Feel guilty about putting DS in nursery when I dont' have to

[Caz1976]

My DS is 15 months old, and I am considering putting him into a nursery for two mornings a week, even though I am not working. I decided to do it because he's so sociable and seems to love being with other people and children. And also thought it might be good for me to have a break (and also attempt to work on my novel). When I first took him to the nursery I chose, he loved it, ran around and barely looked back. But at our settling in session yesterday he was much more clingy, and when I got back from half an hour away he was sobbing. I'm now having a total crisis of confidence about whether to put him in or not. I then read something on the net about it not being beneficial for children under two to go to nursery. And thought about how he'll probably get sick all the time. I know I'm probably being a wimp, and am lucky it doesn't need to be full-time, but has anyone else grappled with this problem? Does anyone think it will be good for him to go? Or that it wouldn't be? I'm feeling so indecisive and guilty about everything at the moment!

It will be good for you and it'll be fine for him.
Dd1 went to a childminder two days a week from about the same age as your ds, mostly because otherwise I wasn't getting anything done (I wasn't working).
There comes a time when you will love the time you spend with him more if you spend some time away from him.
It'll also get him used to being away from you/around other children when he starts preschool/school.
Separation anxiety is totally totall normal and just his way of showing you he loves you. Can you ask the nursery to call you once you are home to let you know he has settled?
Oh and if he gets sick, good - he's building up immunities and hopefully getting the illnesses now that he won't get when he's older. Better now, when you can take care of him, than later when you might have to take time off work.
HTH.

I think if you need a break and want one then do it.

2 mornings a week is a very short space of time, it really won't do him any harm.

Plenty of 15mos are in ft childcare because their parents work!

Thank you both so much for your very sound advice. I feel so much better about it now. Of course - two mornings are nothing, and I do want that time to myself and for him to meet other children. It's funny how last week I was feeling utterly confident about my choice, strong, upbeat and like a good mummy. Then this week I've been anxious, indecisive and generally pathetic! NO two weeks ever seem to the same with this parenting thing. DS has been teething and sick this week though - so probably a great deal to do with that. Our mood seems so intertwined with theirs! THANK YOU again.

At 15 months, I would look for a mother's help or babysitter to come and play with your DS in your own home (in winter) or local park (in spring/summer) twice a week to give you a break. It will be much easier for him to get used to and he won't get sick.

Bonsoir - that just wouldn't have worked for me. I couldn't relax with someone playing with my own child in my own home. I honestly don't think she needs to worry about her son going to a nursery two mornings a week, unless he really doesn't settle (which might be a consequence of going for a short time only).

go for it

Pros of babysitter/mother's help: it's cheaper, there are fewer logistics, DC can stay at home when there are little bit ill, mother can stay at home or go out, ditto babysitter.

If you want some time out, then do it. But I doubt it will be beneficial for your ds. The most beneficial way of helping him to socialise is for you to be with him in a social setting.

Please believe me when I say I am not trying to be mean. This is just one of many hard decisions we make as parents. It's tough.

my ds is an only child is lost without his nursery sessions, I stopped his sessions when I didn't need them when I wasn't working for a while and bitterly regretted it! in hindsight I should have kept him in for their minimum sessions

He really misses it, I even noticed it over christmas he's much happier now he's back to his regular sessions

Do it!! And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. Having your children by your side 24/7 is not the key ingredient to you being a good mum and there are no prizes.
All 3 of my boys went at 10 weeks (4 days a week) until they went to school and LOVED it. It has been great for them in so many ways, they just would not have all the qualities they have had they have been with me all the time. I had no doubt that I would be a good mum but I also acknowledged that there were other people and settings that they could learn alot from that I could not teach/give. I think the more people they come into contact with earlier on, the more independent and adaptable they become. Well it certainly worked for mine anyway, we've never had any separation anxiety, or any of that stuff. Just keep away from people that are too keen to tell you how they love their kids more than you because they don't let them go to nursery. I used to get a little wound up about it, but now I look back, knowing I absolutely did the right thing, I realise it made me a better parent by allowing my children to do this and having my career as well - it is certainly massively advantageous now they are older!!!

My dd1 goes two day a week and the majority of the time she loves it. She does go through odd patches where she is clingy and not wanting to go but it soon passes . She has learned so much and is a great little socialite

At 15 months he doesn't need to meet other children but if you want him to then that's up to you.

