nursery has ruined my happy child...

[queenrollo]

My two year old started nursery two weeks ago, two 3 hour morning sessions a week.
He has only ever been away from me a handful of times in the last two years, all with his dad or my mum both of whom he knows well.
I stayed for the first two hours of the session and then went off with a cuppa to the parents room and he lasted 20 mins before realising I had gone, and he got upset. They couldn't distract or console him so they came and got me and we went home as it was so close to session end.

Second session I stayed first 20 mins and then they took him to wash his hands for snack and i went to parents room. He got upset a few times but they distracted him well and asked me to take him home half hour early as he was getting tired and they wanted him to go home while he was still happy and had good associations.

Third session....keyworker greeted him with a toy and he ran off to play so I left straight away. He had a couple of little moments across the morning but enjoyed himself and didn't want to leave when i went to pick up.

Fourth session - no-one came to him when i entered the room and he was clinging, so after waiting a little while i ended up trying to get him to play and when he went to the other side of the room and seemed engaged I left. But he saw me go and got really upset.
I decided the best thing to do was keep going and he would most likely calm down.
Came home. Went back at the end of three hours to be told he had been upset and cross all morning, even after a nap.
He was sobbing when i entered the room and it was awful.
He has been ultra clingy and upset all weekend, and i just went into town with him and my normally happy and sociable boy has screamed and clung to me every time a stranger tried to talk to him, and i had to leave. I had to struggle to get him in the car seat and he cried for me from the back seat all the way home.

Sorry this is so long but I just feel utterly overwhelmed by the sudden change in him.
It was a difficult decision to send him to nursery, and I have tried very hard to be positive about it and see it as a good thing for him even though for me it is difficult.
He is supposed to go again on Weds....the staff suggested I hand him over at reception and I have reservations about this but am willing to try and see if it reduces his anxiety at me leaving.

Thank you if you have read this far. If anyone has any suggestions or reassurances for me they would be most welcome.

I need a break....before I break.

Believe me, if this was not completely necessary to stop my mental health taking a complete slide then I would not be doing it. My parenting path is Attachment Parenting - babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping. I Home Educate. I believe in letting them find their independence in their own time. It has worked wonders with my eldest.
However this time round I have no family or friends close by that can help out, and a medical condition (for DS2) which has brought severe sleep deprivation (and the emotional upheaval of diagnosis at birth).
It has turned our lives upside down and I have had to admit with a heavy heart that putting him in nursery two mornings a week so I can catch up on housework and have some time for me (because of his treatment i can't guarantee any semblance of an evening to myself) is needed.

I am having to make the best of the situation that the Universe saw fit to give me. It is not the life I thought I would be living when I finally got pregnant with this much wanted little boy.

It's perfectly fine to need a break! I just didn't get that from your op.

Kids are bloody hard work whatever your take on sleeping and feeding.

Then it is important to continue. Are there any other cm or nursery options near you? They don't sound great with no one being there to welcome him. That's always the key to the whole session I find!

Just read a bit of the thread and seen that apart from teenage girls you feel this is your only option.

Totally agree you need to be somewhere different for it to be a break for you.

Apologies for repeated post but does he have a comforter/cuddly toy to take with him? Mine have always benefited greatly from theirs in nursery settings (and school for the first half term dd1!).

Unfortunately he's never really adopted a comforter or toy. His thing has always been to twiddle my ears...
I have a taggy which a friend made and I have started wearing it inside my top, I'm going to send that in with him next week and hopefully it smelling of me might help him settle.

I have read your post but not all the replies so apologise if I'm duplicating, I could have written a very similar post not very long ago. My first advice would be to find a better nursery, you need one where your ds has a key worker who will genuinely be there for him every time he needs them and will really care about him enjoying his time at nursery.
Then you need to spend lots of time there (check this is ok with the nursery before you sign him up) play with your ds, let him gain confidence in the setting knowing you are there, let him experience using the toilet/ nappy changing and transitions to snack time & circle time whilst you are there. You'll find there are a few things that light him up, if your key worker is good she will notice them too, my dc it was going outside to play, so when he went to do that I said you go with key worker (I did use her name) and I'll sit here inside (as I didn't have a coat).
Let him begin to explore safe in the knowledge that you are there, chat to nursery staff and other parents/ carers, if he can see you are happy there then he will know this is an ok place to be.
Once you feel he is confident try some mini errands, e.g I've left my purse in the car and need to pop and get it so I can pay for snack etc make sure he knows you are going and that he is very engaged with key worker poised to ensure he stays busy with whatever he is doing, then pop out and comeback soon, with your purse as you said. Do a few of these so he gets used to you coming back as you said you would, you can do slightly longer errands eg to shops for pint of milk, but always do as you say you will and come back when you say you will.
You will find gradually he starts to discover stuff to do, and his key worker will have to be less focused on him, but a good one will be keeping an eye on him.
When you get back, don't make a big fuss, greet him like you would if you'd left him with his dad for half an hour to pop to the shops, keep it low key, you have not come to rescue him, this is a good place to be.
In your situation if you can delay his nursery start too until he is three I would do that.
Please don't feel you need to be persuaded that he should be left to cry, it's not normal and not healthy.
I say this speaking from recent and raw experience and I now have a dc who is happily attending a much more relaxed and caring nursery and is genuinely happy to go, excited to be going and has so many lovely and funny things to tell me each day!

redcar Thank you for the post.

