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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

leaving children at nursery - how to handle the parting moment

13 replies

amateurmum · 15/08/2006 21:14

I am taking my dd (aged 2 last week) to nursery for her first settling in visit tomorrow. This might seem trivial but I can't decide whether to say goodbye and let her know I am going or to slip away while she is absorbed in something. My older children both had problems settling and I am dreading a repeat of this. She has been going to a childminder twice a week so is used to being without me, but she has known her childminder since birth and is very settled there (unfortunately childminder going back to 'proper work' so no chance of leaving her there!) I would welcome advice.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ja9 · 15/08/2006 21:28

i have an almost 2yo at nursery.

I would explain to her that she is going to play with lots of new boys and girls and that there will be lots of toys, and there will be lovely dolls, and cars and puzzles and colouring in (rhyme off all the things she loves to play with).And that she'll have a lovely time. And that she'll say 'bye bye mummy' and give mummy a kiss. And then play with all the nice toys and have some luch etc etc and then mummy will come and get her.

I would repeat this over and over before you take her and all the way there to prepare her.

Then i'd say bye bye and kiss (regardless of her reaction) and leave.

It really helps if the nursery staff take her and begin to distract her with toys or stories or looking out the window whatever.

Original poster

amateurmum · 15/08/2006 23:07

Thank you. Will try this clearly sensible approach and hope for the best.

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Medulla · 15/08/2006 23:08

Definately tell her you are going but make it quick and make it very clear you will be coming back. Good luck

Astrophe · 15/08/2006 23:13

my 2yo has just started too, and she is no happy about being left, but I would never slip away as I think this would make it worse for her and might frighten her. we have borrowed some library books about nursery and reading these a lot. she also takes her favourite toy frog with her, and we talk a lot about "mummy comes back after lunch" so she has some idea of whn i will return. I am planning on making a book cALLED "DD goes to nursery" and putting photos of her in it, so she can look at it during the week (she only goes one morning a week)
hth as I know how hard it is to leave a sad child.

saadia · 15/08/2006 23:21

I wouldn't leave her without saying goodbye. With ds1 I found the best thing was to say bye-bye, I'm going shopping to (name shop) and will be back in a little while. He cried for a few mins the first few times but was OK after that. But you yourself do have to seem very light-hearted and unworried otherwise she will pick up on your anxieties.

snowlenin · 15/08/2006 23:37

Like the others I think you must say goodbye and say you'll be back later. My DS often cries when I drop him off, even though he soon cheers up and generally seems to love nursery. Even though he's only 14mo and may not fully understand, I say 'I know you don't want me to go but it will be OK and you'll have a nice time, and I'll be back later" or words to that effect. I think it's important to recognise his feelings and listen to him IYSWIM - if I sneaked away, he might not cry there and then but it could be more scary for him.

Original poster

amateurmum · 16/08/2006 08:22

Am getting her ready now and doing lots of talking about it - saadia am telling her I am going to Sainsburys as this is something she will understand - thank - you.

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mummydear · 16/08/2006 08:34

Say goodbye and go immedaitely do not hang around if she gets upset, its just prolongs the 'agony'. It may take a few weeks but she will be fine.

Better to get it over and done with now then when she starts school .

Let us know how she gets on today.

Neena28 · 16/08/2006 08:38

If you haven't gone already please just give her a kiss and then go. Don't loiter once you have said you will go either. There is a boy in my ds's class that we have known for about 5 years now whos mum will say bye and give him a kiss then she comes back and hugs him then he crys so she takes him back outside to 'calm' him down. He gets beside himself and nothing that the nursery or school have ever tried to tell her she has paid any attention to. The little boy gets so upset now all the other mothers want to shake her to make her realise that she created this situation. She is very honest though about the fact she is bored at home and would prefer to have him there...she refuses to work though so will remain bored, i think.

Sorry for the rant but all our hearts break for this boy and it really is my pet hate. Just prepare your little one, kiss her then leave and continue to do this regardless of hr reaction so she learns te rountne and can settle. Hope it goes well.

Highlander · 16/08/2006 10:35

Nursery actually told me just to slink off, but I prefer to hand him over with a huge kiss and a proper bye-bye. Fortunately he always seems to get his favourite carer.

I always forget to say I'll be back though

ja9 · 16/08/2006 19:34

well how did it go today amateurmum?

Original poster

amateurmum · 17/08/2006 07:44

She went in fine yesterday I kissed her and said goodbye and she disappeared to have toast. Have to say staff were v good at purposefully whisking her through door and into activity. When I picked her up lots of tears though on seeing me so maybe next time it will be harder? However will pervsevere with tactics you advised - many thanks - I can't believe I've got to child no 3 without thinking about this rationally instead of just panicking. Thanks ja9 for asking how it went - I would have posted yesterday but ds2 still not asleep at 11.30 due to upset stomach!

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ayla99 · 17/08/2006 09:58

I would suggest always to say goodbye, kiss/cuddle and promise to return or say who will be collecting that day. Then walk away & leave it to your carer to deal with any upset. Don't go back otherwise you are teaching them that they have control & can keep you there. Your carer should be happy for you to phone to check they've settled okay.

If you sneak out when they are not looking they may become very reluctant to let you out of sight again!

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