Toddeler distraught at nursery

[hulahoop7]

Our 2 1/2 year old daughter started nursery last week and she seems to really hate it. She was with a childminder before with one slightly older girl and she loved going there. Unfortunately our childminder needed to retire quite and suddenly for medical reasons. She used to take the kids to 2 playgroups a day which our daughter loved and was confident in so we thought she was prepared for being in a group setting. However she is now in week 2 and is terribly distraught and generally stressed throughout the working week even when we are back home. She'll say things like "I can't go to nursery, I'm only 2" or "I want to come to your office mummy" through sheets of tears while we take her there. She starts crying every time we mention the word nursery too and wakes up crying sometimes during the night which is very uncharacteristic for her. It's all quite heart breaking! She doesn't cries for up to an hour after arriving and looks exhausted but reasonably happy when we pick her up in the evening, but as soon as we mention anything about going back she'll cry, say that she doesn't like it and plead with us to not take her back there. Any help on how we can make the experience less stressful for her?

What has the settling in process been? How long did you leave her on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd days? It would be ideal to start with shorter days then gradually build them up, rather than whole days right from the start.

It is normal for some children to take a while to settle in. They will be looking to you, to see how you react. If you are confident that this is a great place, then try and project that confidence to your child. Try not to let her see your anxiety about her being upset, as it can be misread as anxiety about the nursery. So keep the conversation brief and always positive. You can let her know that you have heard her- acknowledge her feelings, but try and focus on the positive. "sometimes it can be tricky getting used to a new place. I have seen lots of things at nursery that I am sure you will like though, so why don't we go find them"

Get some feedback from her key person. They should have a settling in plan- be setting up things she likes and spending time connecting with her at the moment. Is this happening? If you know what will be set up that she likes, you can talk about that on the way- maybe even bring something to contribute to it- if she likes arts & crafts- maybe you can bring some boxes and things from home. It would be helpful to establish a goodbye routine to- can you go in, read a story together, then play for a minute or two at her favourite thing, then her keyperson can come play along side while you say goodbye (so she is busy & has support)

Another idea if to take a photo of you two. Print two small copies. One for her to keep in her pocket or box at nursery, the other for your pocket. Let her know that you miss her and whenever you miss her you will have a little look at your photo.

Good luck!

Thanks a lot for the advice.

We had the settling in days with her, which she enjoyed, but then either me or my husband were there with her almost the entire time. On the first day we left her for half the day and then she went on to full-time.

Her key person is also trying hard to make her feel comfortable, reads out the books she brings with her and to the whole class and sets up play-things she'll be interested in.

I guess my husband and I were much more comfortable with the idea of her being with the childminder and a smaller number of children whom she's already friends with, so we are probably looking for weaknesses with the nursery ourselves. Our daughter also reasons against having to go to nursery so well and so vehemently, that we are sometimes shocked and lost for words and look very anxious ourselves. We'll be more careful about what to say and how to say it going forward.

We will also give the photo idea a go. She'll love that.

Thanks again.

Would it be possible to find another childminder? My first childminder also retired and we were devestated but she recommended another childminder (who she actually mentored) who is wonderful too.

My CM is going to take my DS to his nursery school sessions when he hits 3 so he will not miss out on that but will be in her lovely family setting the rest of the time.

Yes, we looked for others childminders as our preferred option, but competition for places in our area was so great that we couldn't find a good one in time. We are keeping our eye on the CM vacancy lists as backup too.

We were also thinking of organising weekend play dates with a few of the other children in our daughters group to help her make friends more quickly.

"We were also thinking of organising weekend play dates with a few of the other children in our daughters group to help her make friends more quickly."

That's a great idea - just an hour or two at a local soft play centre would be perfect. It's still early days for settling in btw - i bet 2/3 weeks from now LO will be enjoying nursery and quite happy to go.

Little one decided on her 4th day of full-time nursery that she actually didn't mind it all that much. She seems to like her "teachers" and enjoyes the routine once sge got used to it. Now that she understands what the day consists of and knows that her dad will pick her up at a fixed time every day she doesn't shed any more tears in the mornings and speaks about nursery in a positive way. What a dramatic change! We will still make sure that she has opportunities to socialise with her favourite play mates outside of nursery, but the worst appears to be over. Phew!