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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Do you think it is possible for a child to not be ready for nursery age 3.5?

18 replies

FrannyandZooey · 29/09/2006 11:50

If you think all children are ready / must go aged 3 or 3 and a half, what would your strategy be with a child who was extremely distressed by being at nursery, not just the first few times, but long term?

If you have know of any situations like this, what happened? If the parents pressed on regardless did it eventually get better? If they took the child out, did they adapt ok to nursery / school at a later date?

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Original poster

FrannyandZooey · 29/09/2006 12:10

Any thoughts please?

OP posts:

IdrisTheDragon · 29/09/2006 12:12

I don't think all children are ready aged 3.5. I don't know of any situations like this but I don't feel there is a necessity for children to go to nursery at all really.

Iklboo · 29/09/2006 12:14

I didn't go to nursery at all. I stayed at home being looked after by my nan until I was 5. I was fine at school.
I don't think it's vital that children go to nursery, but they do learn socialising skills & some curriculum stuff (I think?).

Piffle · 29/09/2006 12:15

instinct based IMO trust your instincts but yes it is perfectly possible
My ds loathed it but I had no choice as I HAD to work. By about age 4 anda bit he was a lot better and thrived.
My dd 4 (next month) on the other hand adores the social aspect as much as anything. She has been going 1 session from 2.5 2 from 3 and 3 from 3.5 to current.

Twiglett · 29/09/2006 12:17

Yes I think 3.5 can be too early for some children

and I think if you have the opportunity just delay it a few months

mine can't wait to go .. 2.5 year old DD trotts in to school nursery (she's not allowed to go but they make special allowance when I'm working up at school) with nary a backwards glance and adores it there

I think I just must be someone they want to get away fron

BarefootJasnem · 29/09/2006 12:18

My friends dd at 3 tried nursery and was so unhappy that she took her out. When she tried a different nursery 6 months later she was fine (now at school, with no problems. Both nurseries were "good" but the first was larger and didn't suit that childs personality at the time.

I would definitely take my child out if they were that unhappy. I do know a few children who didn't go to nursery at all and are ok at school.

bubblepop · 29/09/2006 12:19

hiya. i removed my eldest from his nursery aged 3 after about 4 sessions. he had been to another nursery before and had been fine (whilst i worked). i know now in hindsight i had'nt given it a good chance, but i reacted on instinct really, my gut feeling.he just seemed so upset when i left(yes i know they all do this!) i think what made me decide was because i went back one day and peeped through the window,my little luv stood there crying and staff had'nt even noticed, too busy chatting amongst themselves..anyway, removed him and found another nursery and he settled after 2 sessions. sorry this is'nt much help to you, but i guess what im trying to say is, see if you can get to the bottom of it of whats upsetting your child so much.

Twiglett · 29/09/2006 12:19

the other thing is what do you term long term

many children shriek and cry for a good few minutes and then calm down immediately their parents leave

some children are fine going in for the first few weeks then suddenly realise its permanent and then start crying

I think normal expectation would be for a child to be unsettled for 2 - 3 weeks on drop-off for up to 5 mins then be fine

I think parents who aren't sure this is right for their children shouldn't force it tbh ... because the children are lead by the parents behaviour and if you are worried they aren't ready they won't be .. also only you, as the parent, can judge if they ARE ready

Original poster

FrannyandZooey · 29/09/2006 12:20

My friend feared her dd was not ready for nursery and it has not been going well at all. She is worried that if she abandons it she will have to face the task all over again when her dd is older, or going to school.

My own instinct would be to keep her out of nursery (and school!) until she is ready but I am aware I have quite strong views on this so thought it would be good to see what other people's experiences and opinions are before advising her.

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southeastastra · 29/09/2006 12:22

my son was pretty distressed about starting the school nursey at only just 3. the first few weeks were bad as he wouldn't let me leave and i had to walk away. but i would say in the long term it was quite good for him

Original poster

FrannyandZooey · 29/09/2006 12:23

Long term is several weeks, with no improvement really, or maybe a slight improvement and then it has got much much worse again. Even the nursery are having second thoughts about it.

It seems sometimes that the general expectation is that you have to force them to get used to it, however bad it is. I am reassured by the posts on here that not everyone thinks that way.

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nurseryvoice · 29/09/2006 18:06

i know a little boy whos parents insisted their child went to state nursery school at just 3

he hated it and screamed every day for months not weeks still they insisted,
they didnt have to take him as someone else from their family did.
i felt so sorry for this little boy.
eventually a new boy started who knew him so he eventually stopped crying but he never enjoyed it

he still remembers with disgust and hatred at age 7 the nursery school where the ladies were always shouting.
he started school with no problems and loves it.
so basically what i am saying is if they are not ready then dont force them to go.
you should know after a few weeks.

even if the child got in 1 x term before school i personally think this is sufficient
providing the parent does activities with the child and socialises them.

Mellowma · 29/09/2006 18:27

Message withdrawn

Original poster

FrannyandZooey · 29/09/2006 18:52

My friend has decided to press on, but luckily the nursery have been extremely flexible and say that she can attend every session with her dd for as long as she needs to. I personally wish she would give up for now and save herself the hassle, but it is her choice.

I also feel bad because she has been saying all year that her dd will not be able to settle in to nursery and we have been saying "don't worry she'll be fine". I did encourage her to keep her at home if she was worried but thought that things would be ok when her dd started. I wish I had listened properly to her fears and not just tried to reassure her all the time.

OP posts:

curlew · 29/09/2006 19:05

My dd wasn't. She wasn't ready for school at nearly 5 either. It took her two terms to nearly settle at school - she cried every day. Ds on the other hand was ready for nursery at 2, and thought I was very odd when I said that he had to come home at lunchtime on his first day of school. All childern are different - it's society that tries to make them fit in convenient boxes.

rabbitrabbit · 29/09/2006 19:16

All children are different and I completely agree with curlew's comment about society trying to create a one size fits all child.

My ds started going to a nursery for 2hrs a few times a week this month (he's 3) and I have stayed with him, in the background, as IMHO I would not have liked being left with total strangers and been expected to cope at that tender age. He now loves it there and wants nothing more to do with me as soon as we get to their gates.
He is due to start state nursery, at a very good local school, in January 07 when he'll be 3.9 and I'm still unsure if that is too early. I've decided to wait and see and if I don't think it's the right thing to do then we'll just delay it for a little longer.

It's so hard isn't it. I never imagined I'd be in a state of such terror at the thought of a little nursery school!

Mercy · 29/09/2006 19:19

Agree that for some little children 3.5 is too young and to trust your own instincts.

At dd's nursery school there was a minimum 3 week settling in period and quite a few took a lot longer than that.

dd was more than ready for playfroup and then nursery, I know that ds probably won't be. But I have still applied for a place for him, just in case - it's still a year away!

ThePrisoner · 29/09/2006 20:01

A friend had a dd who struggled big time with nursery (became more and more distraught about going, floods of tears, real panic) - she needed to work, she placed child with me (and we didn't previously know each other), and she happily came here full-time until she started school! She just didn't like the nursery environment.

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