bad mother or good for her?

[dawno]

putting my 15month in nursery 1 day per week because only sees other children at play group 1 hour a week and not very good with other children, am I going down the wrong path with her or just beating myself up?

She will love it and you will love it and everyone will be happy!

neither really: at 15 months she is too young to be "good with other children" anyway don't forget. but 1 day a week won't hurt her.

I'm sorry i'm going to sound negative here, but my personal feeling is that no child 'needs' nursery. Of course its great place for a child to get care if their parent has to work. But talking in terms of socialising your child, esp at that age, nursery is not necessary.

Many only children don't mix much with other children, no 15mth old child is good with other children my three year old still isn't good with other children! You take her to playgroup and that is more than others, as time goes by you are bound to make other friends with children who you can invite around to play one-to-one with your child.

I used to work in a nursery, and always tried to encourage parents to leave their children for at least 2 days a week, as one day a week makes it very difficult to settle in, having such a long gap between going again.

Sorry, i know its probably not what you want to hear, but you did ask for opinions .

Personally, I wouldn't chose to put a 15 mth old into a nursery for a full day unless I had to.

She wouldn't be 'good' with other children at 15mths. She has to learn how to interact, and the best way for young children to do that, is with their parent close by, or if not their parent, another caring, attentive adult.

Can she not go to more playgroups with you?

If you don't need the childcare, then I would suggest maybe starting with a half day and see how you get on, a nursery day is a long one for a child of that age.

If you need the time off then fine. 2 mornings might be better though

Otherwise be prepared for her to be ill, a lot! All the kids I know at nursery get sick all the time

Personally, my choice would be either one or two mornings rather than a whole day. I think that nursery can provide a really interesting experience for them. My DD goes three mornings a week (the other two mornings my mother has her) but she has been known to ask to go to nursery instead of my mums. She is 2.

However, by the end of the day they do get tired and crabby and I'm not sure how good it is for them, also the research does show that if children are going to suffer from stress / raised cortisol levels then it will be in the afternoons.

I'm lucky in that I have managed to arrange my work so that my DD only has to go mornings, and I know that this isn't an option for some, but it sounds as if it might be an option for you, and if it is, then I think mornings only is a better option.

That's my totally honest opinion!!

thanks for your views you have only added to my own worries over this choice, I will look to find more play groups and try harder to make friends at them, I just worry my dd is not getting all she needs but as you have said she is still young to be getting on with other children,I just worry shes not getting all she needs but then maybe what she does need is to spend time with parents who love her and not strangers, thanks.

So true dawno, so true. All a child needs, is loving parents who show her how to have fun and enjoy life. She has plenty of time to learn how to interact with other children.

Honestly my dd is 3 and still can't 'get' the idea of having friends, despite the fact that i mix with my friends who have children the same age, she's just always been happier mixing with adults.

No 15 month old needs to be "good" with other children.

Taking her out and about and letting her share your life and experiences is much more important than seeing a different set of 4 walls and a different set of toys.

If you want to do it for you - then that's different however, but I really don't think it will make any difference to her.

I personally think 15 month old children are very soon at the age where they do need to interact with other children. To start learning how to function in groups with others and because they get a lot of enjoyment out of it. It doesn't have to be nursery, but I would definatly take her out to playgrounds and play groups a lot.

If you look on the childcarelink website, you should be able to get a list of mother & toddler's groups in your area.

Have you thought about a childminder? I think if you do feel you want her to interact on her own, maybe a childminder would be a better choice for her age. Most childminders have one/two other children and go out to drop ins/childminder's groups etc, she could do 1/2 mornings?

BTW, my dd is 2.3 and is mostly fine but still has her moments with other children, it's a learning experience, it does take time. I am justing thinking of putting her into playgroup from May when she is 2.6, as I want to prepare her for school nursery (next January) I think before this age, nursery is un necessary (unless you have no choice, obviously)

Another point of view for you Dawno. My 16 month old DS goes to nusery 4 days a week, although my situation is different from yours because I work.

My observation is that he seems to enjoy his time there. He barely looks at me when I drop him off and often gets upset when it's time to leave in the afternoon!

If you want her to go into nusery so you can have a break then there is no need to beat yourself up about it, despite what some posters on this thread are saying.

Have a look round, see if you can find one that you are happy with, and take her along to see how she settles.

Good luck :)

I agree about breaking it up, eg two mornings rather than one day. Nursery is great, you know, it is fun and your dd will learn things about mixing with other children - even if at 15mo it doesn't really matter.

All the above providing you are happy with the quality of care, with her key worker, etc. But what I'd also say is that if you're only doing it because you think you should and really, you don't want to - then don't. You will feel guilty, and at her age, she really doesn't need it - I mean in a positive sense, ie she is probably getting everything she needs from her life with you, and a bit of nursery would be extra at this point rather than a necessity.

SP/Hattie05 - not true surely that no 15 month old child is good with other children as both mine certainly were in the sense that they started to learn about sharing, began to play with another person, they started role-playing, turn-taking etc.

Dawno I would go for 2 X half-days too TBH. Probably easier for her to settle in, make friends (because she will even at that young age gravitate towards some members of the group more than others for play) and try differnt activities without getting too tired.

I honestly belive it is good for children from around 15 to 18 months to begin to learn how the wider world works and that includeds mixing with other adults and children. Doesn't have to be nursery of course but can be.

Good point from Pruni that don't do this if you feel you should only if you feel you want to.

