just taken ds to his first settling in session at nursery - could do with talking it through!

[Tutter]

am planning on starting ds at nursery 2 mornings a week after easter

he's 22mo. am expecting ds2 in july (hence starting ds1 in nursery - just to free up some time for me and newborn when he arrives)

he's pretty confident and happy - not clingy. he legged it to play with toys when we got there so i retreated to the office without saying goodbye

he was fine for half an hour - apparentl playing happily on his own but then got upset - was looking for me. after 15 mins they came to get me and we headed off

was only going to be an hour's settling period anyway

but now am feeling all hormonal and upset and wondering if i'm doing the right thing. i don't have to send him after all - am at home and have no plans to return to work

any advice/words of wisdom/reassurance would be appreciated

[FrannyandZooey]

I think we have done a fine job cod, she now has even less idea what she wants to do than when we started

[OrvilleRedenbacher]

thast ok
mine alwasy liked and stil loike organised group activiteis
ahve NEVER ever had nerves
second loks, too shy crapola
am VERY grateful for this.
ds1 even wen t ona girls birthday party here he only knew the girl( therew as pizza involved so was ok)

[GibbonInARibbon]

cod - ease my guilt please...tell me it will be ok when I have to go back to work in september

[OrvilleRedenbacher]

age of kid
hours
days at nurseyr please?
( calculate the guiltometer)

[GibbonInARibbon]

1
8
3

didn't think it would bother me this much

[Kif]

hard to figure what's best, isn't it.

My Dd used to go to nursery when I worked. I took her out when I went on mat leave. I completely intended to send her to local nursery once ds was born.

I sat her down, and had a chat with her - and she seemed very definite she prefered to stay home with me and ds. She was a couple of months off 3yo at that point. I didn't want to persevere when she was so lacking in enthusiasm... though was a little whether someone that age really understood. Me and Dh figured that if she was resistant to going, and I was leaving her evidently to spend time with her little brother - it might make her draw negative conclusions about why she was there.

Think it was right decision for us - she's been as good as her word, super self sufficient, proud sister. As to getting out - my strategy was to be pretty structured - go to a couple of reliable playgroups/activities where I could crumble in the corner and bf baby. Found one very friendly one where some of the other mums kindly held and jiggle ds - which gave me and Dd nice 1:1 time.

Now my little man is nearly 5 m.o. and I'm giving nursery consideration again - not least since we'll have funded places from sept. Dd seems more open to the idea now - albeit a bit wary - so may start her slowly in summer.

Dunno - doubt that's too supportive, reading it back - but thought you might like to hear what we did.

On the contra - I think crying is a loyalty thing 'mum I like to spend time with you, I'd rather you stayed, I hope you didn't misunderstand that I want you to go away' - and doesn't at all indicate they're not enjoying the place. Consistency pays off, as does giving them a bit of power back. At that age, they're quite open to little routines like walking themselves to the door and ringing the bell, or having a favoiurite toy that smells of mummy to stay with them, or showing mummy three big jumps on the trampoline before mummy goes. Also useful to speak about the actuvities of the day, or perhaps something you have planned for after nursery. It makes them more participative in the process; gives them a bit of control; and hence feel less 'dumped' iyswim.

[SoupDreggon]

I'm an evil mother. DS1 started at nursery at 23 months, 2 months before DS2 was due. 2 full days a week. He did do half days for a month but it never occurred to me to stay or have settling in sessions. He loved it. Stripped off down to his nappy on his first day and had to be chased round the room, shrieking, to get him dressed again. DS2 started at 22 months straight in at 2 full days!

Both are happy, confident children and had a whale of a time at nursery.

[SoupDreggon]

Nursery pretty much potty trained them both too which was a nice bonus

[boo64]

Cod/ Orville

PLEASE can you learn to type or spell better - I can't understand half of your posts....

[Tutter]

ah but boo, that's ok because she was replyig to me and i have a cse in basic codspeak

[FrannyandZooey]

You alright now Tutter? How you feeling about it?

[edam]

Tutter, sounds as if you haven't really explained to him that he is staying and mummy is going? Have I got that right? If so, I really would recommend explaining to him that you'll be going into the office/popping out to the shop/whatever is appropriate for the stage you've reached. If he doesn't realise he is staying on his own without you, he'll be very worried when he looks round and you aren't there - very scary from his point of view that mummy has just disappeared. The thing to emphasise is that he will have a fab time with lots of interesting things to do and mummy WILL be back to collect him later.

I used to wait, on the way out of nursery, to listen to ds and hear whether he was OK. Even on mornings when he'd had a wobble, he settled down and was playing happily as soon as I'd gone. But I think it's important that they know what the deal is.

By the time he was your ds's age, he was an old hand, and enjoyed it so much he didn't want to come home - used to take me by the hand and show me everything he'd played with all day, wanted me to stay at nursery and play with him rather than both of us to go home. Which was reassuring.

