Intense baby & Nursery

[justanotheruser18]

Hi. Could anyone share their positive and negative experiences on this subject? Do babies who don't settle (ever) with anyone but Mum/other parent settle into nursery?

My baby is 8 months and will be starting nursery at 1, a few days a week. He is a typical high needs baby: cries a lot, non adaptive, intense, does not like to be held by anyone but his parents. He cries with strangers; he cries when held by close family members. He only stops crying when he falls asleep or I come back. He falls asleep at the breast. He sleeps in my bed. He is Gina Ford's nightmare.

Nursery is the only option. We want him in one centralised place & to know exactly where he is at all times. I know it may not be best for him but I have to go back to work.

Will he settle at nursery? Will he always cry? Do you have experience of a crying baby settling at nursery? He had a trial session and the staff were lovely but he wailed til I came back.

He may be unsettled for a while but will be fine once he has a key person he trusts. The key is routine and you being positive and not anxious when doing the drop off. He will get there 🙂.

Most babies settle eventually, but be prepared for it to take a long time, particularly if you’re not putting them in every day. 12 months is a difficult time for any child to settle into nursery, due to separation anxiety etc. Do a quick drop off in the morning, don’t cry in sight of your child and don’t get disheartened if the first few weeks are difficult.

Thank you both so much. 🌸

You'd probably be better off starting some sessions earlier. 12 months seems to be a tricky age. Mine started with a nanny at 8 months and couldn't have cared less who was holding her as long as they delivered regular milk!

You need a nursery that understands and really values the key person approach. One with low staff turn over and where the staff are fixed to a room. You dont want him having a key person who spends half their time covering elsewhere.

I would be clear about this to the nursery

I work in a nursery and have had over 15 years experience in working in them. I was a supervisor of a baby room and I have never had a baby that didn't eventually settle. The key is consistency and lots of settling in sessions for your baby to get used to it. I'd start pretty soon if I were you, just to get you both used to it. Start looking around at nurseries to get a feel for one you and baby will enjoy. Chat to the staff, if it's a good nursery they will recommend plenty of settling sessions and will do everything to help you :)

Can you begin settling in sessions earlier?

I found the book “Why Love Matters” really helpful in helping them become a less intense baby.

My high needs baby started nursery at 18mo. Her dad took her to settling in sessions as she was more attached to me and left her for about 10 minutes. It took two weeks before she could do a couple of hours so I would try to plan for a long settling in period. From what I remember from that period she became slightly less clingey at 9mo so hopefully you are about to see an improvement.

It took my son a whole year to stop the crying at dropping off time but we got there eventually.

He always loved nursery and would stop as soon as I left and wouldn’t want to leave at the end of the day, it made me feel awful though!

I think you would be better considering a childminder to have the continuity of one person.

I think you need to make sure that there is a proper key person who will be there every day, this can be a problem with nurseries so lots of research needed a child-minder would offer more closeness and continuity.

Are you an anxious person? by you saying you need to know where LO is at all times it suggests you are a little more anxious than many. Try to be relaxed around baby and practice leaving him more if you are anxious they pick up on your fears and get the feeling that there is something wrong.

I do generally find clingy babies settle better if you can build up a close bond with one main carer and take time settling in, a childminder can often accommodate more visits to allow this often over a few months when you are looking for such a short time each week.

@jannier I guess I am a bit anxious but I'm not medicated or under a doctor's care or anything. A major pro of nursery for me is that kids aren't out and about on school runs or trips to different kid-friendly locations or to the supermarket or whatever during the day. I realise I must sound rather neurotic saying 'I want to know where he is AT ALL TImESSS' but I feel happier with the idea of my child being in one place during the day, so that's why I'm not so keen on a childminder, at the moment.

Our nursery to be is small and my son will have a regular key worker so that's a relief.

Thank you for all your responses and suggestions about starting settling early. How early? How do I help him build up the relationship with his keyworker?

