Is this normal re starting nursery?

[IsItMeOr]

DS has started at nursery a couple of mornings a week at the beginning of October. He's 2.8mo now.

I'm really struggling with the whole thing to be honest, and while I think DS likes being at nursery, he's reluctant when he arrives and wants me to stay, and then he's upset when I arrive to pick him up.

He's also really unsettled the rest of the time at home.

I'm beginning to think that I might have made a mistake in thinking he was ready to start nursery just yet.

I've been staying with him for the first few minutes each morning, getting him engaged in something and then gently extricating myself. It takes about 10mins. The nursery staff are pressuring me to leave him straight away. This would mean physically peeling him off me, and would result in him crying. My way, he doesn't cry when I leave, although I think he may do a little after from what the staff say (they quite often contradict each other when they're telling me what's happened though).

I'm happy with my way of doing things, and think that DS will settle down in his own time. Their pressurising me to do it their way is making me begin to question whether I've chosen the right place for him.

Can anybody advise please? I can't work out if this is just my natural upset at DS going to nursery, or whether this is my instincts telling me that there's something wrong here.

Hi

He is your child, you know him best and if you feel happy staying for a bit that is what you should do- they are not the experts on your child. It sounds like he is slowly settling in but trust your instincts.

Good luck x

I think it's important to develop a routine - decide what you going to do before you drop him off then stick to it no matter how much they cry. That way they know exactly when you're going to leave and it doesn't come as a surprise. My routine with my DS is one goodbye cuddle and kiss from Mummy then hand him over to one of the nursery workers. I realised early on the longer I hung around the more I was prolonging his anxiety (this is probably what the nursery workers feel is happening in the case of you and your son and why they are asking you to leave quicker). Once you have gone they usually settle down pretty quickly - in the early days I eased my mind on this score by waiting and listening outside the door for 5 minutes or so, several times. The nursery should be happy with you doing this. One time somebody I know who works in a nursery told me that at a nursery she used to work the staff were told to tell parents their child had settled quickly whether it was true or not, so don't believe what the nursery workers tell you! Check it out for yourself.

What concerns me in your case OP is that your little boy isn't coming home in a good mood. My DS was withdrawn on coming home from nursery for the first few weeks - this, combined with the fact that he was getting very upset on being left, meant we were on the verge of pulling him out. But then we turned a corner and I'm so glad we persevered coz he loves it now, he comes home every evening in a sunny, chatty mood (he started at 2 yrs 2 mths). Are you happy with the nursery generally, does it have a good Ofsted report, membership of the NDNA and everything? If so, I would stick with it a little longer and see how things go. If there are other things bothering you maybe you should pull the plug.

It is hard to leave them. Mine just changed rooms which he found really unsettling and we went through all the crying and clinging again. You walk away and you feel like a monster. But it gets better, at least in my DS's case it has.

Why is he going to nursery?

Generally, children do settle better if the drop-off is short and sweet rather than the parent hanging around, and it can be disruptive if the staff are trying to welcome other children and get them settled if some parents are also staying.

Thanks both for your kind replies.

Cats - very interesting to hear that you had a similar experience with your DS being withdrawn for the first few weeks, but that he loves it now.

The nursery has excellent Ofsted, so it should be fine, I guess...RL friend was reminding me yesterday that however good a nursery the care is never going to be as personalised as what you do yourself. The staff seem kind and caring (and at least some have been there for many years), they have lovely toys and activities for them, snack time is great. My only gripe is that the staff don't wear name badges, but maybe there's a reason for that. Hardly a major issue.

I know that part of my difficulty is that he doesn't need to go yet, as I'm not using it as childcare so that I can work.

He's been talking today about nursery, and losing mummy and daddy, and then them coming back. It's slightly hard to always follow him, but I think he said that he likes nursery...and then added "when mummy and daddy are there". Sigh.

He woke up every hour or so in the night, needing my reassurance to get back to sleep. No sign of a bug. I'm trying to stick with the patient and gentle approach, but honestly dreading taking him to nursery tomorrow. I need to decide how I'm going to handle tomorrow, and then stick with it. Hopefully DH will be able to help me with that.

This sounds perfectly acceptable to me. It's only 10 mins after all. If the staff are really shirty about it, can you sit in the corridor instead, or somewhere where DS can see you if he wants to?

The thing we've learnt is to reassure them that you are coming back at the end. Sounds daft - OF COURSE you are, but just tell your DC that. 100 times if necessary.

good luck

Rita - x-posted with you. He's going primarily to have the chance to mix with other children his age as most of my friends' children are in nursery several days a week and it's hard to meet up with them much any more. A bonus is a bit of child-free time for me (which I could use for work, which would certainly ease the pressure elsewhere, but isn't essential).

