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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Clingy 2 year old and playgroup- can't leave!

19 replies

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 12:56

I am in despair! My 2 year old has been at playgroup since mid January. Other children started at the same time as him and are fine. The policy is to say good bye and then leave [no sneaking out when they are happily playing]. This has clearly worked for most other children but not my ds. I leave and he will cry until I am asked to come back [once cried by the door for an hour]. Understandably the playgroup can't let him go on longer and feel an hour is pushing it.
They suggest I stay in the room until he builds up more trusting relationships with staff. He will play happily without me if I am in the room.
What to do? I am supposed to be working in a charity shop the mornings I am stuck with him. He talks about play group happily when not there and goes in happily and plays happily. How can this separation anxiety cycle be broken? Do I just give up? [and give up my new job].

I really am fed up and at a loss.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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mercibucket · 29/02/2012 13:03

If you need the job, you will just have to grit your teeth and get on with it. Maybe try a different nursery where you don't have to sit outside and they will just put up with the crying
If it's a volunteer job or you're not that bothered about it, try again in 6 months to a year. They lose a lot of the anxiety by 3

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 13:11

Thanks for the reply mercibucket. Do you think the playgroups idea of me sitting in ok? He only touches base with me if I am in room and I give him very little attention. He plays with other children and goes out of my sight- if I am in the room. I don't want to try another playgroup as he talks about the children and likes it. However I know other playgroups around here would take a different approach. The charity shop are being understanding but I sense they think it is me being clingy and it really isn't. Perhaps I should put a time limit on it. 2 more weeks? 4? To be quite honest me paying to sit with him all morning was not what I planned [or can afford long term].
Difficult....

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 29/02/2012 13:14

If he hasn't settled then maybe try some where else for him. But it might just be that it's got into a vicious cycle of he cries cos he knows you come back and he's worked out that there's a limit to how much nursery will take before calling u back. It's understandable nursery have a time limit they allow but also in a way if they left him to it long enough he might figure it out that it's not so bad. It might be worth trying somewhere else as if he just hasn't gelled there you can't force that but if he does it again at the new place i think you might just have to let him cry and not go back. :)

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 13:19

Thanks Wheremycaffeinedrip. He likes the activities and the children and talks about the staff. It is so frustrating. He is a strong minded child so will persevere with what is obviously working- crying until I am asked back.

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Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 29/02/2012 13:26

If you know and trust the staff and he trusts them then he's not physically going to be in any harm my dd has always been pretty stubborn too doesn't get that from me no way and could go on fir quite some time. Think if you can work it out with nursery and give it say a week then maybe there might be some improvement. Trust me kids don't ever forget what they need to do to get what they want :o and giving in once can sometimes create huge problems ( sure we have all done that :) )

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 13:34

Think I will give it another week playing by playgroup rules [will mean another week of sitting about and not working!]. If no improvement at all [ie being called back in due to crying] think will have to give notice [whatever that is- not sure] and try again when he is 3.
Feel like such a let down queen with my job and also embarrassed cos I can tell what other mums are thinking- clingy Mum!!!

OP posts:

south345 · 29/02/2012 13:38

Some children just don't suit nurseries, I'm a cm and care for a little girl who hates big groups she used to do a split between me and nursery but she used to spend the whole day screaming at nursery and would scream as soon as they went down the road it was on but has never once cried here! Could you send him to a childminder who does the 15 hours funding if that was what you were hoping to use?

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 13:41

That is something to consider south345.
At point of just giving up at the moment.

He likes the company of the other children, the activities etc which makes it SO irritating and frustrating!

OP posts:

south345 · 29/02/2012 13:43

This little girl has loads of friends from coming here and going out and about but she's just not in a room full of noise all day so it's better for her, just thought it might be worth a try, a cm should let you have a settling in visit or a few so you could se if it's going to work and most have a 4 week settling in so you don't have to give a months notice if he's not happy there.

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 13:47

Thanks south345. Off to stuff myself with chocolate now to cheer myself up!
Some thinking to do..

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 29/02/2012 13:54

Hope it all works out for you :)

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 17:54

Thanks for all advice and good wishes. Just feel that we are in vicious circle territory and I am finding it difficult to see how 'the crying for ages when I leave cycle can be broken'.

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Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 17:59

I feel broken!

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Sneezeblossom · 29/02/2012 18:02

The nursery staff should be supporting you with this. They should be helping you with strategies to help your son settle in.

Sneezeblossom · 29/02/2012 18:03

The nursery staff should be supporting you with this. They should be helping you with strategies to help your son settle in.

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 29/02/2012 18:09

I will talk more to them next session.

Just felt bit defeated today.

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mercibucket · 29/02/2012 20:37

I put my dd with a cm for this reason - she is v high intensity and needs a v close 1:1 relationship with a caregiver. She settled v well.worth a thought if playgroup doesn't work out

Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 01/03/2012 20:24

Back to the coal face tomorrow...
I'll have a chat to staff and see if it is worth continuing there. He is so happy there.. until I leave. GRRR.
I will report back. Thanks for all your comments. .

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Original poster

SunflowersSmile · 02/03/2012 10:13

Called it a day and given notice to playgroup. Unless a miracle occurs in the next week [which I doubt] that's it. We will try again in September when the placement will be free and also he will be three.
Feel deflated and disappointed. Just have to delay everything for a while.

Will use the time to try and get him used to being left more with friends/ family members without me. [Will ring charity shop now.. fun, fun].

OP posts:

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