Wondering if I should take DS out of nursery - please advise

[RadicchioIsTheFinestSalad]

This may be quite long, but DS has attended nursery for 2 days a week for the past year (started when he was 13 months old).

He has never really accepted the drop off and still cries quite a lot at times. Staff tell me he is fine during the day. He has also gone through stages of being tearful upon pick up as well.

For the past 3 weeks or so, he has been quite rejecting when picked up: running off, not acknowledging me, etc. Today he ran and hid in the nursery room, then burst out crying. I had to go and get him, then he hit me and said "no mummy". He has also been strange when DH collected him, running up to hit a little girl and then bursting into tears.

Part of me has accepted his dismay at being left as I was told he was happy in the day, and in the past he has seemed happy and smiley with staff. But this new behaviour has me baffled and a bit worried - he seems really angry about being there.

I am also due to go on maternity leave for DC2 in a month or so, so I will be at home, though I had planned for DS to continue his 2 days a week just so I can have a chance to rest up a little bit before and after the baby arrives (thinking a newborn will be easier than a 2 year old!!)

What do people think? Anyone experienced this? Any thoughts greatfully received!

I've had lots of experience of childminded children not wanting to be collected once they've settled in but this hasn't ever involved tears, just delaying tactics because they wanted to carry on with an activity.

I would have to wonder why, after such a long time, I didn't feel my child had settled in properly. Do you have any other concerns about the nursery? Do you trust the staff? Do you ever turn up early without notice to see what's happening? What do the staff say when they see him behave like this?

As for knowing whether to stop nursery while you are at home, it depends. How long will you be on leave? Would you send him back to the same place? How would you feel about sending him while you're at home? How important is it for you to have a break from looking after him?

If you are going to have a few months off perhaps you should take him out and look for a different setting, maybe a childminder who can take both of your DCs and keep them together?

I think this is one of those times when you need to go with your gut instinct. You'll get lots of people telling you what they did and how it worked out for them but in the end you're the best person to judge what's right for your family.

In my opinion move him, if he isn't happy or settled anyway then moving him isn't going to be any more unsettling. My ds hated nursery, whenever I arrived and it was at different times he was always crying. I put him with a childminder he settled in a week and was a much happier boy. I have friends who use the same nursery and their kids have thrived there. They are all different. If he is outgoing and active could it be too quiet for him not enough going on? Or is he like mine not very confident and it is too loud and scary for him. If you can get any idea what he doesn't like you can look for another setting that doesn't have whatever it is.

I'm a CM and I've also worked in a nursery.
In my experience, some children just don't like nursery-they don't like the noise/amount of children/amount of staff etc-and thats no slur on nurseries;some children just don't get on there.
The nursery I was at was the best in the area-huge waiting list,excellent Ofsted reports etc. We had a little girl start(call her Emma).She cried every day-I was her keyworker so made sure I was there when she arrived-but she would cry on and off all day.She wouldnt play,join in with activities,play on the equipment in the garden-she was just miserable.
I was only a Nursery Assistant so kept my mouth shut for a while and when I did eventually speak to my manager she fobbed me off and just said that Emma was a clingy child.
It got to the point that her mum would cry when she dropped her off-Emma wasnt settling and refused to eat.
Eventually I took the mum to one side one morning-again,both she and Emma were crying.I told her to take Emma home,find a childminder and not to bring her back.It was too distressing for them both-and me!-to continue.So she did-she never returned to the nursery.
4 weeks later I had a bunch of flowers-delivered to the nursery;I never told them what I'd said to Emmas mum that day-with a card just saying 'Thank you-took your advice and she loves it'.It wasnt signed but I knew who it was from and it drove my manager mad trying to find out!!

lisa that is a lovely story. You're right. Nursery is just too much for some children and sometimes it pays to take notice of that and find a quieter environment.

This behaviour maybe something to do with ur pregnancy as children can pick this up

Some children ignore u upon pick up because they are trying to make u feel guilty (weird i know but very true)

Talk to other parents in the nursery, see how there children are getting on and how they feel about the nursery!

I am a big fan of nurseries, both mine went / are going, and it annoys me no end when they get described as "institutions" on those WOHM vs SAHM threads that come round every so often. BUT, the caveat is that both my kids are happiest in a group, and thrive in a bustling environment. And we spent serious time finding the right nurseries.

If DS isn't happy there - and it really sounds like he isn't - it sounds as if you don't really have an option but to take him out. Maybe try another nursery, or a childminder. Good luck, it's tough getting this right

I agree that the child should be taken out of this nursery and go for a CM - every time. I don't want to offen you FSG but I think nurseries are fine for a child over 3 for part of the day. However for children under 3 I don't think they are the best formof day care. I know that you get annoyed at them being called institutions, but that's what they are. Not as in awful orphanages of long ago, but it does mean that all the children eat at the same time, get a drink at the same time, nappy changes at the same time etc etc. The day is divided into chunks and it just might not suit a child.

I think CMs are a far more natural form of day care - children are often taken out to the park and go to school each day to meet older children etc and get more attention. This of course is with a good CM.

The saddest thing I saw in a park this summer were 8 little children about 18 months of age, all on reins and sort of linked together and 2 nursery workers holding the reins.

Liked your story Lisa - there is much evidence that nurseries for children under 3 for too many hours a day can be harmful to their development as children of this age need one to one care if at all possible. There is no consistency of worker in the nursery as children move "upa class" dependent on their age, like they do at school, which is fine for school aged childrn but now for under 5's.

Sadly I have a DGD in nursery and though she seems happy enough, when I pick her up, no end of little ones comes up to me and say things like "my mummy's coming to fetch me" and some of them are crying or looking miserable and staff busy tidying up after lunch etc. She has been in full time nursery care since she was 8 months (her mother's choice - my DIL) and her first christmas when she was 12 months her "class" were dressed up - baby boys in white babygros and scarfes round their neck and baby girls in fairy dresses. They were nearly all crying and falling onto each other as some were under 1 and they only calmed when their mother was able to take them from the make-shift stage. I just thought this was a ridiculous thing to do with babies as they had no idea it was christmas or why they were dressed, but my DIL thought it was lovely!! It demonstrated to me tha the nursery had no idea about child development. And YES there is a reason why I can't care for my DGD, and would do it in a heartbeat if I could.

Not offended, NanaNina, just disagree with the blanket statement about the best childcare for under threes - surely it varies with different children. And the more recent research that I have seen is clear that poor quality childcare (be that at a nursery, childminder or parental) contributes to developmental problems, not nursery per se. But we don't have to agree!

OP, have you decided what to do?