Unpleasant 3 yr old at DD's Nursery/Pre-school ..what to do ?

[mojomummy]

My Dd quite likes playing with this little girl ('A') who is a month or so older.

Unfortunately this little girl appears to be a little disturbed (for want of a better word). DH drops DD off & collects her & says he frequesntly see's the girl flinging herself around the place.

When they sit down for their milk, she spits it out ( surprise surprise DD has picked up the spitting - but a serious talking to seems to have (almost) stopped this)

Last week DD came over with bruised arm that 'A' had pinched & dug her nails in..the skin was broken & purple.

Last night she came home & was very upset - turned out that 'A' had something to do with DD biting her tongue (it looked very red last night & she kept crying because it was stinging, so I was hunting around for the calpol)

For the last couple of weeks (DD attends 3 days a week) DD has come home with some sort of 'A' induced problem.

We have told the nurery we are uphappy & they have advised us they keep an eye on her, give her time out, are/have brought in the parents.

I am thinking of making an official complaint as I am concern what may happen next..

Any thoughts ? I don't want to take DD out/change nursery/preschool because I am 35 weeks pregnant & we are hoping to move in the next few months (just gone on the market) & I don't want too many unnecessary changes......but I don't want to be up at this time worrying either !

bump

They've initiated some steps so I suppose there is no point in complaining in writing now really. You'll just have to keep an eye on it and see if things improve. TBH I would probably look around for a different nursery being me.

I've been on the other side in this sort of thing - my DS1 was a demon biter at nursery. I knew perfectly well how upsetting it was for other parents because he also frequently bit my DS2, who was one at the time.

Basically, it is the nursery's responsibility to assign someone to be this little girl's key-worker who will give her one-to-one attention if need be to try and stop her pinching etc (not always 100% achievable, but they ought to try) whilst continuing to try and integrate her with other children and facilitating her to play successfully with them.

Time outs on their own may not work. The nursery which DS1 was attending was brilliant at putting him in time out, alright. Trouble was that at the end of time out, they just left him to mooch round the room again on his own, and didn't make any attempt to integrate him. Result - after a while he would try and approach a group of other children, get upset if they rejected him, bite someone again, and the whole thing would be repeated.

I do understand how upsetting this is for you and your dd, but please try and not give up on A just yet. If dd still likes playing with A, how about inviting A and a parent/carer round for a play session at your house?

At this age mojomummy, as dinosaure says, there are all sorts of reasons why children use physical force to express feelings - usually because they haven't got the verbal skills or emotional intelligence to do anything else.
I hate it when dd is rough-housed by other children at nursery, and indeed when we have occasional reports that she has shoved or been unpleasant to another child. So huge sympathies to your dd.
Agree with dino that the nursery are responsible here for managing the child's behaviour and you could keep pressing them for more details of their plans for this little girl. It was other parents expressing concern about a little boy in dd's room that got him the one-to-one support he needed to feel safe and happy in a group setting, so complaining, if done right, can support a family with a challenging child. He is noticeably happier now, and so are other children around him.
One other thing I would say - my dd is a champion snitch and quite capable of saying "X push me, Y take my dolly" without that being the truth of the matter.
It is obvious from the marks on your dd that she is not making up a lot of these encounters but there is the possibility that your dd is embellishing her day at nursery because she has already seen that saying something about A's behaviour gets your immediate attention...?

interesting point about the attention - I will take extra notice, on my response, if she tells me anything tonight. TBH, it's only natural to comfort her when she is upset - like last night & with the arm. I think on reflection, she told me 'A' had hit her arm & made cry, I didn't make a big fuss, just asked if she was ok & that if it happens again to tell one of the girls.

it was DD's birthday at the weekend & I did invite her. She wasn't able to come & after all these goings on, I was quite glad as DD had a nice time playing with her other friends. Maybe I'll try that again........

Just waiting for the nursery to call back & update me as she is causing problems with the other too.

Marina interesting about the frustration -i suggested this to my DH because this little girls mummy is French, so she is spoken to at home in French & then replies in English -do you think this might be part of it ?

Definitely. Young children learn languages with great ease but at three she may well be struggling currently...
It is a strange sort of comfort to know that the issues are not personal to your child, but indicative of another child needing some additional intervention. Shame she could not make the party but I so know what you mean about that inner sigh of relief...