Settling in

[BlumenRoses]

Hi,

My 11month old DS had his second settling in session today. The first session I stayed with him and he seemed happy enough. The second one I left, waved bye bye and my DS waved and smiled at me as I walked out.

I left him for an hour and they called me to ask me to come and sit with him as he was crying. When I got there he was sobbing his heart out - ive never seen him like that even when he’s been poorly . It was clear he’d been crying for quite some time and he was crying so hard that he got a nosebleed.

He’s meant to be starting on mornings next week but I don’t see how I can leave him there if they called me after one hour today? Apparently no more settling in sessions are available and I need to pay tomorrow for the rest of the month.

Any advice? Is this a normal level of distress for a settling in session? Manager said she has rarely had to call a parent back . Would a childminder / nanny be a better option? There are no other nurseries that we can get to before 6pm when we’rr Both at work.

I would say it can be normal, but usually the settling in sessions (at least in my experience) are much more gradual. We went twice and stayed to play, then I left for 20 minutes, then the next time for 1 hour, then for 2 hours over lunch, before she finally started half days 9-1. Just two sessions before leaving him for a full day to me doesn't seem like enough and it seems like they've rushed it. But they should have enough staff on hand so someone is able to be there with him and comfort him. I would say really what he needs is more time. It would be the same with a nanny or childminder. They just need to ease into it that's all. But it maybe just sounds like they've tried to rush it to get you in by your start date.

I don't go back to work until January - I wanted to start him early so that he could settle first. The manager said 2 sessions was their maximum number of settling in sessions.

Luckily the nosebleed happened before I signed the direct debit form so I'm not committed to anything but I do feel like this is being rushed so they can make maximum money.

Everyone’s different but I had a similar experience, signed DS up for that nursery when he was 10 months and ended up moving him 6 weeks later.

The settling in was a joke - two hours of stay and play and two hours without me... done. I didn’t think it was enough but took their word for it - it’s their job! DS never settled, cried at drop off and pick up every time and I could watch him on the webcam being clingy and upset most of his time there, when he’s usually a happy, outgoing boy. The last straw was when they got his nap time wrong and ‘forced’ him to sleep only an hour after we’d got him up - it was a misunderstanding but they could have given me a call or tried again in 1-2 hours instead of making him cry for hours (they didn’t leave him to CIO but pushed him around in a pram for an hour in a reclined position - understandably he wasn’t having any of it!).

Anyway I moved him - my instinct said he was never going to be happy. New place was amazing, with as many (free) settling in sessions as he needed, gradual build up of hours and a much happier atmosphere. He’s now 15 months and loves it there - there’s never any tears and I can see him from a screen when I collect, he’s completely himself. Hope this helps, sorry it was long!

On my DD's second settling-in session I got called back after 10 minutes. 10 minutes! And she was hysterical by that point! She also refused to nap when I tried to settle her during the third session. I was so nervous on her first proper day. But guess what, she had two good naps, ate all her lunch and had a good day, if a little bit clingy, by all accounts. And she's never looked back. Honestly, I was fully prepared to have to start ringing around childminders but it's been six weeks now and she goes in happily now every day. Wishing you luck OP!

All dc are different - some take a long time to settle, some need more gradual 'settling sessions' and some are better if you drop and go. Some dc are fine from day 1. That in itself is not a reflection on the Nursery, however I would be a bit concerned about their lack of flexibility. All children should be treated as the individuals they are.

My old nursery offered 3 2 hour settling sessions. As you are not back to work until January, could you start him, pay for the full days but build them up? So drop him at the same time as you would when you start work and collect him before lunch, then the next day leave him for lunch and be there as soon as lunch finishes then the next time let him have a sleep after lunch etc.

We only ever phone parents if the child was unable to be distracted or to calm down. I once had a child (11 months) who screamed non stop for the whole day, and I mean screamed. We phoned parents to come and collect and the child smiled and stopped as soon as parents walked in.

It's natural for children to cry when you leave them. Once he knows you are coming back and builds relationships with carers, he will be fine.

I had another girl who screamed and cried constantly for three days straight, after three weeks, she was then crying when she was picked up to be taken home!

Thanks for your experiences. I could pay for the day and build it up but it’s about £50 for a day and it just seems a shame to me when it doesn’t seem like I will be able to leave him for more than 20/30 minutes. More of the free ‘settling’ with me sessions would be useful but with no flexibility I can’t do that.

I appreciate them phoning me. He was absolutely beyond comfort and completely hysterical. They should probably have phoned me a lot earlier to be honest.

I’m having a look at childminders now as an alternative but lots are booked for next year now. Not sure I can put both of us through that again! How do you do it without crying yourself? I was fine yesterday but now I won’t be!