Dealing with tantrums at nursery

[awayninahmanger]

Ds has been at nursery attached to my workplace full time from early on. Now I have dd and am on mat leave so I have reduced his days at nursery, I don't want to take him out altogether as I will prob have to go back to work, and he will start school in Sept 07. When ds is at home we have a great time and although he was initially a bit unsettled about dd coming along it all seems to be good now ... we are very close. However, there have been a couple of dreadful scenes at nursery with him kicking helpers, etc. The nursery's initial solution was for me to collect him earlier on the days he goes in and after the latest incident they are suggesting I collect him just after lunch. This doesn't really work as by the time I get him there it would virtually be time to turn around and get him so we are keeping things as they are and I am trying to keep a routine going as much as poss. What I'd really like to do is have him at home even more but they seem to think this would be unsettling as I plan to return to work eventually - I just feel that the time I have with him now is so precious. They also commented that I should try not to make his days at home too much fun as it won't help nursery cope when he goes there. I am torn between my parenting instincts and advice from the professoinals - any comments? I should add that my partner and I are in the process of separating, so ds has a LOT to contend with.

I find the advice given to you by the nursery a bit strange, I mean it doesn't sound very professional. I am the manager of a pre-school and see this type of behaviour happen when a sibling comes along. We have several ways of dealing with it but suggesting the parent picks the child up earlier would definitely not be one of them! Seeing as the behaviour is happening at the pre-school they should be discussing with you things they can do to manage it. Is your feeling that he is behaving like this because he doesn't want to be at nursery and he would rather be with you? If you feel this is the case then if you arrive and collect him early then this is surely giving him a very negative route to get what he wants? You could consider removing him although in my opinion not a good option in the long run. You have reduced his days so he is getting family time with you and dd which is important but don't forget he is also gaining alot from attending nursery, he was before his sister came along wasn't he?
If this situation arose within my setting I would be talking to you and suggesting putting into place some of the following strategies:
-a fixed routine at drop off and pick up, staff to talk lots about ds's day and not coo over dd
-lots of praise for all positive behaviour (and I mean praise for anything positive panto style "oh wow that was so kind...." "did you really help? we are so lucky to have a boy like you in our group" get my drift?!)
-a reward system for all kindness he shows, instructions he follows. Something that appeals to him, trains? animals? This is to be shared with you at the end of a session. If he gets 2 stickers a day then he gets a treat from you.
-sharing books about new siblings
-home corner available all the time with dolls for role playing
-physical activities and lots of opportunities to get rid of his frustrations in a safe way
-I would ignore all negative behaviour completely and ask everyone to make a fuss of whoever got hurt/everyone who is behaving. You may find it gets worse before it gets better but if they are consistent it will get better.
All I can think of at the mo but if you need any help then I will try. I am surprised by the reaction of the nursery, were you happy with them before and has your son always been settled there previously?
Oh and please ignore the suggestion of not making home too much fun!!! I've never heard of anything so ridiculous he needs quality time with you more than ever and you aren't the one seeing the negative behaviour. For what its worth I think you are completely right with trying to keep his routine going.
Hope you don't think I'm being pushy or too interfering but I do get a bit cross about how some families are treated by childcare settings, some of them give the rest of us a bad name!

Hi awayninahmanger
I have problems with my DS's nursery (which I have posted about) and I have to say that I don't think that picking him up really early is going to solve the problem, as he will be in for longer when you do return to work anyway. DS's nursery even though being in for longer days might help as it is more routine. Given all the new things that your son has to deal with, and if the nursery know this, then it obviously has unsettled him and will take some time for him to settle down again.
I find usandbumps suggestions really helpful, and think they could help your DS get into a new routine without feeling left out over the new baby.
I will say though that you should have as much fun with DS as you want at home, and no one else should tell you otherwise because, as you said, the time you have with him is precious.

I thought usbumps post was brilliant.
I too was very shocked by the nurseries suggestion.
How is picking him up early helping, at all ?
And the suggestion of limiting fun, whilst at home, it utterly ridiculous.
I think you need to ask the nursery manager to re-assess and to suggest some more 'helpful' solutions.
Sad to hear that you are experiencing this.

thanks very much indeed for the helpful replies! I did wonder about some of this advice, honestly! I have always been impressed with the nursery previously, they seem very good indeed with younger children but now ds is a little older I am less satisfied tbh. Thanks usandb for your suggestions! Yes, he is behaving like this because he wants to be at home. I was particularly phased by the suggestion I pick him up early as it seemed to be from the nursery's point of view - 'he gets tired, then we know how long we have to manage for, it's disruptive to the others etc'. I am now dropping him off at a more regular time. They have been praising the positive and trying to downplay the negative, and giving him special tasks to do as a helper towards the end of the day. It does seem that they are viewing him as a bit of a 'nuisance' to be 'managed' in fact when I had a further chat the manager suggested I cut him down to half days and pick him up at 2pm! this really doesn't work for me and I said so. In fact the issue about him getting tired is strange, as he's been there full-time til 6pm from an early age and they didn't mention this possiblity before! And we still have lots of fun on our days off - damned if I won't! Once I know for sure my own future plans it will be easier to make decision about childcare for the longer term but atm want to keep status quo as far as I can for ds
Thanks very much indeed, it gives me a lot more confidence that others agree