nursery has ruined my happy child...

[queenrollo]

My two year old started nursery two weeks ago, two 3 hour morning sessions a week.
He has only ever been away from me a handful of times in the last two years, all with his dad or my mum both of whom he knows well.
I stayed for the first two hours of the session and then went off with a cuppa to the parents room and he lasted 20 mins before realising I had gone, and he got upset. They couldn't distract or console him so they came and got me and we went home as it was so close to session end.

Second session I stayed first 20 mins and then they took him to wash his hands for snack and i went to parents room. He got upset a few times but they distracted him well and asked me to take him home half hour early as he was getting tired and they wanted him to go home while he was still happy and had good associations.

Third session....keyworker greeted him with a toy and he ran off to play so I left straight away. He had a couple of little moments across the morning but enjoyed himself and didn't want to leave when i went to pick up.

Fourth session - no-one came to him when i entered the room and he was clinging, so after waiting a little while i ended up trying to get him to play and when he went to the other side of the room and seemed engaged I left. But he saw me go and got really upset.
I decided the best thing to do was keep going and he would most likely calm down.
Came home. Went back at the end of three hours to be told he had been upset and cross all morning, even after a nap.
He was sobbing when i entered the room and it was awful.
He has been ultra clingy and upset all weekend, and i just went into town with him and my normally happy and sociable boy has screamed and clung to me every time a stranger tried to talk to him, and i had to leave. I had to struggle to get him in the car seat and he cried for me from the back seat all the way home.

Sorry this is so long but I just feel utterly overwhelmed by the sudden change in him.
It was a difficult decision to send him to nursery, and I have tried very hard to be positive about it and see it as a good thing for him even though for me it is difficult.
He is supposed to go again on Weds....the staff suggested I hand him over at reception and I have reservations about this but am willing to try and see if it reduces his anxiety at me leaving.

Thank you if you have read this far. If anyone has any suggestions or reassurances for me they would be most welcome.

It would worry me that they suggested that. It's a crap thing to do, just leave them without saying good bye, of course it's going to make them worried when you might next do it :( It's your first child, you did what they said, but it's worrying coming from them.

He needs to be met by someone each day, you need to explain to him that you will be back after xyz etc. tell him you are going to do something he finds boring (Supermarket shopping/hoovering/whatever) and go. Yes, given the unsettled start he's had hell probably scream the place down, but he'll settle down & have fun, then when he realises that you do come back every time, he'll be ok.

If you like it that much and your DS seems to enjoy various aspects of it then give it a bit longer. I worked in a nursery with various age groups and some children do just take a bit longer to settle. If you've had an intense time with him since birth then it is going to be hard for him to have that change of carer. Try the things suggested here and give it a little longer.

If you like the nursery and it feels right, it's worth persevering. Maybe explain what's happened and ask if his key worker can be on hand to involve him in stuff after you've said goodbye. Good luck try to enjoy your time to yourself - it sounds like you deserve it!

And no need to apologize for sending uour dc to nursery. There is nothing wrong with that! It will benefit you both.

It sounds like he will enjoy it once he gets the hang of it. But absolutely no more sneaking off. Ever.
Also it will take a few weeks. When my DS moved from the baby - 2 yeaes room to the 2-5 years room he was unsettled, being the smallest one again. Now, he loves it and asks to go!

Agree with others: no sneaking off! What a terrible idea.

But if you need some me time, how about a babysitter at home for a few hours instead?

I would just persevere, it is a hard age for changes if they don't have a lot of language as they dont understand what's happening. I agree with not sneaking off and explaining the routine even if you don't think they understand.

My dd (third child) has to go to nursery once a week for similar reasons. I think you've done really well to accept the necessity with your first child as family life is all about prioritising and it won't always be the best solution for each person individually...

Don't have a babysitter at home as it won't give you the head space you need. Your ds will get used to it and enjoy it even if it takes time.

