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Original poster

How long should I give it?

26 replies

hollyj · 22/09/2006 15:53

Myy 11 month old dd started nursery (3 mornings a week) last week. Although the nursery had no settling in policy, we stayed with her most of the first day, a bit less the next day etc. She cries when we leave (which we expected) but she is also sobbing when we pick her up, those big gulpy sobs which mean she's been crying for ages. the staff there seem to think we're being ridiculous for not just dropping her off straight away and this morning basically told me to just go at 9.15 which I did and she was sobbing her little heart out and reaching out to me.
I can't take much more of this, I spend most of my time crying as well, and just feel that she's not ready and we should take her out. We agreed on a 2 week trial period (I never really wanted her to go in the first place but dp persuaded me) - is this long enough? I feel like I can't take another day of it, especially when she is such a happy sociable baby usually.
Does anyone else have any experiences like this? Should I leave it a bit longer or take her out now?
Thank you

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pamina3 · 22/09/2006 15:56

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liquidclocks · 22/09/2006 16:03

Holly, I would echo Pamina's post, do you need to send her? If not, is she interacting with other children her age elsewhere? I think if you make sure that at least a few mornings/afternoons a week you're getting out and she's having the opportunity to learn to be around other children than there's no need for nursery unless you're at work. The time for getting them to learn to be without you can come later (2-3yrs) imo.

Original poster
hollyj · 22/09/2006 16:03

Hi Pamina3,

Well, she doesn't HAVE to go to nursery as both dp and I are students and are therefore very flexible. But I am funded to be full-time and I am only working part-time hours so i will fall behind (I'm doing a PhD) if I carry on like this. I would like to give her another 6 months when she hopefully won't have such bad separation anxiety but dp feels like we need to finish on time so we can start earning properly and I see his point.

So I feel like I'm being selfish sending her, but I feel like I'm being very non-sensible if I don't..

No family nearby unfortuntely so it's paid childcare or nothing

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 22/09/2006 16:12

Holly - if that's the case I totally understand, you do need time to finish your PhD, I've been working on a masters this year and with DS around it's been hard though thankfully he is happy to spend time with his Godmother occasionally and is happy at nursery so has had some extra days.

I would suggest the nursery staff are being a bit harsh and your DD may need a little longer to settle in. However, if their attitude continued like this and DD didn't seem any happier I'd consider looking at a diferent nursery. I've tried 3 and DS is definitely much happier at the most recent one and the 'vibe' is totally different. Shop around, you'll find somewhere that's right for all of you.

liquidclocks · 22/09/2006 16:14

(sorry, didn't explain fully, DS has been at nursery normally 2 days a week while I work, he started when he was 9 months and it took a few weeks for him to settle in and not cry when we left)

Original poster
hollyj · 22/09/2006 16:32

Thanks lc,

It's hard to know if I'm turning against the nursey staff because I'm finding this whole thing so upsetting, or if they really are a bit harsh. She hasn't been allocated a key worker which I've read all decent nurseries do.

It's hard to think about leaving her somewhere else when I've put her through all this trauma just to start all over again but I suppose if she's happier in the;omg run then it's worth it.

I've been telling all my young colleagues this afternoon not to have any children as it's far too traumatic!!

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 22/09/2006 16:35

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HappyMumof2 · 22/09/2006 16:35

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nurseryvoice · 22/09/2006 16:36

it usually takes around 3 weeks for a child to settle (in my experience)
could you do shorter sessions for 1st couple weeks eg 2 hour sessions?

after about a month you should know whether this is the right nursery for you/your child.

really feel for you. good luck with what you decide to do.

Rookiemum · 22/09/2006 16:39

This doesn't sound right to me. When we were going to send DS to the nursery ( we decided on CM in the end) they said that he should do a few weeks of short trial sessions, first with me and then on his own.

pamina3 · 22/09/2006 16:40

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Mellowma · 22/09/2006 16:44

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Original poster
hollyj · 22/09/2006 16:48

We did look for a childminder, hm (wish I was a happy mum!) but couldn't find one we really liked. I think I had quite unrealistic expectations if I'm honest - I suppose you want whoever is looking after you child to love them as much as you do and think they're amazing but obviously this isn't going to happen.

I hate that they think of her as a 'difficult' baby when I know how lovely and happy and fun-loving she is.

But I'll give it another week or two max and hopefully she will start to settle, poor little angel

OP posts:
Mellowma · 22/09/2006 16:55

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ange8179 · 22/09/2006 18:30

Hi there,

Just wanted to say that my daughter has gone through a similar experience recently (she's 8 mths). After two weeks of trying, there was no way I could leave her again and the nursery manager also said my dd was getting too distressed. We have therefore agreed to postpone her place until she is older. My hubby and I not provide the childcare between us, which involves him working evenings and a weekend day. However, this is better for us than dd crying so badly.

