Feeling awful about first day in nursery

[Smellen]

DS (13mths) going to nursery for the first time tomorrow. I will have to leave him for 3 hours. Because the nursery was closed over the Xmas period, he has had virtually no time to get used to the place - we visited for an hour today and that has been it apart from a few visits in December.

We have spent time apart before - at 6 months he spent 7 weeks with my husband and mother sharing the childcare full-time. At 9 & 10 mths he spent 2 days a week with a childminder. But now he seems so much more aware of his environment and I seem more important to him at the moment.

He will have to spend 2 and a half days a week at a nursery, and I feel awful. It feels like I am letting him down and betraying his trust in me to be on-hand. I know this is "normal", but it isn't helping.

Any tips on how to get through the next few weeks/months? Is this going to damage our relationship/his trust in me? Am I being melodramatic?

Not sure about melodramatic, but you really need to put on a braver face for your DS - if you're outwardly unsure/tense/hesitant, you will be doing him no favours at all as he will pick up on this and act accordingly.

Both my DDs have been through nursery to no ill effect (and lots of benefit actually).

You must though, be happy with your choice of nursery. Are you? If you're not sure, can you spend anymore time with him there before he starts properly? You can phone and check on his progress throughout the day.

If you are happy, then head up, smile on your face and lots of positive vibes. He will settle - may take some time, but he will.

smellen, you say you will have to leave him, and he will 'have' to spend 2 and a half days at nursery; are you happy with having him in mursery at all? Would you prefer a childminder, or has your experience before led you to decide against it?

You just don't sound like you want to do this at all.

I have huge sympathy, I didn't want to either and didn't in the end, as I left ds with my MIL instead for my two work days.

Just wondered what has led you to nursery?

Smellen, i was in exactly the same position last year as my ds (then 10mths) started nursery on 2nd Jan and, as you say, they are closed over xmas so he had little settling in immeadiatly before. He goes 3 days a wk and as we have no family in the area had not spent any time away from us before.

He loves nursery and settled very well, there were a few teary mornings but as i am very happy with the nursery and confident with the staff I left him knowing hed be fine.

Today he has gone back v. happily after the xmas break and I know ive made the right choice. it is horrible at the start, more so for mums than our LOs Im sure. But if you are confident with your choice of childcare it will get better. If your not happy then maybe you can have a look around or think about childminders etc

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you manage to get through the day.

Smellen, I just took my ds (10 mths) to nursery for the first time today. OK it was only for an hour, just for him to start getting used to it. I was really worried because I have never left him with anyone other than my husband before, and he is very clingy (ds not dh!!). To my huge surprise and relief he was fine. Your lo may surprise you too.

I completely understand the guilt feelings. I've got them too. But I am sure it won't damage our relationship and that it won't damage yours either.

my dd starts next week. i just think about all the things she'll benefit from when she's there. like other children to play with, different toys and books than she has at home, other adults to engage with, trained childcare providers with other ideas than i have with regards games, activities etc. plus she'll be able to do all kinds of messy things i don't like to do in our house!

of course there are down sides, but you have to look on the bright side or it'll really get you down.

Thanks all for your advice/support. I am happy with the nursery itself - it seems clean, bright, well resourced, and the carers seem competent and positive.

However, only left childminder (who was fab, and with whom I felt totally happy leaving DS - it was like having another granny)because we moved to another area.

Ideally would have placed DS with another childminder - but I couldn't find anyone suitable with a vacancy. Am happy with the nursery, it comes with a great OFSTED and personal recommendation from a friend - but still feeling sh*te about it.

However, will put on a brave face. Have been saying nice things about nursery all afternoon, and his daddy has too. Have always taught him "will be back" means just that, so hoping he will understand this tomorrow. But can't help thinking that it will be confusing and a bit distressing for him too.

It is hard this mothering business. Am going back to work because I like it, and because playing with lego/reading about tractors/etc seven days a week makes even the most dedicated parent go slightly mental... but now feel like I am being really selfish.

Better go and rescue dinner. Thanks again for your sympathy. Will let you know how it goes.

Smellen, how was it? Thinking of you...

Don't feel selfish about going back to work. You will be a better parent if you are fulfilled and stimulated yourself, and if you need work for that then so be it. I know that I do. Everything is a balancing act.

Evening all, & hello fluffyanimal,

Thanks for asking - it has been a long day!! Took him in this morning, and stayed for about 10mns before I headed off - which the nursery manager said might make things more difficult, as it could give DS a false sense of security, i.e. that mummy plays there too. (She has suggested that next time I just pass him over at the door - so will try that on Friday).

Anyway, he was in hysterics when I left, I cried a bit too (but not in front of DS), and then the manager rang me 10mns later to say that he had stopped crying and was playing with another baby.

He ate a huge lunch, played in their garden, and slept for 1 1/2 hours (which he would never do for me in a noisy, light room!) When I went to pick him up, he wriggled away from me to go and do something else.

I guess it is harder on the mother!! Anyway, he has another half day on Friday, and then 2 full days next week, so I hope that gradually he will feel happy about being left... because I think that the leave-taking is probably the most traumatic part of the whole process.

I am exhausted this evening - it has been a very emotional day for me! Thanks for your advice and kind words, it has made things a bit easier.

So glad it went well, smellen, sounds like he had a great time. Now put your feet up and have a well earned glass of wine!

hi smellen
my ds starts nursery on monday.he is 6 months. hes only doing 3 mornings a week for 3 weeks and then 3 full days. i left him yesterday for half an hour, today for 45 mins, an hour or so tomorrow and 2 hours on fri. and he hasnt cried at all!! traitor, he plays his dad up something rotten when i leave him to just get in the bath!!
but it is so heart wrenching, it really is like a kick in the stomach. but i now he is fine, and i even know one of the girls in there anyway.

my ds1 went to nursery from 22 months and did brilliantly, it gave him such a head start at school so i have no doubts about ds2 going at all.
it does get better i promise, i just have to remind myself that also

How's it going, worleygig? Here it is snot city, as DS has picked up a cold in his first couple of days, he is also v v clingy at home, freaking out totally when I put him down. He has started waking at 5am - we are all knackered. Is this a normal part of settling in? At nursery itself he has been a bit "tearful" and "clingy", but is this due to his having a cold or general settling in difficulties?

Any advice / reassurance gratefully received...