My 18 month old dd has had a few changes recently and has clung to me like a limpet on being dropped off at nursery and picked up.. But she is getting over it now the dust has settled and i know it won't damage her permanently, she has a strong relationship with me and a happy life so it's just about her learning how to cope with change and developing resilience imo.

My fd also hated sneaking. I didn't realise I did. It was at my mums. So I learnt to do a goodbye that at four we still do. I say where I'm going and how long I'll be and what I'm doing when away. It always worked best to do that, bustle a minute, then stop and cuddle then go.
Dd went to nursery at 1. It took 3-4 months to settle completely. At two days a week, 8-4.

I think it takes longer to settle your home routine and nursery than you think.

Try giving him something to look after while your away. For us it was Disney figurines. Different every day. She would look after it til I came back for it.

Also, bit like a puppy, can you leave for short bursts too? So it's not just nursery you leave for?

I'm so glad I posted here, this has been so supportive and constructive for me.

He is actually my second child, but i separated from DS1 dad when he was 2.5 and he started nursery at 3. This was on the days he was with his dad, so I didn't do settling in there - besides which he is the child who ran straight in, first session and never looked back! (is still like this now even in new social situations at the age of 9)

Bonsoir - if it were simply time for me to shop/have a massage etc then a babysitter would work, but I want to get my sewing machine back out and do some crafting, and we're also renovating our house. On the few occassions my mum has come over here to look after him I still get interupted by him wanting me. So really the entirely separate location of nursery is the best way for us.

we did the reception drop off and goodbye. He was hysterical.
When I went to collect him at the end of the session they said he was really cross and temperamental for three hours and refuses to play or engage in activites with them or the other children.

We are home and his behaviour is awful. He has changed from being clingy to not wanting me and losing his temper with everything and i cannot connect with him or calm him at all.

I think the key to making him more secure in nursery is the relationship with his key worker. They are supposed to be their special friend when they are there to help minimise the fact that their main carer (ie mummy) isn't around. Does he like the key worker ? What is she doing with him to make him secure ? Would he be better with someone else ? At my DC's nursery they used to work quite hard to find the best key worker for each as some people just gel better with others. Originally they suggested someone for my DD as she was quiet and so was this lady, but actually in the end she gravitated towards someone else entirely. It might be worth thinking about.

Do you know any parents of other children that go on his days ? That could be another option, to find another child he may get on with and invite them over to play? But I would work on the key worker first.

Did his key worker visit him at home before he started ? That sometimes helps.

Op i am so sorry to hear that it didnt go well today. In my case it took dc a few weeks to settle. Agree with janice that having s good key worker is key.

He does seem happy enough with his keyworker, he sticks by her side. They know he likes playing with water/bubbles so they had moved a couple of things around today to do that with him. He didn't really want to, so she sat next to him and played with the water...he wouldn't play but seemed less cross apparently.

And though we live rurally it just so happens that the only other toddler in our village is also at this nursery but only the Friday session. They do play together outside of nursery (at home and a group we go to) so I am hoping that will help him settle too.

I am fairly sure that when the weather is better and they can get outside on a regular basis that he will warm to it much more. He can be the crossest boy ever....put him in a pile of mud and he cheers up. Unfortunately it has been really too inclement to go out the last couple of sessions.

I guess we have to just gently stick with this and see how it goes.

My daughter started at 22months and is still hard to settle (she is 26months now). Maybe try a different nursery? We are moving her now as I'm sure she should have settled by now x

I'm afraid that it is this nursery or a completely different approach as I don't like any of the other nurseries in our area. I have looked at childminders and actually have him a place on hold with one but she has expanded her business and now I am not so keen on the setting. (his place opens up in Sept and he has been on her waiting list for two years at that point)

If i had discovered this nursery when he was younger I probably would have started him then, but I didn't know about it and all the other nurseries in our area either only took them from 2 up or all their baby spaces were taken.
Predictably all of the good childminders are full.....the ones with spaces have spaces for a reason...