@Icklepickle101 i almost expect the crying at drop of.. my main concern would be if he cries for the whole day. I'm glad your child is very happy at nursery, despite the tears at drop off.

@TheIsland Thank you for the book recommendation!

A major pro of nursery for me is that kids aren't out and about on school runs or trips to different kid-friendly locations or to the supermarket or whatever during the day

I get this @justanotheruser18 and I sympathise. Both my DCs went in at six months, DD was fine, DS struggles a tad but he’s had cold after cold after cold.

Forgive the vagary but I think 9 months is supposed to be some kind of magic developmental gateway for successful intergtation into nursery? Someone will hopefully be along to pad out my hunch but it appears to be a good point to start them at least, maybe two days going up to more after a couple of months?

Could you consider a nanny share? Might make a nanny affordable? I thought nurseries did day trips too.

Fwiw my DS1 was also an "intense" personality who got easily overwhelmed at that age and I didn't feel nursery was right for him. We got a nanny share which was great; second choice would have been childminder. Obviously a lot depends on the local rates but nanny share didn't work out substantially more than the equivalent nursery hours for us.

My DD was the same and I dreaded the transition to nursery for the same reasons. I would reiterate some of the previous advice as well as add a few:
Plenty of settling in sessions, where both parents do drop offs
Ask if a comforter can be taken in, my DD loved her blanket and it helped settle her when she was really upset.
Be prepared for a tearful drop off for a while, it took my DD nearly a year to not cry, that being said she settled very quicky (by the time I got outside) after about a month.
The more they are there the quicker they will settle, e.g several half days a week rather than a couple of long days. When I upped my hours (from 1 Long to 2.5 shorter days) the improvement in drop off dramas was rapid.
Take relief in knowing they are professionals at this thing and want your child to be happy. As much as I felt emotionally guilty for it, I knew at the end of the day she would be fine. I won't lie, it was hard, but it was really worth it and my DD has come on leaps and bounds at nursery. The range of activities is vast and varied menus great, as well as seeing other children doing things, which encourages them to gain confidence away from Mum/dad. if you find a nursery you like, with key workers you relate to, them I suspect you will be fine. Best of luck OP.

You know most nursey’s will take them out in the day, don’t you? My children’s nursery take them to the shops, the library, the park, just for a walk etc etc.

The chances are they won’t be in Nursery all day every day anyway.

My DC's nursery took them out as well. I just signed a generic form and I didn't always know in advance they would be going out on any one particular day. They went to a retirement home, a goat farm, a playground, the local school, etc.

That’s what I do too. Today it was nice so they went to look at the blossom trees apparently!

Its part of EYFS to take the children out and about to experience different things, so nurseries and childminders will do regular short trips. Its a really good thing.

If you want ultimate control you will need a nanny.

It's so stressful isn't it OP - I think my 9mo DS will be very slow to settle as he's very sensitive and a mummy's boy but these things must be done. A few of DD's friends struggled to settle into nursery but they absolutely thrived in the end, and became easier to deal with at home too. You do kind of need to go through the pain barrier with it a bit and stick with it.

I agree totally about the nursery setting. Both our nurseries have taken the kids out and about but it's much less than childminders do and all fun stuff for them - ie no school runs/supermarkets.

Actually wasn't aware trips out of nursery were as common as this. My nursery has said we can veto outings if we want. I'm still happy with my choice. Once my son (hopefully) settles I'm sure I'll be happy for him to explore the outside world. I'm sure it's good for the children to get out of the nursery's walls anyway.

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Thank you so much @louise987. Such an insightful and supportive post. 🌸

@Bear2014 Thank you. I agree, we must push through the pain for ultimate gain :/ It's easier said than done though. I can't focus on Daily Mail articles that hyperventilate about the dangers of nursery for under 2 year olds. It's madness.

Well obviously avoid the Daily Fail, in general and good luck!