DS sad and lonely at drop off. Warning: possible PFB-ism!

[herbaceous]

Hi there

My 2.4yr old DS has been going to this nursery since June. For the first couple of months, when I arrived his key worker - or someone else - would take charge of him, jolly him along to have some breakfast, give him a cuddle, or whatever.

For the past month or so, whenever I drop him off I sit him down at the breakfast table, take his coat off, park the buggy, etc, and in all that time quite often no-one will acknowledge his presence or say hello. I leave quite quickly, to not prolong the agony, but it breaks my heart to see him just sat at the table, looking so sad, with no-one talking to him. He's usually such a happy, jolly soul. If he actually cries, he does get attention, but he's not a natural crier. He has to be really upset, and I don't want it to get that far!

A few people have left recently, and are being replaced, so they're a bit short staffed, and his key worker is often more involved with the newer children, so would it be hideously precious of me to say anything? He's always happy when I pick him up, and if I spy on him before he sees me he's playing really happily with the other children...

Do they really not acknowledge him? Dd older but one of nursery staff will say hi as I being her in and sign. She will then go off as do her own thing. Is he really looking sad or are you projecting (dd my pfb so know about that). I ask as sounds like he is happy at all other times .

Nobody acknowledges either of you at all?

I would have a very calm polite little chat with his key worker and the nursery manager saying you know they are stretched ( but they still need to make sure each kid is cared for) but you are concerned for your son because each morning when you bring him to nursery blah blah blah.. could they just check he is ok?

Or tomorrow morning the pair of you waltz in singing at the top of your voices.

Do they think he is a kid who doesn't go demanding attention and think he's happy enough being left to it?

It's not a huge issue but I would point out how you feel about it.

They say hello, but have to open the door so it's unavoidable! There's a girl often sitting at the breakfast table, but she seems to be there because she has to, rather than to interact with the kids, as she never says anything to him or me. She's new, and very shy, but really...

His key worker often arrives just after we do. In the old days, she'd come over and say hello to him, but now might just wave, and go to do something else.

I think the problem is just that, pancake, that as he doesn't demand attention he must be fine. And I dare say he probably is. But I want him to be more than fine!

He is sad, yes Gigondas. I don't think it's just me projecting! At breakfast at home he chats, points, etc, but at nursery he chews forlornly away at his toast, looking on the verge of tears.

It makes me so sad!

If he is changing his behaviour as you say then I would say something. I assume he wasnt Like this when keyworker did make more effort.

Being short staffed no excuse for leaving him be. If key worker doesn't do the chat and welcome other girl should- being new nor a excuse.

My DD is full time at nursery and this made me well up. I would definitely say something, he sounds as if he just misses out on some attention as he is a good boy. Good luck.

As other people have said, have a word with his key worker. My DD aged 3.5 came home the other day and said that 'no one ever wanted to play with her' and she 'had to play on her own all the time'

I had a word with the lady who runs the playgroup who said she'd keep an eye on things. Turns out as soon as my back was turned she was off playing with friends and interacting :) little sods can be quite manipulative when they want to be :D

Katie ? you've just made me well up too! A good boy. That's just what he is.

A few weeks ago key worker told me he hadn't been sitting down and listening like he should. So I had a word with him. Ever since then he sits so dutifully listening, even if all around is chaos. Perhaps he's a bit too good, and needs to make more of a fuss.

Though, to give them their due, key worker just phoned me as his eye has been giving him gyp (he wears a cosmetic shell over it, as its blind). She said 'he was on my lap, eating his snack, when he started crying about it'. They key words being 'on my lap'!

Do you know the new/shy girl's name? Can you take your ds over to her to hand him over - say "come and sit down next to Liz. Liz, I'll leave ds with you ok?".

I took my DD out of a pre-school for pretty much this kind of thing.

They were just so indifferent to her. She is at the most wonderful, loving, caring pre school now.

Sorry - not that I'm saying you should remove him! But if, in your gut, you don't think it's the right place for him then yes do. Otherwise, as oithers have said, have a word.

I had an identical situation. Broke my heart, in addition to this, they expected my DS to get his own breakfast... He was only just 2!!
The girl sat at table had back to the door and just sat with a sheet of paper - noting what child ate what. She never even looked up from the paper, never mind talk!!
I spoke to manager and, at my suggestion, girl sat on other side (so faced the door), and said hello to parents & child. She then started to encourage children to sit near her so should could "help" them... The self serving breakfast was still an issue... (but that's another story).
Talk to them, you're not being precious, you just love your child

I removed my DS in the end, the breakfast issue planted doubts, I challenged their actions after my DS broke his leg and, well it's best I don't say anymore... Other than to say they acted illegally and negligently...

TBH OP I am not clear why you don't just speak to the nursery. I have never hesitated to talk to nursery/school staff when I am concerned about my kids. A one minute chat can turn it all around or reassure you. Why would you wait and worry and who cares if you are being pfb or not. What's the worst that can happen - the staff might think you are a little over protective - who cares? The important thing is that your dc and you are happy.

And btw if you are pfb then I am with all my dc.

I know I should have a word, but I find this sort of thing utterly cringe-inducing. I don't want them to be all 'OK, of course, sorry herbaceous' to my face, and when I'm gone bad mouth me and make the situation even worse for DS.

I did once raise my concern that he was wearing the same nappy at pick up as he'd been dropped off in (I knew, as it was the brand I used at home, not the one they had at nursery) and there was a strenuous denial. However, since then it hasn't happened again.

If you are concerned that it would come
Back on ds then why is he in that nursery? But sounds like they took on board what you said about nappy so why would having a word about this be any different? Tbh I think you are being a bit daft if you have this concern and don't say something.

I suppose I thought I was being ridiculous and precious, and it was nothing to worry about as he's fine when I go to pick him up. But now the consensus seems to be that it's not necessarily fine, and not normal or good practice, I shall say something this evening when I go to get him. I will make my buttocks clench and my eyes water, but he's worth it!

I bet it wont be as bad as you think

To be honest the high staff turnover rings real alarm bells for me. I would watch what is going on carefully.

Hi brettgirl. It would ordinarily ring alarm bells for me, too, but until these two girls left recently, no-one had left for three years. So I think/hope it's a blip. But yes - I shall keep an eye.

Many years ago I worked in a nursery in the 'baby' room [up to 2.5]

Children being upset/withdrawn at drop off was v common, in the majority of cases honestly they perked up as soon as the parent left [some literally as the door shut!] obviously if there are other things concerning you keep an eye on things and I too think having a word would be good.

I did it! Following AmberLeaf's comment, I couched it in terms of 'how is he after I go, as he seems so sad when I leave him'. I said that although he wasn't crying, I'd still like it if he was given attention and reassurance, and the manager said she'd talk to the girls and make sure they try harder!

So, I'm hopeful all will be well.

Hi

Thought you might like an update. Dropped him off again today (he only goes two days a week), and it couldn't have been more different. Lots of people saying hello to him, and a lovely girl helping with his breakfast, cajoling him along, etc. The manager must have had words, and it's working. Long may it last.

Must remember to thank her when I go back to get him.

Hurrah ! I love a happy update