just taken ds to his first settling in session at nursery - could do with talking it through!

[Tutter]

am planning on starting ds at nursery 2 mornings a week after easter

he's 22mo. am expecting ds2 in july (hence starting ds1 in nursery - just to free up some time for me and newborn when he arrives)

he's pretty confident and happy - not clingy. he legged it to play with toys when we got there so i retreated to the office without saying goodbye

he was fine for half an hour - apparentl playing happily on his own but then got upset - was looking for me. after 15 mins they came to get me and we headed off

was only going to be an hour's settling period anyway

but now am feeling all hormonal and upset and wondering if i'm doing the right thing. i don't have to send him after all - am at home and have no plans to return to work

any advice/words of wisdom/reassurance would be appreciated

[Tutter]

also, part of the problem today i think was that he spotted me in the office. i moved chairs then so he couldn't see me, but by then he knew Mummy Was In The Building

[Mumpbump]

[mrsjohnsim]

in my experience with both palygroup and preschool, the children do often settle soon after the parent has gone.
There was one girl at preschool who would always have a terrible melt down when her parents were leaving. It really made me feel bad for them all. As soon as they'd gone, she just kind of shook herslef and sat down on the mat and cheered up straight away [smiel]
but of course they never saw that.

however, in playgroup there was a girl who never ever settled, she still cried and wobbled thru the whole session in the last term... i thought it was sad that the leaders didn't talk to the parents and say this just isn't working. I'd have felt terribel if this had happened with ds1

I think you need to get a feel for the staff too so you can tell if they are telling you the truth about how she is doing too

It doesn't stop being a worry!

[Tutter]

taking him back for second settling session this afternoon

wish us both luck

[lump in throat]

[Tutter]

[amidaiwish]

oh good luck
i would definitely agree that you should say with a big cheery voice, "bye bye, i will get you after x see you later" and off you go, no hesitation or hanging about.

you can always hover out of sight!

[Tutter]

didn't go very well today

he managed 5 mins before noticing i wasn't there then sobbed uncontrollably til they came and got me (about 15 mins later)

i stayed with him for the next hour and a half while he had tea and played. was fine while i was there

have more sessions planned for nxt week - they advised i stay with him for the time being

feeling glum. really didn't think it would be like this

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Maybe a childminder would be better, and a little more flixible?

[MrsApron]

dd1 was 2.3 when dd2 born it was difficult with both but ok really. dd1 started playgroup at 2.6 (not a backwards glance btw) and dd2 settled into a school run routine with naps while walking down and again to collect her.

pros and cons but if you don't feel like one or both of you are ready then don't.

there are children in the playgroup who are not v happy there they play but are v wobbly so even at 2.6 on somw kids aren't ready.

[FrannyandZooey]

Tutter, I don't think not being ready to stay without you on the second visit is a problem

personally I have always been proud when my child does NOT instantly trust strangers enough to be left with them - he has sound natural instincts that he needs to know someone quite well before he is happy to be in their care.

And I also think the nursery sound like good bods if they are advising you to stay for now

it is shocking, but most places will either suggest or even insist that you leave them to cry because they will have to get used to it

[BizzyDint]

are you saying bye to him when you leave or are you sneaking out?

[FrannyandZooey]

I stayed with ds for several sessions until he was ready to have me go and sit in the other room "to have a cup of tea next door". Then a couple of sessions like that, before I said "I will just pop to...X shop to get you some.....X" (then come back within 30 mins). Then an hour, etc etc.

At each stage I waited for him to be ready for me to disappear in this way. If he got upset, I didn't go. I didn't see the point - I didn't have to go anywhere and I still remember being left by my own mother at playgroup when I didn't want to be left

[bobsmum]

Tutter - haven't read all your replies. but here's what I did. had enormous pressure from friends and HV etc etc to send ds at 2 ish before dd was born and decided against it. In the end he started 5 mornings a week just before he turned 4. For us this was totally right - no settling issues and he would just run to the door desperate to get in and play. By 3, he understood where he was going and wanted to go. Any earlier and it would have been me wanting him to go.

He was 2.5 when dd was born and we carried on doing playgroup etc, much less stressful and laidback. As dd slept so much in the day I had far more time with ds than I had expected and the whole transition was quite smooth.

No family support either - parents work full time and ILs 4 hours away.

We had our own timetable for the first while and led into nursery quite gently I think.

but rambly but hope it helps?

Boys benefit from being with their mummy's longer than girls IMO and for ds this has been really true.

[glassslipper]

imo you have to say goodbye to him. if you sneak out they panic as they dont know where you are.

[mamalocco]

I bowed down to pressure to send dd1 to nursery when she was 2.5 for 2/3 mornings a week. She hated it. Against my better judgement (everyone kept saying, stick with it, she'll be fine) I kept her there and she continued to be unhappy. When she was nearly 4 she started at the nursery attached to her school and was fine.

I sent ds to a nursery (a different one and one I was much happier with), but it was for my benefit (expecting/having dd2). He was happy there, but I don't think he was any better off than if he had been at home.

Things maybe different for you, but I actually found it more work having ds at nursery. Rushing to get ready in the mornings when the baby wanted feeding, having to wake her up when it was time to pick ds up.

Don't mean to sound negative about nursery. Although I wish I hadn't sent dd1 and possibly ds, I don't think its done them any lasting damage!!

[Tutter]

thanks everybody

feeling really wobbly about it - for whose benefit am i doing it? could i manage with both at home? will we still be able to get out and do the sorts of activities ds1 loves? would he in fact benefit from nursery once he's got over the separation thing? should he get over the separation thing at his age?



will talk to dh tonight and despite pgcy will have a glass of wine

[OrvilleRedenbacher]

tutter he told me he was bladry glad to get away fomr oyu

[OrvilleRedenbacher]

adn hes sick of lokign at your legs as you tip tap type

do it now
if oyu dont then you do it a 4 when he goes to eton pre prep

[Tutter]

thanks cod

a wet fishy slap always helps

did your dsses go to nursery as minnows?

[OrvilleRedenbacher]

yes and the day i was going bakc to work wiht ds1 i said to my sister " ohi am so nevous abvout ds1 - he was 5 months fgs( wtf was i on) and she said " oh fgs hell love it gettign away from you"

and she was liek a breth of frehs air

so go on be brave!

[FrannyandZooey]

Tutter, I presumed it was for your benefit - I don't think it would benefit him at this age really.

Nothing wrong with it being for your benefit if it will make family life easier all round.

I know at this age for ds he would not and should not have been made to get over the separation thing. But you know your own child.

[OrvilleRedenbacher]

then ds2 was 6 months( only htree teahcer days aw eek)

then i moved here and they stayed at home and ds1 went ot a sessional preschool

[OrvilleRedenbacher]

also talk throught i
get him to ring someone teo tlel them about it
tla abotu what a godo boy he is nad og over and oevr what you do when you drop him
do nto tarry and piss abvout att he door htoguh

[FrannyandZooey]

"he was 5 months fgs( wtf was i on) and she said " oh fgs hell love it gettign away from you" "

sorry cod but that is seriously unhinged

I can't let that one by as just another example of your wacky and forthright views

5 month olds want to be with their parents and they do not love getting away from them

[Tutter]

franny it does appear to be a good nursery - recommended by everyone who's come across it

relieved that they are not rushing the settlign process - no-one's talked cheque books yet so have not had to commit

he hasn't let me leave the room since we got back. except for now - thank heavens for in the night garden