Is this an appropriate expectation of how a 3 year old should be behaving?

[workatemylife]

DS, 3, goes to nursery, and he seems very happy there. At the end of each day I'm told that he has been involved in a lot of activities, games, songtime, storytime etc. He never really has tantrums or meltdowns, and he isn't physically or verbally aggressive. But the nursery seems worried that he is too passive. They say he needs to be actively choosing his own activities and getting other children involved in them, rather than just joining in. On the positive side, if he is totally focused on playing with a toy or game and another child joins in, he doesn't get possessive or push them away.

The nursery thinks there are worrying signs here of an unwillingness to direct himself and others, and have suggested that he needs a professional assessment and support to become more socially assertive. I'm not sure if this is unrealistic expectations on the part of staff, or me, but at the moment I would feel a bit daft taking a happy and contented child to see the GP or HV with this story. Would you be worried - maybe I need to be, but surely not every child is as much of a leader or organiser as some others?

???? From what you have said I would not be worried about your child. Maybe the nursery if they are expecting this. As a parent I would not be contacting the GP or health visitor. If they have genuine concerns, they can pursue seeking assessments (which takes time and there are waiting lists) and they will ask your consent. Tbh I would consent to these if their concerns are recognised by other professionals.

Oh and ask 'How they are encouraging him to do this?'. If they recognise a 'need' they must seek to meet it.

That sounds completely bonkers to me. No way would I bother an overworked GP with this. I would ask them to be more specific about their concerns (e.g. why is being passive 'bad', how will it damage him?) If they are concerned I imagine there are things they can do to encourage him, then you can revisit in 6 months perhaps.

As you say, not everyone is a leader, and he's only 3 for god's sake.

If the nursery really don't seem to be assessing him correctly I would also consider moving him to a different nursery. I have done this and know others who have. It was amazing the relief I felt. It really does not have to be that big a step at this stage (they move on to school when they are 4/5 anyway). My Dc settled fine as did the other woman's I know who changed nurseries. What it means is that you get a second opinion, with no bias.

Thank you for the reassurance. I think the first step probably is to ask why being cooperative rather than bossy is a problem and how they intend to provide support. They need to give some concrete examples and justify to me why these matter. Maybe I need to understand better but I think I'm willing to refuse to rush into anything.

How old are the other children in the room and how long has he left until school? I'd expect 'leading' activities to develop over time and the older/bigger children to assume that role more than the younger ones. I also think it depends on how confident the child is in the setting which may depend on how much the child is there.

Our nursery staff comment on how confident DD is at nursery, but they also tend to say that she is there for more time than others and us one of the oldest. I worry that she is bossy and domineering.

Erm no - i think its very normal for a three year old to still be engaging in parallel play and leading activities is something some people never feel comfortable with, and thats perfectly normal too. Do you get the feeling that there is something the nursery isnt telling you? - a bigger issue that they are trying to broach 'tactfully' or is it just an odd nursery? I work with early years children and ime generally those who are assessed by Ed Psych are showing extreme anxiety or other behavioral concerns not at all like those you are describing.

Are they suggesting he's still playing alongside others, rather than with them? Still seems normal to me though.

He sounds totally fine to me. Why should a 3 year old go into nursery in the mornings and boss other kids about. My 3 year old isn't even interested in other children other than her siblings. She plays her siblings all the time but just doesn't seem to care what other children are doing. She's 3. My DD1 was the same. Directs play when she wants too now. She's 5.

Really useful thank you. I suppose their opening gambit might be a tactful way of opening a discussion about other issues so well worth starting a dialogue and seeing what comes of it.

I think he plays alongside and with the others but joins in rather than starting a game. There are a few older kids in the room and having been at birthday parties some of them are quite 'dominant'.But a clearer sense of what is the problem, why it is a problem, and what we gain from taking action is needed I think.

I don't know any two children who are the same in all ways - which is why I have the friends that I do from school, college and work. Clearly I am also a wimp who seeks out common ground rather than trying to be someone else

If the nursery have concerns, they can get someone in to observe him.
You wouldn't have to go to the gp of hv.
Let them observe him, see what they come up with. I'm sure he is fine. His 3!

if he is totally focused on playing with a toy or game and another child joins in, he doesn't get possessive or push them away If by "another child joins in" they mean 'pushes him out the way and takes over while your son acts like a doormat' I would have a little concern. Otherwise I don't see much of an issue.

If they're hoping for a nursery full of 'leaders' they'll regret it if they ever get it.

Dd1 used to play on her own and walk away from confrontation. At 6 she is still really happy in her own company but is also happy for another child to join in, she just doesn't seem them out. I'm not concerned as it's her character. She's not the same as many dc in her class bit she doesn't have to be imo. Dtds however are completely opposite and demand other dc play with them. If he's happy and hitting milestones then there is no issue. However, nursery flagging it up may be useful as you can keep an eye on it. Dd1 used to find many of the dc at nursery annoying as they'd be having tantrums etc (like my dtds) but dd1 has only ever had 2 tantrums/strops so busy didn't understand what the other dc were doing. She's very patient likeep her df.