Angela

chlochlo · 22/09/2006 21:32

Hi, I work in a day nursery and we offer all parents free trial sessions when they can spend time with the child at nursery getting to know the staff and routine. Its up to parents to decide how long they want to stay with child or go and have a coffee in the office so they are not far away.
I always tell parents its not unusual for a child to cry when they are left but if they were still crying when they are picked up then i would be concerned.
Think the staff need to reasure you and make you feel comfortable about leaving her.
Also it will get better

Original poster
hollyj · 25/09/2006 08:56

Thanks everyone. The more I read your messages, the more I think that it's just not a very good nursery. I don't suppose anyone can recommend a good nursery in Durham?

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 25/09/2006 10:54

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Original poster
hollyj · 25/09/2006 11:59

Yes, her dad took her as I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it together. I told him to ring if everything was fine and he hasn't so I'm assuming it wasn't . I thought if he didn't tell me I would be able to concentrate on getting some work done but instead here I am writing on mn!

We decided to give it this week and if there doesn't seem to be any improvement we will take her out and try a different nursey/childminder in 6 months. At least we both agree now, before it was a bit of a battle of wills, I can't wait to have her back home - or for her to start enjoying nursery

OP posts:
SANA · 25/09/2006 15:08

My heart goes out to you, my DS started nursery when he was 11mths & he hated it & so did i. I was going back to work & if there had been any other option I would have taken him out. I hated leaving him there crying ....& was convinced he was crying all morning so i sat at the reception of the nursery for over 2 weeks ( 2 hrs a day) & watched him from a small window & he was fine. It took him nearly 2 months to settle in but i think having a key worker really helped as he became attached to her. Ask that your DD has a keyworker, spend some time if poss at the nursery watching her, shorten the time she spends there until she is more settled........she will settle in eventualy

lupo · 25/09/2006 22:56

Hi

I wasn't going to post on this thread and I understand that everyones circumstances are different, but if there is any way you can avoid nursery until your child is older than it is much better.

I have a two year old and work one day a week in a very nice nursery but still wouldn't leave him there yet. He is my son and wants his mum to be there, nursery staff will hopefully do their best but they can't look after your child as well as you do.

I would happily work in the evenings and at weekends, even as a cleaner if i had to (have a degree in journalism and used to edit magazines) I know i would do whatever it takes to bring my son up myself. I just couldn't wholly trust anyone but family to look after him til he is at pre-school age.

I think that babies are too young to be left in the care of what are essentially people you don't know and who don't know your babies.They will never be looked after like you would look after them, you wouldnt leave your house, car or money in the possession of strangers so why leave your baby, which to me is the most precious thing in the world.

Don't mean to start an argument, but babies need their mums and I speak from a mothers view and from the view of someone who sees what a day is like from inside the nursery walls.

Please avoid it if you can and bring them up yourselves

Original poster
hollyj · 26/09/2006 15:59

Hmm lupo, I think you might indeed start a fight... but i think in many ways I agree with you and that's why I am so unhappy about this whole situation. As I said to my dp, you would never do anything else to your child that would cause them such immense distress (e.g whack them around the head, deny them food etc), so why do this?

At the same time, many people have no choice, and even those that do (i.e. me!) I would not judge, and I would think that the vast majority of babies and children do just fine or better in daycare.

But as a parent, I agree that I don't feel 'right' about leaving my dd with anyone except her dad and grandparents, I suppose because I know they love her as much (or nearly as much?) as I do, and of course because she loves them too.

OP posts:
lillabean · 26/09/2006 23:57

sorry, but i just can't stand preachy SAHMs who slam women for doing dastardly things like (gasp) trying to get an education.

what rubbish!

we have an occasional sitter who loves my daughter as much as I do (yes, she does.) And who I blush to say probably does a better job with her. There are good nurseries, and bad ones and great childminders and awful nannies.. but there ARE good options for childcare out there, it just takes a lot of hard work to suss it out.

babies do need their mums, but it's not like you are going to be working 14 hour shifts away from your child. It's great if some folks want to stay at home and be a cleaner at nights to care for your child. But it's not better or worse than trying to get a Phd,.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!
sorry, I'm just too steaming to be coherent right now... soooo irritiated!!!!!!!!

Original poster
hollyj · 27/09/2006 10:29

Hi lillabean,

Not sure if I'm the preachy SAHM or lupo (or both?) but I'm sorry if I sounded preachy. Obviously I am in no position to preach as I am the one leaving my dd in daycare and feeling terrible about it..

I completely agree that it's revolting that working mothers are made to feel bad for doing exactly what the vast majority of fathers do without an ounce of guilt (quite rightly). All I meant was that I personally feel terrible about my dd's situation, and hate leaving her. That's not to say it doesn't work for loads of mothers and children out there.

On a positive note, dd only cried for a minute this morning when dp dropped her off and had stopped before he left so fingers crossed, things are improving. Still feel terrible, but they do say being a parent is a lifetime of guilt...

OP posts:
badkarma · 27/09/2006 10:39

She meant Lupo.

Bully for you Lupo if you can do that! Most of us can't.

HollyJ. I am a student too, my dd goes to school then an after schools club. My ds has a wonderful childminder, who believe it or not, does actually love him as much as I do!!!! She has 2 other boys she looks after and DS loves it there!

Would you consider looking again for a childminder if you are really unhappy with the nursery?