A nanny could work also. If you had someone who had own school age children,they would be happy to do just a few hours a day whilst own children at school. You can specify what you want them to do, so if you want outdoor lifestyle you say that before they start.

So someone say Monday, Wednesday and Friday 9.30-2.30pm. They can keep him out of the house in woods/ museums/ groups/ swimming etc etc. he can nap in pram outside, so you get a good few hours childfree in the home still.

You can basically say swimming one morning, toddler group the other, and museum the other. Followed by picnic lunch if weather ok and walk in park/ woods

It could...but though I looked I couldn't find a nanny who lived close enough to make it viable. It is one of the problems of the rural nature of the county I live in.
They are all based in the city an hours drive from me. My mum lives there anyway, so i could just drop him with her. The problem then is that if I need to get stuff done at home I just spend 4 hours a day driving.
There are just lots of young teenage girls looking for babysitting work and I really would prefer someone more mature at the moment.

Sticking with the nursery does seem best for you.

My DD2 is 2 and recently became very unsettled at nursery drop off due to changing rooms. Some things that are helping her:
Letting her take a small toy from home ( in addition to get comforter).
Asking her to draw me a picture while she is at nursery.
The nursery take pictures of her during the day and she helps them stick them on a sheet of paper to give to me at the end of the day.

Your DS might be behaving differently at home at the moment because he is testing your love for him. In his mind he may be wondering if you will stay or go if he behaves badly. Lots of cuddles at home, patience when dealing with difficult moments and talking positively about nursery will all help.

I hope your DS settles in soon.

Could you do a personalised chart/book for him with pictures (of you/him/nursery/staff etc) to explain what will happen on the days he goes to nursery (getting ready/going in/collection/evening activities). Talk to him on the way to nursery about it so he knows what is happening. Reassure him that you will let him know before you leave and you will be back to collect him soon. Tell him about all the fun he will have with the other children and all the fun things you will do together after he has finished nursery for the day. Our 2 year old is struggling with separation anxiety at the moment and I find this has helped us a little, will be starting preschool in September (I'm dreading it) so I plan to carry her to parent/toddler group for a while too to get used to different settings/children. It takes time but it will be worth it once they are settled in

OP, the only thing that worked for us was my DH dropping him off. DS was less stressed about being left by DH and the staff seemed to make more of an effort engage with DS so that DH could leave, (because of course Dads have lots more important stuff to do).

OP do they do breakfast at your nursery? Thinking back to dd's settling in days it was always the lure of breakfast that got her trotting off to investigate when she was having a clingy day, but my dd is a greedy little thing! Or I echo the possibility that he's come down with something. I normally find this to be the answer when dd is being a grotbag.

I had exactly the same thing with my dd. She started about the same age as your DS.

We had started with 2 mornings like you but I cut it down to 1 2 hour session and built that up to 3 hours. Dd doesn't need to go but I know it's good for her. She was upset, got wobbly with her sleep for about 6 weeks ish. Then suddenly something clicked, she happily waved me off one morning and we've never looked back.

She now asks to go and tells me she loves nursery. We've had a couple of setbacks recently (lost our dd2 at 22 weeks and moved) so DH and I haven't been around as much. However, once things settle down a bit I'm putting her in for another morning.

It's taken a whole but we've gone slowly making sure she's as happy as possible at each stage. I'm glad we've done it that way.

Saying that we had the luxury of time as she doesn't have to go, my DM has her while I work so it's a bit trickier if you're working.

no sleep Thursday night, as he is full of cold. So he didn't go to nursery on Friday.

I was anticipating illness once he started nursery, though it is most unwelcome as our nights are bad enough already and it disrupts his medical treatment.....

Oh well...just have to be prepared and carry on.

Why are you doing this? Work? Just need a break?

If you think you are doing this for him just stop.

Try again in a few months and also look at other nurseries.