Settling in at Nursery

[Sai]

I am due to start work on Mon and have been trying to settle ds into the nursery for the past week.
It hasn't gone too well and I suspect its due to the fact that the nursery have asked me to bring him in for an hour a day and I have left him only for half an hour yesterday and today.
He was very distressed both times and cried constantly. He was sobbing his little heart out when I returned.
I am very reluctant to leave him on Mon and Tue (when I will be working) for the whole day as I'm worried he wont cope well.
Can anyone give me any advice please?
Should I take him on Mon and hope he will be ok (the nursery expect me to)or do I continue to try to settle him in next week by building up the time?
Can anyone advise on a good settling in timetable?
Ds is nearly 12mnths and is going through a very clingy phase.
Please help!
TIA

Hi Sai,

have only just seen this post, sorry.

I used to be a supervisor in a day nursery baby room so I have been on the other end of this dilema!

I think you are probably right when you say you think only leaving him for half an hour might be part of the problem. In my experience, an hour was ok for the initial visit but several longer visits were often needed in the lead up to actually starting. I usually found with more clingy children that it could take up to an hour for them to get past the really tearful on-off crying stage and then they would start to feel more secure and begin to explore. Half an hour is not really long enough for them to start to build up an attatchment to anyone.

I don't know what your work situation is but if at all possible I would suggest an extended settling in process but for longer periods, maybe a couple of hours. Have a chat withn the nursery, You could maybe have an agreement that you will leave him for two hours but if he really is getting hysterical and is not showing signs of calming down they are to call you.

Be prepared for him to cry but it might feel a bit easier if you know that if he really won't calm down they will call you. Another thing is, the more times you leave him, the quicker he will learn that mummy always comes back! He might just suprise you and be playing happily when you come two hours later.

(tip-try to peep in the window without him seeing you first coz he may well cry with overwhelming joy when he sees you again)

Hope this is some help, feel free to ask if you have more questions

Oh dear, I know how hard this is but it will get easier. I had the same problem with DS who started nursery at 12months and he hated it. I extended the settling period to 3weeks and used up part of my holiday to delay going back to work. I started leaving him for 1-2 hours in the first week, 2-3 hours in the 2nd week and by the 3rd week he was doing whole mornings. He still cried tons ( and so did I ) and to be honest its taken him 7 weeks before we can leave him and know he is okay. Like you at the start I just couldnt leave him for the whole day as its so new for them ( and for you) and I knew he was upset on and off whilst he was there so this really was the best way for him.

If you can extend the settling period then do it, do wait outside and check that he has calmed down before you leave ( dont let him c u)

We did the settling thing for few days. Our dd was 9 months - first day I went with her: 30 mins of play. Second day we did 20 mins with me there and 10 mins with her alone. She cried for the whole 10 mins. The next day we did 20 mins with me there and 20 mins on her own - she cried maybe 5 mins. The day after she stayed for 30 mins on her own - I went out to do some shopping. They said she cried 5 mins. And the day after that she stayed for 1 hr on her own - again, cried 5 mins. After that she was there for 4 hrs - then we gradually moved it up to stay the whole day pretty much. She's only cried for 5 mins each time for maybe 3 months. They WILL cry but we soon learnt it's to make us feel guilty :) As soon as we go, she stops. Now she's 2.8 she loves it, and we don't have any trouble - we leave her at 10am and pck her up by 5pm.

Thanks everyone. I was at work yesterday and today and my mum came up and looked after him (I really couldn't bring myself to leave him at the nursery) Unfortunately, she can't do this on a regular basis as she lives too far.
I am planning on taking ds to the nursery for the rest of the week starting with 2 hrs tomorrow and then 3 on thurs and fri.
I hope this will help him to settle.
I'm really not looking forward to it...!

Poor ds was extremely distressed today. I left him for an hour and he was sobbing heavily and shaking when I came back. he clung to me for dear life when I picked him up and it took him a long time to calm down.
I don't think I can put him through that again (or myself!)

Pinkandsparkly - please tell me of your experience with such babies. How long do they cry? Do some babies cry all day initially?
I'm just not too sure what to do next.
I wonder if a childminder might be more suitable for him.

oh, i really feel for you, when I went back to work, it was hard settling DS at his childminder. He was 7 months. Took a long time for him to not cry when we dropped him off - took months.

We found it easier when DH dropped him off and I collected. Could you try that? DS would cry much harder and I would feel really guilty when I dropped him off.

Otherwise simply try to build up the hours and if atall possible do a shorter day if you can to start with. I work part time so at the start I worked 5 short days instead of 3 normal length ones. (But at a nusrery this may be too costly). He will settle. I know how hard that is to believe in that.

We were going to send DS to a nursery, in the end had to send him to a childminder cos of a mix up at the nursery about his place. It worked out well for DS being in a home environment.

As a childminder, I don't know enough about settling babies into nursery. I know that each child will have a keyworker - so does that mean that your baby would be with just her/him if they're crying or upset?

Sai - do you know how they try to settle your baby? Have you looked into whether there is a nice childminder near you (not that I'm biased or anything!)

I've had my fair share of "clingy" babies, but they've always settled in at some point. Some just take longer than others.

Will probably cry for an hour first day and less after that. Took my 18 month old 4-6 weeks to stop crying everytime dropped off. Very distressing for me and her. She is 2 and half now and still cries and says 'stay home mummy, not go work, no nursery' at least once a week. it is tough, but it is life. bit of hardship is what toughens us all up on the road through life

Your child will settle. It can take time, though. Very good suggestion to have a peek through the window before he sees you when you pick up, he'll probably be playing! It often happens that babies/children cry when they see their parent/carer at pick-up time but have been happy in between. It will get easier for both of you! And yes, he should have a keyworker who will make him feel extra secure while he settles in.

Sai - how do you feel about that particular nursery? How do they try to settle him - it's a little odd he cries for the whole hour and shaking when he sees you - maybe they're just not doing enough to settle him. I can imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you...

Hi Sai, sorry, just caught up with this thread.

I have found that the settling in period varied wildly in every child I have ever cared for, whatever age they were. I think the most important factor in how a child settles in a new situation is the personality of the child but other factors are previous experience of being left with someone other than parents and the personality and manner of the child's parents which can have an affect on how the child perceives new situations.

It does sound like your child is particularly upset about being left but without actually being the person caring for him it's hard to guage how to proceed with this. I would suggest arranging to have a chat with the baby room supervisor on a day when your son is not due to attend nursery so that you will be feeling calm, not having just picked him up or knowing that you're going to be leaving him. Ask them how they feel the settling process is going and what methods they use to try to settle him. While you are talking to them, you will be able to assess their approach to the problem and whether you feel thay are really up to scratch. A good nursery should be able to reassure you.

I would also suggest that you review the time that you bring him to nursery, there are some periods of time that are much busier than others, like arrival time, nappy changing time etc.. You might find another time of day suits your son much better too.

In answer to your question, all babies are different so I'm afraid I can't tell you how long this might go on for but in my experince, most babies do eventually settle. Your son is a very fortunate little boy to have a mum who cares so much about his wellbeing and you should be proud of yourself for that!

Ds had his 1st full day today at the nursery and he was fairly settled there. After taking him on wed, thurs and fri last week, I was fairly confident in leaving him there this week.
Obviously, he cried when I left but played hapily for most of the day.
I am so happy that its working out so far!
Thank you all for the advice and for helping me get through a tough time