Will it ever get easier?!?

[Emmie412]

DD 23 months has been going to nursery for five weeks, two days a week. Since starting nursery, there's the biiiig tears when having to leave me home (I work from home and my husband takes her to nursery on the bus) and then the usual clinginess at nursery door. She eats well there, has a poo but does not sleep which then leads to overtiredness as at home she'd normally have about 1,5-2,5 hours. I have been picking her up about 3pm and normally find her with her monkey and dummy, usually sitting in somebody's lap. She starts getting upset in the afternoon when other parents pick up their kids as she always hopes it is me - so most of the time when I do come she is in tears although staff assures me she has been playing and doing things quite happily during the day. She rests but does not sleep during naptime.

When we get home she is often hyper and irritable, bath time is a fight but she calms down after bath... a bit. Until bedtime. Before nursery it was a simple question of putting her to bed and she would fall asleep, now it is wailing, crying, mummy not allowed to leave the room. Most of the nights she finally falls asleep in my lap, wakes up early, goes to nursery tired and the same gets repeated the following evening.

I feel we have gone backwards with many things, now the dummy is a constant thing rather than just bed and car, potty training all forgotten about and bedtime a nightmare again. I trust the nursery, I visited a few and was happy with this one, it has lots of space and staff are all loving and caring, there's always time for a cuddle.

How long will it take before she'll settle? How long should I persevere? Add another day or forget about it?

Keep going. Its hard to start with but she will settle. Its only been 10 days so far. If the nursery staff were concerned they would speak to you and it sounds like she is happy there most of the time.

Do some distraction when she leaves in the morning. She's not just going to nursery, shes going to see the bin lorry/buses/shop/park whatever you see on the way there. Stay positive when you talk about nursery. Learn the names of the other children. You say you are happy with the nursery, she is only there 2 days and week and it sounds like a short day too if you are picking her up at 3. If you keep focused on the bigger picture, long term going there will have many benefits for her (and you).

It sounds like the bedtime stuff is because she is overtired having resisted nap at nursery. Give her lots of attention at bathtime and cuddles before you put her down. Leave her to settle. Nursery can be a busy stimulating environment and she may need time to wind down.

The potty training can wait. You can start up later when she is more settled and going to nursery can be a bonus here because they go with the other children so model for each other.

Hth

Thanks. I had a chat with her key worker today who suggested adding a third day and actually leaving her till 4.30pm to help her to settle. I really miss my confident little girl and I am now really torn if this will help or make it worse, i.e. is it worth it to put her through all this distress. And would we be faced with the same thing again later on so the current distress would be for nothing. In fairness, Christmas period has really been different from the usual, they have had mixed groups and before Christmas they were getting ready for a big Christmas show so the routine has not been exactly the same.

She has become really clingy and on nursery days she is in tears from first thing in the morning till the drop off. I could hear her crying loudly about 10-15mins in nurse's lap until they started reading a book.

Yesterday when I picked her up, she was quite withdrawn until we got home and I started taking her coat off - this led to a massive tantrum with hysterical screaming and kicking - I actually thought she might make herself sick from the gurgling screaming. She calmed down in my lap and actually fell asleep for 30 mins (and had apparently slept 35mins in the nursery as well. Bedtime was the usual hysterical crying as soon as I tried to make my way out of the room. :(

Sorry for the incoherent rambling, just feel quite bad about this all. :(

It sounds really tough. Its horrible to see your child distressed.

In order for her to enjoy her time at nursery she has to learn good separation from you, hard as it may be. I agree that just 2 days especially short days could be making it harder for her to settle.

How did you hear her crying for 10-15 minutes in the nurses lap? were you in the room? Drop off can be emotionally draining. Good nurseries should have strategies in place to distract and engage the child when you arrive. Its unusual for a child to be distressed for a long time after a parent leaves.

Is she engaged and happy the rest of the time she is there?

The withdrawn behaviour on your the home and tantrum on arrival home could be down to tiredness. Its a busy, stimulating environment. They get really tired after a day there.

