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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Have I overreacted? Dd bitten at nursery in her second week.

17 replies

Cloudhopper · 13/03/2007 15:44

I have been back at work a total of 4 days. Dd (1yo) has not been settling in well at all, which I am trying to take in my stride.

Today she was bitten on the face, and they phoned me at lunch just to 'let me know' that it looked really bad. I was very understanding about it when talking to the nursery. I know it happens all the time and I realise it isn't their fault.

Anyway, once I was off the phone, I just couldn't relax. So I have taken half a day's leave and went straight to the nursery to pick her up. My reasoning was that if she is unsettled anyway, leaving her there all day after being bitten is going to be stressful.

Now I am starting to worry about whether nursery is a suitable environment at all for a 1yo and am wondering whether to pay 3 times more for a nanny. Am I over-reacting??

Please someone tell me I am being a bit OTT and that it will settle down over time.

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Dottydot · 13/03/2007 15:49

I think it's just really really hard leaving them at nursery for the first time. They do get bitten from time to time - I think it's good the nursery phoned to let you know.

Maybe give it a while longer before making any decisions about other child care arrangements - force yourself to wait a month and review then! I'm sure it will settle down over time - it's just hard to get through the first few weeks when you feel bad about leaving them anyway - but I'm sure she'll be OK and she needs you to be all sunny and positive about it..!

Caligula · 13/03/2007 15:53

You're probably more upset about it than she is.

She could be bitten in a toddler group with the nanny there.

If you want a nanny instead of the nursery, don't let it be just because of the bite.

bundle · 13/03/2007 15:54

cloudhoppper, settling your child at nursery is difficult at any time, but her being bitten will obviously shake your confidence, so be kind to yourself. I settled my daughters into nursery before they were a year, which imo is easier because it's before separation anxiety sets in. in your dd's case it may take a little longer.

Nannies (where I live) don't cost 3 times more, but if you'd prefer that type of childcare then go for it - but obviously your daughter could get bitten in a drop-in which a nanny could take her to - or even when she's with you, that's life.

Have you spoken to the nursery workers about your worries? those at our nursery are well used to "settling" the parents as well as the child, iykwim.

My girls have both been in nursery since they were 7 mths old and thrived there, I wouldn't have used any other form of childcare. but many of my friends have used childminders, nannies or stayed at home themselves. each to their own, but please don't beat yourself up over this. I bet once she settles she has a whale of a time. could you ask your employer if you could have a little flexibility during the settling period so that you could pick her up say an hour earlier than normal, to help both of you?

ScottishThistle · 13/03/2007 15:57

She's only been there for 4 days, try not to let the biting incident overwhelm you.

If you can afford a Nanny, I'd think about it. [biased point of view from a Nanny]

Original poster

Cloudhopper · 13/03/2007 16:30

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I think I know deep down that I am over-reacting, but I was just so surprised by the overwhelming feeling I had to protect her at any costs.

I think because it was on the face it is somehow more disturbing.

I can't afford a nanny, and my other daughter (3yo) is in the same nursery. I think that because the older one settled into nursery so easily (at 5mo) I am finding this very difficult. I never really liked the nursery for the other dd, but I just kind of stuck with it because it was easier than changing.

Perhaps the whole going back to work thing is harder than I had thought it would be, and this is just one reaction it is prompting.

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ScottishThistle · 13/03/2007 19:33

Cloudhopper, you must have a very cheap nursery if 2 places are cheaper than a Nanny!

What do you mean you never really liked the nursery for your other dd?

Original poster

Cloudhopper · 13/03/2007 20:49

You're right socttishthistle, I have got a very cheap nursery! It is a staff nursery and I get a full tax deduction. It costs the same for both children as it did for one child in her previous private nursery.

And the convenience of it - onsite, means it would be just madness to do anything else.

