 20:20

OP I have the same childcare routine as you will have with my now 18mo (four days, two in nursery and two with grandparents) and it seems to be a lovely balance. She loves nursery and playing with her pals (and as PPs said, sleeps better after a nursery day!), nice lots of structure and variety to the day, then two days of one-on-one with grandma and grandad (getting a weeny bit spoilt I think Grin)
Good luck xx

Oblomov18 · 21/05/2018 20:21

I'm not sure it's normal to be this anxious about it. I hope the previous posts have reassured you.
Both my ds's loved nursery and most people's children do!

Original poster
babysharkdodododododo · 21/05/2018 20:23

Oh my gosh, I am actually crying Flowers thank you so so much everyone. I can't tell you how much it means to read that going to nursery might actually be a really positive experience for him. He loves baby groups and singing and is a proper little character, I'm actually feeling a bit hopeful about it now.

I didn't think of all the little friends he'll make and all the new things he'll experience. I think I thought i was going ro put him in a room where he would sit and cry heartbroken all day Blush

Thank you so much for sharing all your experiences, it means so much Flowers He starts his settling in days in a few weeks so I will report back and let you all know how it goes!!

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 21/05/2018 20:39

OP I'm pleased you feel better. An excellent childcare setting can be a really positive experience. My DS adores his helpers and they love him. He has such a strong bond with them. He gets to do such exciting things and is really advanced for his ages. He will love it

justanotheruser18 · 05/06/2018 21:14

Love this thread. Looking forward to hearing how your little one gets on.

Original poster
babysharkdodododododo · 04/07/2018 19:54

Hi everyone. I wanted to give it a few weeks before updating and really wish I was able to say it's all fine and he's settled.

He's really not Sad from what the nursery staff tell me he seems to spend the majority of his time there crying. He screams and sobs and clings to ne at drop off. People keep telling me its normal and he'll get used to it but it's destroying me seeing him like that.

Today they phoned me to ask could he have some teething gel because he was biting his hands a lot. He never ever bites his hands, not even when teething. Im worried he was doing it because he was distressed.

Has anyone been through similar? I really don't know what to do and would be so grateful for any advice. Im wondering if i should change nursery or look for a childminder, i don't know. I feel like i need to do something because it feels awful at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysharkdodododododo · 04/07/2018 19:55

Oh, i should say he absolutely adores going to my mums. Doesn't cry at all and is full of smiles whilst he's there, which is great.

OP posts:
HopeAndJoy16 · 04/07/2018 20:05

Is he going through a phase of seperation anxiety? Or a developmental leap where they become more clingy for a while? My daughter is older than yours but has always been horrendously clingy, and spent the first couple of weeks miserable at nursery. She's been there for 4 weeks now but only 1-2 days per week due to my shift pattern, and she's getting used to it. Still cries when she's dropped off but the staff say she's easily distracted by the toast and is now full of smiles. How long has your son been going there now? I think you have to go with your gut instinct. He will eventually settle as it becomes his new normal, but if you think he would settle easier with a child minder then move him now x

Original poster
babysharkdodododododo · 04/07/2018 20:44

He has always been very very attached to me, so I feel like separation anxiety is something that he was always going to experience. He is absolutely fine with my mum though, his face lights up when we get there!

This is his fourth week but only his second full day. He's been doing 2 half days a week up until now.

Sometimes they say he's been a bit more settled but they seem to mean that he cried quietly on his keyworkers knee, rather than screaming Sad

He's going again tomorrow and I honestly don't know if I can do it. I've got to, I've got to work and I know I need to give it a chance, but I feel sick at the thought of it

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2018 20:53

@babysharkdodododododo - when ds1 was 2, and ds2 was 9 months old, I went back to work part time, and they went to nursery two and a half days a week - so ds2was a similar age to your little one, and I can tell you that they were both fine.

It was a good nursery, with a lovely atmosphere, and great staff, and the boys flourished there. One is now a law graduate with a good job as a quantity surveyor, and the other has just finished his teacher training and starts his first job next month.

They are both happy and well adjusted people, and always have been.

It is fine, and entirely natural to feel the way you are feeling, but you will be OK, and it will get easier.

applesandpears56 · 04/07/2018 20:56

If you are going to put him in nursery he needs more days than that to settle each week. It has to be a regular part of his routine. He’s not going enough basically.

So either get him going there regularly - every morning for example or 4 morning a week or 3 days a week.