[thejelly]

Stick with it, he'll soon love it and want to go the rest of the week and weekends too. But always say goodbye when you go. My son is 3 and has been desperate to do whatever it is I say mummy has to go and do while he is at 'school'... shopping, bank... Loves nursery as long as I'm there in the lobby waiting with his little brother. We've spent a month and a half hanging about for one hour till we get chucked out - the idea is he says he's not ready to go yet... Broke my heart when I left him for 10 - 15 minutes. Last week he finally said 'bye bye' then gave me the 'why are you still here, mummy?' look I've been waiting for, and cried when he couldn't go yesterday (Saturday). Everyone tells me it is easier for them to start at 2 yrs than 3, it's only 2 mornings a week, it's a fantastic way for kids to learn social skills, so ditch the guilt, you ARE doing the right thing.

[Tutter]

we were back again today but i only tried one 5 minute break - the rest of the time i stayed with him (he was v upset when i returned from the 5 min break)

they have been suggesting to just sneak out - which i've done - and just to develop the idea that "mummy always come back". but i think i agree that he should understand that i will leave him there - will chat to him in the car about it on the way to the next visit

still undecided about what the decision will be - we'll either stick with it, leave it for a couple of months, or leave it for a year or so (and use a nanny for a day or two a week when ds2 arrives)

[Tutter]

am also struggling with parents' and ILs' contributions, along the lines of "well it'll do him good" "he does seem very attached to you, tutter"



is this a previous-generational thing, toughening them up?

[burek]

lies and bribery worked for me.
"mummy has to go to the shop for a bit so you can stay here and play with the other boys and girls, which is much more fun" and "if you're a really good boy in nursery I'll find you something nice in the shop too".
Obviously there was a lot of explaining of the situation in advance, and settling in sessions. He adapted really fast when he started at age 2.5 but due to moving abroad after 6 months he then spent 7 months without nursery. When he restarted he was an utter monster, kicking and screaming hysterically, to avoid going to nursery. Real guilt trip time. Three weeks later, he suddenly changed and now loves the place. He misses it on weekends and wants to go back after tea in the afternoons.
If it's right for you and the changes you'll have in the coming months, stick with it and he'll most likely be fine. It makes your heart swell with pride when you see them running in to school so happily, and interacting/playing with other kids. They get to do all the stuff they love in there ALL DAY! How fab.

[Anna8888]

Last year I took a look at nurseries because I felt I needed a break from being a full-time SAHM. I didn't like what I saw very much at all, and when I factored in the cost and the effort of getting my daughter there I quickly concluded that it would be cheaper and more flexible to have more regular cleaning help at home and to pay an ad hoc babysitter from time to time.

Could you not look for a cleaner-cum-mother's help who could help you out at home in a flexible way?

[Tutter]

thanks both. burek - hear what you're saying, and hope that it would work out that way for us too, but of sign of it yet...

anna - yes, am looking at that option too

[FrannyandZooey]

ooh hello

[FrannyandZooey]

Ok, well I would NEVER leave without saying that you are going

apart from the fact that this is just disrespectful and sneaky, I think it makes children very nervous. They never know where or when their Mummy might choose to disappear.

If you can afford the nanny, I would absolutely do that. Lots of advantages for all of you.

I don't think there are many advantages to nursery at this age unless you have a very outgoing and independent child. It hasn't been a fantastic start, and you didn't seem totally happy with it from the beginning, really.

Yes people do seem to feel anxious when a child shows healthy attachment to his mother In Japan you would be feted as a super Mama - they value bonding and family attachments very highly and heap praise upon mothers who have children that are what we call "clingy"

[edam]

agree with F&Z about not just disappearing. But don't agree it's not a good idea for a child of this age. I'd persevere for a bit, if I were you.

Is it possible he's picking up that you are anxious? Maybe you need to make sure you are as calm as possible too!

[Tutter]

update for anyone still listening (and still has the will to live)...

took ds for another settlign visit this afternoon - was very much a last attempt - was pretty much decided that nursery not for him right now (and had started thinking nannies, thanks eleusis).

but he stopped crying for the first time. they were outside in the garden (may have helped - more to distract him) and for the first time i told him i was going away for a litle while and i'd be back soon.

they came to tell me he'd stopped crying after about 10 mins and was playing in the sandpit. i spied for a little while and, whilst he didn't look beside himself with glee, he was at least playing.

after 30 mins i went back out and collected him

fingers crossed this isn't a one-off. have arranged to go back for two more short visits next week [cautiously optimistic]

[Tutter]

ps nursery happy to put back his start date because the settling process is taking longer than i'd anticipated

[Porpoise]

that's great, Tutter!
Lurked on this thread before and have just remembered that you moved recently (to Marlow, wasn't it?). Maybe that had something to do with his initial unwillingness to settle - lots of change etc

[Porpoise]

Gosh, didn't mean to sound like a freaky stalker - only remembered the Marlow thing because I come from down that way