I am an early years practitioner who works with two year olds. I know it's been said a few times in this thread but saying goodbye to your child should definitely of been encouraged at the setting, this way even though he might get upset initially he will know that your coming back. The reason he is being clingy outside of nursery is probably because he thinks your going to just leave him unexpectedly when his back is turned. The first few sessions were fine for him cos it can take little ones a while to realise that they're actually being left which is very normal.
I would still stick with the nursery as apart from the whole transition situation other things you have mentioned seem positive. Does he have a comforter of any sort or maybe a photo of you or other family members that he could keep in his Bag and have access to it when he wants? in all my 14 years of working with children I have never had a child that hasn't settled (although sometimes I've thought it!). Maybe start with shorter sessions and build them up. I know it can be hard but I think you should persist. Soon he won't want to leave when you go to pick him up!

The nursery handled it all wrong. You need to talk to children and prepare them for what's coming next. They should have told you to give him a kiss and say you're leaving to have a cup of tea. Even if this made him cry it's better than tricking him because he won't trust anyone if he finds you gone without telling him.

Does he have a key worker who can greet him each day and with whom you can encourage him to form an attachment?

Also definitely no to sneaking away even if he cries and has to be prised out of your arms you must say goodbye and let him know that you'll be back soon. Otherwise he'll start to think you will always be sneaking away from him and he'll be continually anxious.

Talk to him about mummy leaving him at nursery for a bit but always coming back. I used picture books about starting nursery to prepare my DCs for what they can expect at nursery e.g. Having a peg for coat, playing with friends, snack time, stories and always ending with mummy coming back. I made the words up to suit what I knew his nursery did.

Also don't feel guilty, you are the adult and you know that it is his best interest long term to have a healthy and sane mum.

The new arrangement is that his keyworker comes out to the reception gate and greets him and I tell him I am going to work and a firm goodbye and that I will be back for lunch.
We're going to stick with that plan and the other agreement is that they phone me if he is still not settling after outdoor time - basically if playing with mud doesn't settle him, nothing will. I will go and collect him then.

This weekend I have noticed he has become particularly fond of snuggling under a blanket I crocheted and I have some of the wool left so i'm just about to sit down and make up a smaller version for him to take to nursery with him.

That sounds like a really good plan!

If they phone when they haven't settled its great because then you know if there's no call all is grand!

drop off yesterday was very upsetting again but when i went to collect him he was playing happily and they said he had settled much better. I have a feeling the toy dumper trucks and mud were too much for him to resist.

I could have written your original post. Two weeks into nursery, my dd was still sobbing like her heart would break, and, by the time I was a 100 yards away, so was I. I was just thinking how we could survive without my salary when I went in to pick her up and the staff had taken lots of pictures of her laughing her head off playing with bubbles just after I left. It takes a few days, but usually they do adjust well. I think nursery was great for both my kids from the point of view of learning to socialise, care about others, share, exercise - loads of things really. Glad it's going better for you both now.

Tears at drop off again today but he was cuddling the little blanket I made as he went off.
They said he settled much quicker today and has spent lots of time playing, both independently and with group stuff. He was protective of the blanket, and they think that was a great idea as it is a strong association with home (and I had asked him to look after it for me).
He gave everyone a cheery goodbye as we left.
We got home and he wouldn't leave me, so I indulged that and let him just sit and cuddle and in his own time he got down to play and ask for food.
I think (fingers crossed) we may have turned a corner.

Great!

Fantastic. And fingers crossed for you.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for each and every one of you who offered words of advice, support and comfort over the last few weeks.
I was really struggling with this whole thing on so many levels and felt trapped.

Today DS2 had yet another ace session at nursery and came running to greet me at pick up with a huge grin and immediately started to 'tell' me what he had been doing.
He did cry at drop off, but his keyworker sat and had one to one with him and after 10 mins he just got up and went off to play. He joined in snack time and ate there for the first time. He has just has a great, great time.

I know that we might still have days where it's not so great - but then who has a great day every day?

You all got me through a very rough time.

Children and nurseries are all different, my dd has settled brilliantly but my sister's Ds has taken weeks but is now starting to settle and enjoy it. I don't think staff not coming forward to welcome/comfort him sounds good though, I'd consider moving him or changing to a cm if you prefer a one to one setting.

Today at drop off he was doing his usual act of clinging as we entered but when I suggested he go and help keyworker play with the diggers he actually pulled away from me and leant out to be taken by her. It is the first time he has willingly been handed to another member of staff. He did cry a little as I said goodbye and left but on collection I was told that he hasn't got upset at all during the session.
I really do think that the increased outdoor time has distracted him enough for this keyworker to really build on her relationship with him.

Say bye & see you later so he knows you are coming back. Don't sneak away though, he needs to know you are going & will be back later. Play hide & seek/peek a boo at home so he starts to understand or get used to the idea that he will see you again after a short break away from you.

I could have written your posts! Have you spoken to your SEN team at your local council. They can often offer support in the way of a 1 to 1 support worker for your son while he adjusts to nursery. Depending on your child's medical condition an Education and Health Care plan(EHC) might be useful.