But having watched dd1 in nursery from the age of 6 months to 3 1/2, I can see how the model of care is designed around 2 1/2-3 plus year olds, and how ill-suited it is to babies who have anxiety separation issues and different needs. In my opinion (of course!) babies up to at least 2 yo are much better off with a stable carer in a home environment.

Anyway, I have made my bed, so I must lie in it. For me it isn't a question of what is best, it is a question of what we can afford and what makes logical sense. My heart kind of knows it is wrong, but my head is ruling.

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princesscc · 13/03/2007 20:58

I would be mortified if my child had been bitten, but I do agree that you shouldn't write them off just yet, but what about the child who did the biting? I assume the nursery are dealing with that because imo it isn't acceptable at all.

ScottishThistle · 13/03/2007 21:04

Well sometimes we have to make the best of what we can afford cloudhopper, though I agree nursery settings aren't perfect for babies (won't start on that one)...At least you're on site, that's something to be thankful for!

Original poster

Cloudhopper · 13/03/2007 21:47

tbh princesscc, I think it is actually very common that children bite each other. I agree that I would hope that the nursery will watch more carefully the interactions between dd and the child who bit her, but I don't want to know who it was, because I would maybe look at the child differently subconsciously and that would be wrong.

I just think it is such a shame that she was bitten so early in starting nursery and hope it doesn't make it harder to settle her in.

st, i know. Thanks for making it sound okay! I have to make the best of it and just ride out the first few weeks. it will get easier!

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ScottishThistle · 13/03/2007 21:51

It'll get easier for sure, the only way is up!

lemonaid · 13/03/2007 21:53

The biting incident itself wouldn't bother me. Biting phases are fairly common and the staff can't always catch the biter before they do it. And whenever DS was bitten he never seemed too bothered about it in the long term (obviously lots of cuddles, etc., at the time it happened, but by the end of the day it was clear he didn't really remember much about it).

WaynettaSlob · 13/03/2007 21:55

I remember the first time DS1 was bitten at nursery I was seething, and wanted to find the monstrous child who had damaged my PFB!! Roll forward about 12 months, and anytime I picked him up and saw the girls approaching me, I would find myself hoping that he had been bitten rather than having bitten / hit someone else!!!!

potoroo · 13/03/2007 22:35

Waynettaslob, I know exactly how you feel. DS went through a biting phase - we have no idea why. It took a few months of consolidated effort on the part of the nursery and us to stop it.
But much easier to deal with being bitten than feel like the bad parent of the child doing the biting.

The nursery will never tell you who did the biting (if your child got bitten) or who your child bit.

bundle · 14/03/2007 11:24

cloudhopper I couldn't disagree with you more re: under 2's not being suited to nursery environment..(and many of my friends who've opted for that had anything but stability - nannies leaving with little notice etc) but it is much harder to settle a 1 yr old than a 6 mth old. and I think it's harder for you, being the 2nd one..
x

Enid · 14/03/2007 11:28

is she in a baby room or is it one room for all?

Original poster

Cloudhopper · 14/03/2007 20:50

enid she is in the baby room but because there is such a huge waiting list only siblings get in. It has kind of worked out that because they have only got a very small number of places that most of the children are over 2 in the 'baby' room. She is the youngest by far and at the moment is a bit overwhelmed by older children who can all walk and talk, and she is just a baby crawling round and getting trodden on and cuddled!

I can't blame the staff - they are really doing their best to settle her in, and they are absolutely lovely. I don't feel angry about the bite, because I know it just happens. I have never really got angry when other children have hurt my dds because I know it isn't malicious but a phase they go through. God knows mine may go through a similar phase themselves.

I think this is just insecurity on my part and questioning my decision to go with nursery care when I had reservations. I think I am sort of re-inforcing my own doubts at the moment - like a self-fufilling prophecy.

It has been hard leaving her when I am having to literally prise her off me to give to a member of staff - and then she cries broken-heartedly.

I am just going to have to be sensible and get used to it. The marks on the face have sort of faded a bit today and I am no longer so worried about her being scarred for life

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