Or, get him Mum to watch him for 6 months until he’s a bit older then try again

applesandpears56 · 04/07/2018 20:57

Your mum not him Mum!

CanaBanana · 04/07/2018 21:41

I find it odd that some people can't afford to go back to work while other people can't afford not to. I'm one of the former (nursery cost would exceed my salary). My point is, those of us who can't go back to work manage to cope without a salary, so why can't everyone do that if they really want to?

Spudina · 04/07/2018 21:52

Both my DDs went to nursery from that age. At least 4 days a week, sometimes 5. They loved it. They are very sociable and confident and made lots of friends. They get to do alsorts of messy stuff which I'm rarely up for at home. You will catch every bug going for about 6 months though. But even that (as frustrating as it was) I think has helped with their immune systems cos they are hardly ever ill now.

Spudina · 04/07/2018 21:56

Sorry just read your update. I would stick with it, but it's really your decision.

busybuildingdens · 04/07/2018 22:01

Following on from what cotjee (I think!) said, I am a SAHM and I send my DS to nursery. He cries every nursery day, and it took about 2 years for him to stop needing to be pulled off of me in the mornings, but he loves it! It has been a long road, but I am so glad I persevered, otherwise I dread to think what he would be like when he goes to school. It breaks my heart leaving him, but he now talks about his friends, and things he’s done, and he really enjoys it!

anametouse · 04/07/2018 22:11

DS wouldn't settle in nursery either, so I found a wonderful childminder. He's going through separation anxiety now so cries when I leave but is settled, literally, in 2 mins.

For me, I can handle that but if he was crying all day then that I couldn't handle (I'm lucky I could quit work if I really needed to)

RiverTam · 04/07/2018 22:14

Is there no way you could have a nanny, or a nanny-share or childminder? It’s wonderful to read of the positive experiences others have had but I do think a home environment is best for under-2s.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 04/07/2018 22:21

OP, he'll be fine. It's you who will suffer. I worked overseas when I had DD (her father left when I was pregnant) and only had six weeks of maternity leave (no welfare state) and was very lucky to tack on holiday and overtime so although I left work on the day I gave birth, I was able to go back to work when she was three months old. She was in nursery from 8am to 6pm five days a week, every week of the year unless I was on holiday.

She's 21 in November, very well balanced, sociable and confident and has just finished her second year at York university. It did her no harm at all.

LandOfOddSocks · 04/07/2018 23:11

My point is, those of us who can't go back to work manage to cope without a salary, so why can't everyone do that if they really want to?

What a goady comment. It can't be beyond your comprehension that people's circumstances vary. Some people have larger financial responsibilites than others in the form of mortgages, being the main breadwinner for the family etc. The cost of living varies in different areas, people's partners earn different amounts, they have different numbers of existing children to provide for... It's not that hard to understand why earnings and outgoings weigh up differently for different families.

LandOfOddSocks · 04/07/2018 23:13

OP I agree with PP that longer/ more sessions generally help children to settle more quickly but it does sound like he's quite upset. Nursery suits some children more than others. The childminder option may be worth investigating if there are good ones with availability near to you.

CanaBanana · 05/07/2018 08:41

Not intended to be goady at all. It just seems ironic that higher earners HAVE to go back to work because they need the money (whatever is left over after childcare). Yet low earners (who can't go back because there'd be nothing left over after childcare) manage to cope (because they have no choice).

I do without pretty much everything because I can't afford to work. I survive on next to nothing. Not saying it's great but it's possible if you genuinely don't want to leave your child.

Original poster
babysharkdodododododo · 05/07/2018 08:53

I will reply properly later, in work atm but thank you all for the replies, im really grateful for the advice and support on here, it means alot.

CanaBanana you are being a bit goady and im finding it a bit upsetting. I would love to be at home with my boy. Myself and DH aren't high earners. My DH earns NMW and works 10 hour days.

Since you seem interested, I pay £43 a day in childcare. He goes 2 days a week. With the tax free childcare offer i pay £280 a month. Without my mums help it would be very difficult as he would need to go 4 days a week. I earn slightly more than dh. If i wasnt in work we wouldnt have enough to cover the bills.

My sister hasnt gone back to work as she has different finances and different outgoings. I can see that everyones situation is different

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/07/2018 16:31

I hope @CanaBanana apologises for upsetting you, OP.

{{{hugs}}}

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