I spend the 10mins easing him off my knee and into somebody else's care. It's not a case of him crying and my repeatedly saying goodbye and relenting. Just a gradual process whereby he's initially "just watching with mummy" (his words) until he's content to be engaged in something that's going on. He is a watcher, and not the sort to dive straight in, so this is entirely consistent with his normal behaviour. It's a quiet process, and generally the other children ignore us.

As soon as I've said goodbye, that's it, I'm out of there asap. I know that it's a distraction for him to have me there, so I guess I could stay out of sight to check what he does after I've left.

Chips - I will remember to reassure, reassure, reassure :)

If he doesn't need to go, I'd think carefully about whether it is worth the upset, especially if it is spilling into life at home. Can you take him to playgroups to mix with other kids?

My DD is extremely shy and I waited until she was turning 3 (a month ago) to start her at nursery. DH is the one that takes her but we did A LOT of talking about how Daddy would be coming back to get her and she would be making new friends and get to paint and play playdoh, etc. She did cry for the first month I would say, but literally for 2 minutes (I hear, DH would just drop her and leave and then ask when he picked her up). She doesn't cry now and is very proud of herself :) We have started a reward system with her too, if she doesn't cry she gets a lolly. Seems to be working well. DD also has her 'oofie' (stuffed dog) that she takes with her who she says "will look after me". Bless. Does your DS have a comfort toy he could take with him?

I think talking about it alot will help your DS, especially about how you are going to come back and pick him up. I personally wouldn't stay for 10 minutes coaxing him, as I think it will make things worse in the long run for you, but you know him best.

Rita - yes, that's something that's occurred to me. I'm just torn, as DS has had a taste of it now, and I'm pretty sure he does love a lot of what he does there. I think he'll miss it if we stop.

Banana - thanks, I'll try the talking even more.

I think that sometimes they just need some time to get used to it and to be absolutely sure you are going to come back for them. He's only been what, 8 times? Not many really is it? You are probably about to turn a corner with it.

I think that prolonged good bye's aren't actually very helpful for them because then they think you staying for as long as you and they want is an option when it isn't - so he thinks you are choosing to go, rather than it being somewhere that mummies just don't go - does that make sense?'

Prepare him that from now on he needs to go straight in and you need to go straight away like all the other mummy's and daddy's and that you will be back for him at x o'clock (it doesn't matter that he doesn't understand the time - it's just giving him a reassurance you wil be back).

He might cry the first few times, but he will be OK, they'll distract him and get him involved with other things.

You might want to ask if he's made any particular friends and then maybe see if that child wants to play after nursery or something - the sooner they have a friend to look forward to seeing, the better!

We had another very unsettled night again last night, and this morning DS said he didn't like nursery and didn't want to go. So I'm not going to take him today, and then we'll try again next week.

I'm planning to phone on Monday to speak to the nursery manager, as I'm thinking we might need to start again with the settling in - e.g. taking him for just an hour to start with and gradually building up to the full morning. If that doesn't work, then we'll leave it for now and try again in a few months.

The virus last week really has knocked the stuffing out of DS, and coupled with the starting nursery issues, I'm missing my confident little boy and wondering when/if we'll ever get him back .

My DS took about 6 weeks to settle in properly (started at 6mths), but even a year later can be a bit "emotional" when he gets home....I think it might just be because nursery can be quite stimulating so he's knackered when he gets back. You could try just reading a book or doing something quite/chatting for a bit to chill him out when he gets home.

Mine is good at being dropped off (only cries when his key worker isn't around...shows how much he likes me ha ha) But a friends little boy always cries, sometimes they just have different temperments. If the nursery staff say your son is happy after a little while and playing as they would expect don't worry yourself too much.

I did hear that some nurseries let you leave a coat/bag/something of yours visible so that the kid knows you'll definitely be back for it...maybe that will help?

We've been sending DS two mornings a week for three weeks. His new phrase now is "mummy come back" and when I pick him up, he says "come back!" with a massive smile. He was unsettled last week so I didnt take him but this week he was much better (I listened out of sight). When his nanny drops him off he goes running in, when I drop him off he is very clingy. I do a quick handover and always give him to his key worker. I also give him a snack on our way in which settles him a bit more too.

You will get get your boy back - part of it is you're feeling guilty (I'm guessing).

Re reading my post - I meant to say, we made a big deal of telling him I'll be coming back which really seems to help him.