Am I right to be a bit upset?

[Bumblelion]

Brief history, although my daugther is at mainstream nursery (with a statement) she also goes to a daycare nursery three afternoons a week - the days that I work.

She has been at a daycare nursery for the last 2 years or so. When she started mainstream nursery (MS) in September this year, I wanted to keep her in her daycare as she was used to the environment, had friends, knew the people, etc. Unfortunately, I received notice in July this year that on 2nd September it was closing due to lack of funds. I then had to find new daycare that would fit in with me (part time hours certain days a week).

I enquired around a few, visited them and made my choice. Not sure if I can mention names but it is Princess Christian and it is brilliant.

It was only when I had made the right decision for me and my DD that I told my boyfriend (not my children's father). My BF has a son a year younger than my DD. My BF then told me that his son attends the same daycare that I had chosen but I couldn't see there being a problem as they are in different rooms and go different days, they also know each other as they both come and stay at my house periodically.

The next thing I know is that my BF ex-girlfriend (mother of his son) - I will call her C - is on the phone to him, ranting and raging, as the daycare had felt it in their right to inform C that my DD was starting. My argument is that when any other child starts, do they inform C of this. I let this go and there has been no problem (one of her concerns was if my BF collected my DD and his son saw him but my BF will NEVER collect my DD as he doesn't finish work in time and they do not attend the same days).

Now that his son has turned 3 and my DD has turned 4, the days that his son attends has changed (now matches some of my DD days) and they are now in the same classroom. I have met C there a few times and we have been fine (I knew it was her as I recognise her son and she knew it was me as her recognised my DD). There has never been any conflict, she knows her son sleeps at my house, spends time with my children, etc.

My DD has a genetic condition called Sotos and it causes overgrowth and delayed development. Saying that, she is not THAT big and not THAT delayed. One aspect of the condition can be violence (for want of a better word) and aggression (due to frustration at communicating her needs). I have never encountered this aggression, to me my DD has never been any different to my other children except she is tall for her age and developmentally about 1 year behind (so at age 4, has a tantrum! like a 3 year old). Very rare.

On Monday at school, I got a report from her school (not daycare) - I get a daily written report - saying that they have noticed that when my DD wants something, sometimes she pushes or hits another child. When they pull my DD on it, she apologises with no problem as it is not intentional, she is just big and heavy - although this could be the start of aggressive behaviour - just have to wait and see.

Yesterday, when I collected my DD from daycare, C was in the room collecting her son. Left daycare, went home as normal. My BF came round and C rang him. C asked him how her son and my DD get on when they are together. My BF said "fine" and C mentioned that my DD had pushed her son yesterday and that nursery had mentioned it to her.

The one thing that I am upset about is that it seems that any incident that seems to involve my DD at nursery is being reported to my BF's ex-GF first and not me. If my DD is victimising (for want of a better word) another child, whether it be close friend, sibling, my BF son, I feel that I would want to be the first to know as I can then deal with it.

Would I be wrong writing a letter to the nursery telling them that I feel I should be kept informed of my child's behaviour before it is reported to any other parent.

Perhaps I am getting a bit on the defensive but, yes, my DD has a few problems, yes, she is a bit bit for her age, yes, she is a bit behind BUT she still needs me to guide her, tell her right from wrong, teach her the correct way to behave but how can I do this if I am not aware it needs doing.

Bumblelion, have you made it clear to them, that there is NO relationship between C and you? I wonder if the nursery are imagining some kind of wierd "extended family" thing going on?

Certainly I think you should be told if your dd is involved in an "incident" with another child. My dd's nursery is very strict on this, if dd has hit another child (rare!) they tell me what she did, but NOT who she did it to! Similarly, the other child's parent should be told what happened, but not who the perpetrator was.

They do know that I am with C's ex-BF and that the son comes to my house periodically but they know we are not "friends" or even "extended family". The only reason I see her son is because I am with her son's father. Other than that, we have no relationship.

Quick reply because I am going out. But the nursery seems to be overstepping the mark in terms of confidentiality. If the boy was pushed then his parents should have been informed but not which child pushed him. There was a whole thread about a little girl getting bitten a while back which touched on this. I would speak to the manager rather than write a letter at this point I think.

TBH rather than a letter I would go and see the nursery manager and explain how you feel. Go in as a concerned mummy, explain that C called you over an incident with her son that you were not aware of. I think this is totally out of order, and you should ask that if there is an issue that you be informed first.

I do collect her from nursery this evening and I think I will just mention to the manager (who is a lovely lady) my concerns. I will voice my concern that I would like to be involved of any incident where my child hurts (whether intentional or accident) another child, regardless of who that child is.

It just seemed strange to me that it was mentioned to C last night (and I got to the room while she was still there) but nothing was mentioned to me, not even on the quiet.

Surely the fact that your dd was starting at the nursery should have been kept confidential? It's no business of any of the other parents and certainly not the ex-GF's concern. I would be furious tbh.

As others have said, yes the ex-GF should have been told that her ds had been pushed but not the name of the child responsible.

I wonder whether the staff are more chatty with C, as they've known her longer, and are hence letting her know stuff she shouldn't?

I agree that talking to the manager is a better idea than writing a letter, at this point. You should be told that your DD pushed someone, but not who she pushed. She should be told that her DS was pushed, but not who pushed him. (Although, of course, by their age, they can tell you who it was, anyway.)

nqc expresses it very clearly. If any damage was done to the little boy eg he fell over and banged his knee then that should also be in the accident book. But at our nursey it is always written in the passive tense. eg "DD was involved in an argument over a toy with another child which resulted in DD being hit with the toy".

Yeah, I would mention it.

My dd was involved in an incident with another child at her nursery where 'they' ran up to her and grabbed her face, she just had a couple of scratches. When I arrived they told me about it (always saying 'another child') and I happily signed the accident book. These things happen.

I am glad they didn't tell me who it was, I wouldn't have wanted to be in any way prejudiced against another child for such a small incident.

I would definitely mention it, it is probably just that they know C more than youo at the moment, but still you are DD's mother and should be informed just as much as C is about any situations between your DD and her DS.

When my DD and her DS are together (always at my house obviously, never hers), there is never any conflict between the two (well not any more than you would normally expect between two children of the same age). My DD ALWAYS shares her toys with him, very willingly, even giving him the toy he wants and her going off to play with something else. Because of the report that I got on Monday from her school about her pushing other children out of the way, I think I am a bit defensive on her behalf because obviously I know my DD very well, am sympathetic towards her "problems" (but not detrimentally and I don't let her get away with behaviour that I would not find acceptable in my other children), but I DO need to be made aware of any situation that involves her "bad" behaviour.

Sorry, meant also to say thank you to you all for responding. I have 3 children and I don't think I am an over-protective mother (I know their faults and mine!) but sometimes I think "am I over-reacting her because of her condition?". If it was one of my other children (who do not have problems), and I wasn't told, would I be so upset? Actually, I think I would.

yes write the letter. but they shold not tell other parents who the child is who has pushed that is wrong and unfair

Actually if he is a year younger and she is a year delayed they should be fairly much on a level so potentially good playmates. Of course, you are not over-reacting. The nursery staff are, in effect, gossiping about your DD and that is not on.

Bozza, you are correct. He has just turned 3, my DD has just turned 4 but on the griffiths scale she came out at age 3. The only difference is the height and the size of my DD obviously. They do get on very well.