Agree with Janos, Pruni and gomez . 2 mornings better. Don't do it because you feel you should. Playgroup is very different from nursery IMO. At nursery, mummy is not there (but of course), the carers and children tend to be samier, the environment is constant, there is a routine of sorts. It gives your dd a better chance of getting comfortable in her new environment and forming relationships with other carers, even if you are not there. It adds a new dimension to her life. 15 months old is not too young to benefit from the socialisation and stimulation of nursery, but that always depends on the child. Make sure you are happy with the nursery, take the time to settle dd in. Dawno, you might be pleasantly surprised! I know I was, dd was the clingiest breastfed baby when she started at 1+. Nursery has been the making of her.

Dawno, I would honestly say that only do this if you really feel it is by far the best solution for your child. You're the one who will be leaving her so you must feel strong about it.

My personal view is that you are doing fine taking her to playgroup. If you do that and maybe one other mother and toddler thing a week I think that's perfect for a 15 month old. I think sometimes people seize on them being with other children a lot as a solution but in fact being with you and watching YOU interact with others is also very valuable to her - seeing you talk to your friends is role modelling to her how people are in the big world and it is from this that she learns how to interact. When the times comes and she herself is interested in playing with others, she will have a good solid grouding and understanding from having watched you and been gently guided by you at playgroups. Much easier o her I think than 'in at the deep end' on her own.

One major thing I have learned about kids is that 99% of it is about 'readiness' - they can't do things until they have the mental and emotional readiness; by this I mean that Nursery would give your daughter experience of being around groups of kids but that won't actually give her the ability to relate to them any differently until she is ready; children play 'alongside' rather than with eachother sometimes up to about four years old, and I know children who still find it very difficult to share at older than this and when they have been attending pre-school or nursery daily!

I peronally think relax, enjoy life with her and let her get her first experiences of other children with your guiding presence comfortingly near.

My own experience was similar to you, and I also felt pressure from friends who did use Nursery to send him - they said similar things to Janos who says her DS doesn't look at her when dropped off and gets upset when he has to leave nursery. I'm glad that she feels happy with her arrangements and I'm sure her DS is fine - but it is not obligatory for a child to be happy to leave it's parent at this age and it is NOT an indication of problems if the child does not 'practice' leaving the parent at this age. I'm sure some of my friends thought my DS would be clingy because he hadn't had nursery. However he now attends preschool two mornings a week and has settled absolutely fine, enjoys it and is no more clingly - in fact less so than some who have done nursery. It's all about readiness.

I am glad that unlike some of my friends I never had to leave a sobbing child at nursery - some had to bear this for MONTHS while their child adapted. My DS and I have not had to go through this and he is coping as well if not better with socialising than some other children. So the point of my rant is DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU! and don't bow to any 'pressure' from others.

When ds came to use at 10 months he was also not very good with other children, although he was very comfortable with adults. Since then we go to something for up to a couple of hours every weekday morning (toddler group/Gymboree classes), partly to get him more used to other children but mostly because he gets very bored at home. Now at 20 months he's very good with other children, plays well, doesn't snatch (too much) or hit or get too upset that the other child has a toy he wants. I agree with Hattie05 that not all children are naturally sociable at that age, but he has turned out to be. He's starting nursery atm, and will be going 2 afternoons a week until April when he will be going for 2 full days as I will be going back to work.

It's hard to say because obviously I don't know your dd, but if she's not good with other children it might make nursery harder for her to settle in to than if she was able to play comfortably with them. If you're feeling uncertain could you take her to more groups and then put her in nursery when she's a little older? I feel much easier putting ds in nursery at this age because he's quite verbal. Even though he crys when I drop him off, when I go to pick him up he can tell me what he's done and the other childrens' names and show me the toys he's played with so I know that he hasn't been miserable the whole time I've been gone.

I am always amazed at how many people credit nursery with their babies now wonderful social skills. It's much more likely to have been what you did in the first months of life that lead to a strong sense of attachment you know.

My O has had a day at a nursery since he was 6 months old. He loves going. Has had no more illness than his friends who's mum's don't work. He is more socialy independant than his friends of his age which makes it alot easier on me when we are out and about as he is not clining to me and I can go to the loo! I am now expecting my second and am sure I will have no 2nd thoughts about sending this one aswel. However you have to do what is best for you and your family and don't let anyone else influence this with their personnel views.

dd1 and I did NOTHING (as in no nursery, playgroup, mums and toddlers) for the first 19 months of her life as I couldn't drive and lived in remote rural village . It was depressing tbh.

BUT...she is 6 now and super popular with lovely social skills

she did finally go to nursery at 2.9 but tbh the social skills displayed there were pretty shocking

I credit me, me, me and her lovely childminder for them

i think at 15 mths its better to go to playgroups/mother and toddler/whatever where you stay with your daughter

but if thats not available i dont see any harm in maybe a couple of hours twice a week

morning would be better, as most children are tired in the afternoon (well thats the case in this house anyway )

Mine is the same as Annelouise, DS has gone to nursery since he was 9 months as I returned to work, if anything he has built up a very good resistance to most infections and hardly ever has tummy bugs and has never had diarrhoea in his life!! [touch wood]

I think it prepares them well for nursery and school as DS absolutely loves going to nursery and seeing all his little mates. A little boy who is 3 has just started nursery and has never been to playgroup or anything and he bawls every single day and is totally miserable.

Well to be fair, Crazydazy the three year old may have cried if he had started at 15 months, you can't judge that the reason he is unhappy is because his mum didn't take him to nursery until later. My friends 18 month old has just started one day a week and screams the place down, she too goes as her mum feels she needs to socialise. I'm sorry but at fifteen months this really isn't important, they paralell play anyway, you can get a 'wider view of the world' in many ways, nursery is not the only option.