Does your 4 yo lie about things that happen at nursery?

[Loopyloub]

Our 4 yo DS came home yesterday with a distressing tale about a another little boy who had done something inappropiate to him, by in his words "sucking his winky"! II was horrified and shocked, couldn't believe it, so we asked him some more about it and he said it was true and that he felt sad.

I phoned the nursery immediately to be told that nothing happened so arranged a meeting with them the next day to find out exactly what was going on. In the meantime, hubby asked him again what happened and said he wouldn't be in trouble if he just told the truth. He said he made it up because he fell out with his friend! I can't believe it I feel so confused, did this happen or not? If not, why is he making up such disgusting stories about another 4 YO boy and he even spoke about how the boy was put on the naughty step, and separated from the rest of the class. We never use any sexual language in front of him, so where is he getting this from? Help!

Sadly yes my child does. He told me they lock naughty children in a cupboard upstairs and that a nursery nurse kicked him in the head . He is always keen to go to nursery though.

So I do believe that children that age can lie, I know some people say they can't.

In your situation I would probably be hugely confused and stressed too. It's hard to think why of all the things to say he would say that...... I really do t know what to advise, hopefully someone more useful will come along.

Oh that must have been a shock for you. I think it is worth talking with the nursery since the language used is so outside what you would expect from your DS.

DD (4) is starting to come out with almost daily lies. But they are harmless. eg. "I had no one to play with today" I asked her a few slightly different questions later about what activities she had been doing and it became clear she had played with friends.

Last week she told the nursery that our house had fallen down and she would have to sleep in the garden.

I can usually tell when DD is lying because she will tell me something and then ask me not to talk to the teachers about it. This is because every time she comes out with a sad tale (like no friends or some one hurt her) I say that I will talk to her teachers about it tomorrow.

Hope you have a good meeting with the nursery.

One other thought. At DDs nursery recently they did have a talk with all the older children about what parts of their body are private. This was because there had been what the staff described as inappropriate displays and touching. When I asked the staff about it, I was told that sometimes children with older siblings can be exposed to language you would not expect to hear from a 4 year old and they thought that might have been where it all started from. So perhaps there is a child at your DS's nursery who has overheard something and mentioned it at nursery.

My 4 yo told an extremely torrid tale of biting once when I noticed a red mark on him. Apparently he was trapped under a desk by 2 boys and bitten. Cue me doing massive lectures about telling them not to and telling the teacher etc.

Of course when I put him in the bath the red mark washed off.

Remember to your 4 yo a willy is not sexual in the same way as it is to us. It's just like a bum or something, just another body part, but one that lots of people at nursery make hilarious wee and poo jokes about .

It is also possible that someone at nursery has an older brother or sister and has overheard something they shouldn't have and repeated it, children hear odd bits about sexual behaviour without understanding it or being particularly affected by it but of course we are terrified and horrified.

Ime the more horrific the incident AND the punishment then the less likely it is the event happened. As long as the nursery have ensured that your child is safe - It is very unlikely at our pre-school that any two children would be alone long enough to get pants off! They are generally allowed in the toilet alone at 4 but would not be with another child, if they are sent to wash their hands it would be in a large group with an adult with them.

Oh yes runningoutofideas has mentioned something important - when DS comes out with a more interesting story I always suggest we ring up and have a chat with his key worker about it: Cue 'no no no no Mummy don't speak to X!'

To add to the above - both my 3.5 and 5.5 yo tell 'lies' - for example

• 3.5 yo telling nursery that he has a pet dog and telling them all about him - though we have no pets at home and never have done. Only discovered this by chance when his key worker mentioned something about it.

• 5.5 yo telling me that he had lost all his treasure time because he'd been hitting someone in his class (incident and punishment both made up)

When we do 'talk about our day' while getting ready for bed, 3.5 yo will often say something like 'the best bit of my day was going to nursery' when he's not been to nursery that day. Once he said his least favourite bit of the day was 'when mummy was hitting me' - can imagine that would have been right, had it been true

So - I'd say that it's very likely that he was making up the incident, but given the nature of what he's said I'd definitely be having a chat with nursery about it.