In my experience, 2 mornings a week isn't enough for him to settle and so it might take a while.

I agree with scafmaker.

My personal belief is that young children are better off with a childminder or nanny, than in a nursery.

phf it depends on the child surely, tried CM with my LO at first but at 9 months moved him to a nursery where he absolutely thrived and blossomed. He was fine at the CMs because he's a happy child anyway but it didn't enhance his little life, he was really properly extra happy at the nursery, he's always been v sociable from a teeny tot he really craves the company of other children

Research into the effects of day care of all types shows that it can be hugely beneficial to a child's social and cognitive development (especially short days), although this varies due to the individual child's personality and the quality of the day care provider. So if your child is very shy or insecure, a loud nursery may not be the best environment for them, or if the nanny/childminder/nursery has high staff turnover or poor facilities, then it isn't beneficial.

However, assuming that you're happy with the nursery, this is the most beneficial (compared to other day care providers) due to the fact that it usually has better facilities for different types of play, a wider variety of stimulating toys etc and more opportunities for structured interactions with familiar children.

Of course, research findings are only half the story - we all have our own gut feelings about what is best for our child!

I'm facing a similar decision (although driven by my choice to go back to office work) - can you clarify when you say day care is generally detrimental for babies?

I'm struggling to find any independent studies that have looked at the impact of different types of care or even no care v care.....

Im in a similar situation. DS is 13 months and only needs to go to childminder one afternoon a week. However, I put him in for 2 afternoons so I can get stuff done.
I have only done this for 2 weeks so far and am feeling v guilty...although the amount of stuff I can get done in those 4 hours is, frankly, phenomenal. He seems to have a nice time with her, and enjoys the company of the older children (I have seen this with my own eyes) but I worry I am saying this to myself to appease my guilt.

it is probably better for him to be with you full time than be in a nursery and learn to be social through things like play dates and toddler groups. It is however better for him to have a happy and relaxed mum rather than one that is bored and/or stressed. It is also important to remember that your wellbeing matters too.

you might want to think about bonsoir's suggestion too; it would be cheaper and you might enjoy your time off more.

I think you have to look at nursery from his point of view. Your lo doesn't quite know what is going on or who these strange people are. He is crying because he is scared and confused. He finds the activites and other children interesting but its all new.

However after a couple of weeks he will get to know his carers. He will develop a bond with his key worker and look forward to seeing her. He will learn that mummy will drop him off, he will have fun and mummy will come back. Mummy will have done all her boring jobs and the two of you can have more fun.

Children cry with childminders as well.

Caz there is nothing wrong with your DS going to nursery as opposed to childminder etc so long as you have done your research into the nursery and it is a decent one. My DD benefits enormously from going to nursery and has become very sociable and the variety of activities they do is mind boggling. As for the getting ill issue, if your DS doesn't get ill now, he will just get it all when he starts school. My DD picks up colds and coughs at nursery and have been told by GP that its completely normal and is part of the process of building up their ammune system.

I can answer this from both sides! With my boy who is now 4, I HAD to put him into nursery, 2 then 3 days a week, because I was working. He went at 8 months. I resented it because it wasn't my choice to do so. Within a few months I could see how much he got out of it. He had loads of friends and the nursery did SO MANY things! Now I have my daughter, 16.5 months, I am not working, but trying to start freelance. If I hadn't been forced to go the nursery route before I would probably have bottled it because the settling in period is hard. But I do not want her to miss out on the wonderful time her brother had, so I can also free up a couple of mornings into the bargain. A friend who doesn't have to do nursery etc is putting it off and putting it off and her boy is getting to pre-school age now and just won't settle anywhere without his Mum being there! - he goes to school next year and I am actually glad I got the hard bit out of the way earlier, it doesn't necessarily get any easier and they can be getting on with their little socialization skills (which my toddler definitely did). Don't forget, if you are registered self-employed and work at least 16 (?check this hasn't changed) hours a week and jointly earn under....£30,000? (check this too) you can get 70% of nursery costs paid. Sorry, can't look up any figures right now!!

Notyeteverything There's lots of different research looking at different ages. While Bowlby's now-discredited research suggests a sole carer is most important, more recent and more creditable research such as Andersson says that quality of care, stimulating environment, key workers and good routines are all examples of the benefits of day care for children from two years and older. Under this age the benefits vary hugely due to the number of hours in daycare and children's individual differences as well as the quality of care at home and parental stress levels.