If the childcare is good quality then things will settle down soon. If it doesnt then you may have to reconsider and look at other options. It could be that a busy nursery environment is too much for her at this age and stage. Maybe a different nursery or a childminder would have a setting that suits your daughter better? I would give it a bit longer before making any decisions.

oh god, sounds awful. maybe more one on one care with a trusted childminder might suit her better? Sounds to me like nursery just isnt for her, its tough as she won't get the quality of attention she is used to from you being in a group setting

Too young for nursery enviroment ?

Not yet 2, might prefer child-minder / homely based alternative.

If you keep pushing on she will eventually get used to it but may well take a year or so.

Some mums here are putting children in nursery and pre-school from 2 as they are concerned about not getting a place when the funding kicsk in at just over 3, do you feel a bit stuck ? Nursery could always reserve you a place for when she is older and you could take her to little daytime groups to build her confidence around other children.

How are you(or dh) reacting when you drop
Her/pick her up? You say she was crying for 10/15 minutes post drop off - how do you know?
When I have left dd with nanny and started pre school, the suggested approach was to be upbeat , make goodbyes and pick ups short and sweet and leave it to carers. This meant short lived upset (tbh upset was more with dd when younger than at preschool - and she was at home too with nanny so I don't think nursery environment is necessarily what sets them off).

Also do you talk about going to school as she may pick up on your concern? I used to read books about nursery with dd before she started preschool and be very upbeat about how great it was (she was 26 months when started and in 2 days as your dd was ).

My DS started at 10 months 3 part days a week and I think it took him about 6 months to settle and stop crying when I left. It was really really hard, the worst thing about going back to work. I think if I'd had other options I would have packed it in. Now he is older, he is clearly happy there, and I'm glad I stuck with it (although as mentioned, no other options!)

The amount of time your DD has been at nursery is actually really short though, I think as someone mentioned - only 10 days. I think you need to give it more time. However the staff at DS's nursery said the children who take the longest to settle are the ones who only go for one or two days a week. As you work at home would it be possible for you to work across 3 days so DD goes to nursery say until 1.00pm and then is able to have her usual nap? My DS does not sleep well at nursery at all either and it makes life extremely difficult - this aspect has not improved with time - I collect at about the same time you do and I do find him very hard to manage on those afternoons. You have my sympathies - its really tough.

Thanks for all the replies.

I know DD cried for 10-15mins as I was having a chat with her key worker in the entrance hall (where she could not see me) and I could hear her clearly. We have now gotten her a third day to help her settle but what I am thinking is that if this approach does not work then I may pack it in in a month or two. Before nursery we did lots of toddler groups so she is used to other kids and she has babysitters and we haven't had problems with them - tears sometimes when we leave her but most of the time there's no tears.

We do the drop off quickly, no point of lingering as it only upsets her further. When I pick her up, she tends to burst into tears but calms down quickly and happily waves/says bye bye and even blows kisses to her nurses.

If only she could talk...

Wanted to come back and answer my own question - yes it does get easier. DD had a great day in nursery yesterday, only brief separation tears and then no tears all day. When I picked her up, she was all happy, eating a sandwich and didn't have her dummy or monkey. She had napped 20 mins which is a far cry from her usual two hours but even that 20 mins made a massive difference to our evening, she was happy, ravenous (despite just having eaten at nursery) and only tears came from having to have a shower (normal) and then little tears at bedtime with a couple of dummy cries in the night, i.e. normal and not hysterical screaming for mummy.

She will turn two in a couple of weeks so they are moving her to preschool so I am hoping she'll settle there quickly too. Luckily most of her group is the same age so they are all changing rooms. Fingers crossed!

Yes - it does get easier! I'm sorry I didn't see this tread earlier, because it feels horrid when your child is like this, but it does take a while to settle. Just think how we feel when we start a new job and still have moments where we feel 'oldjobsick' and we're grown-ups without separation anxiety!

My DS does this each time he changes rooms at nursery (babies to toddlers, toddlers to infants), but after about three weeks of full-time, he loves it so much I can't get him to leave! After Christmas he talked about how he'd missed his friends and the nursery workers.

Research has also shown that a good nursery has huge benefits for kids' cognitive and social development, not to mention saving our sanity while we work!

Really glad to hear she is feeling happier!