Worried about a carer in my DC's nursery

[Cucumberscarecrow]

My DS is almost 3 and will move to the pre-school room then. One of the careers in that room grabbed my son's arm and shouted at him yesterday because he was running on the stairs instead of walking slowly. The stairs lead to the garden so my DS was probably excited. I wouldn't mind a reasonable admonishment but this sounds excessive. My DS is very gentle and possibly a bit over-sensitive but he is very honest and gave lots of little ancillary details that backed up his story. There are no marks on his arm and he doesn't seem very upset but said he was frightened and upset at the time. No other adult saw the incident take place.

As the only man in a very female environment, the carer in question seems well-liked by his colleagues, including the manager of the nursery. I am due to return to work in a few months and my baby has a place booked at the nursery and there are no other nice nurseries in the area.

I am worried that raising this with the nursery will make life very difficult for both my children when they start in the pre-school room. Obviously, I have to raise it but am sick with worry about the consequences .

Your DS is not yet three but could give lots of little ancilliary details and say he was frightend and upset by being shouted at because of running down the stairs? Blimey, he must be a genius.

He probably ran down the stairs. A carer prboably caught him fearing he would fall and firmly told him not to run.

Go and talk to them about it. Say 'Is DS running down the stairs here? Oh dear, how shall we both let him know that is not safe?'

Have you asked the carer in question about it?

My son is not a genius but loves to chat and listen. He told me he was crying yesterday at nursery and that he had been running on the stairs. I asked him for details and he gave them. Nothing unusual or genius-like there.

Snazzy, my DS only told me this evening. For some reason, I didn't think of speaking with the carer himself. I only thought of escalating and I suppose that's not very fair. I guess I should speak with him on Monday and hear his side of things. I'm not crazy about the carer myself and feel a bit intimidated by him. I might chicken out and get my DH on the case instead.

If this is the only "incident" I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

It's not totally ideal perhaps but tbh I wouldn't have a problem with a child being grabbed if they were in danger, likewise raised voice being used. This would apply to nursery as well as to anyone else looking after my DC.

i think you need to be very careful here. Children of this age can get things mixed up/confused. How do you know no other adult witnessed it? how could a nearly 3 year old know that?

if you feel the need to bring it up, then say to the carer in question that your ds was a bit upset and could he tell you what had happened. you don't have to say it in an accusing way, and i certainly wouldn't be running to the nursery or thinking of taking your ds out/not enrolling your dd - that is a massive overreaction until you know exactly what happened. i don't think you can go on the word of a nearly 3 year old..

a nearly 3 year old running on stairs is not safe - would you rather the carer stood by and watched your ds fall down the stairs rather than grab him by the arm to prevent an accident? and a raised voice? what does that mean? he could just have a deep, male voice, which in a female environment your ds took as shouting - just be careful and try not to get too wound up, it sounds like nothing to me.

Thanks for the perspective Vinegar. I am a panicker and pessimist!

My son is not in that carer's room yet so this is the only incident although I have a friend who took her kid out of the nursery because her DD was afraid of this carer so my opinion is probably tainted with this knowledge.

oh it's difficult when you have to leave your little ones in the care of others. When a little ones run on the stairs I would and do stop them and make sure they know it's not safe. Do you have any other concerns?

When I was in primary school I remember that one of the teachers was a very tall man, the only male teacher there at the time, and in the first couple of years I was actually quite scared of him. When I moved into his class I found out that he was a wonderful teacher, really inspirational, but as a very young child (5-6) I had found him physically quite daunting, especially in comparison with the other female teachers. That may be the kind of thing happening here.

I would mention it to the carer, or if you'd rather get your DH to - because a good carer will be straightforward about the fact they told your child off. It happens and my DS's carers always tell me straight. See how you feel after that. If you are still concerned afterwards you can always speak to the manager. Feeling intimidated by the carer isn't great but is that based on past experiences you've had with him or just what you have heard from others?

I also agree that a loud voice and/or grab might be necessary in a situation like that to prevent a fall. I'm sure I have done it when my DS has been a bit giddy and was about to jump into the road or similar.

Thanks Snazzy, that is really reassuring. I have no issues with someone disciplining my DS and think discipline is an important part of his care but I have never heard him complain about being told off before nor say that someone there had made him frightened and sad. As you and Reet rightly point out, this could be to do with his physical presence.

Yes, DebDuck, it is really hard leaving your kids with someone else. I was fine with it when I just had one DC but, for some reason, I feel very torn and guilty now I have two and would do anything to take a career break for these precious baby years but that's not a real option for me.

The carer may have saved your child's life on those stairs. You should take him some chocolates.

have to say i agree with TiggyD again....

cucumberscarecrow; it really is guilt and you have nothing to feel guilty about. All the years are precious, I have a 21 year old and feel I'm missing out on her pregnancy because I'm working. It never leaves you! Be aware of it and try not to project your insecurities onto the staff. Totally normal tho, dont beat yourself up lass XX