HELP ds2 very distressed at nursery today :-(

[mosschops30]

i started ds2 (17 months) at nursery before easter. My main reason was because he was clingy to the point of me not even being able to pee without him, and i felt he needed interaction with other children because hes cared for by family on the days i work.
He did seem to be settling, he even ate there one day, although still cried when i left him and when i picked him up.

Then he had two weeks off due to illness (his and mine), wen back on monday for an hour and spent 45 minutes sitting on one of the carers kaps.
Today he was there for 2 hours including lunch, and they said he was so distressed at lunch they had to take him out and calm him down.
Then this afternoon he was too upset to sleep even at home, until he fnally dropped off in the buggy at 4.30

So what should i do? Persevere?

IMO his need to feel secure is much stronger than his need to interact with other children. At 17m he barely registers other children. I would not persevere now, I would take him out of nursery for 6 months minimum and then try again when he is older and starting to enjoy other children more. Assuming you are lucky enough to still have family care that is.

But im taking him to nursery fir my sanity and so that i can get out and do an hour at the gym or swim.
He only goes 3 times a week for 1-2 hours.
My other 2 dcs went to a childminder and were much better at this age

He may just have had a bad day today, when you take him next stay with him until he is happy for you to leave, you may have to do this a few times, but it will get better. The sanity of a parent is worth it to your child at the end of the day. Good luck.

He goes for an hour on friday so i'll see how it goes then.
They like to take him off me and i leave so it doesnt prolong the agony, but as i walk across the car park they are usally carrying him out to the garden and wave to me and i can hear that hes settled.
When i picked him up today he was running about in the garden with a ball, it was just the lunchtime he found distressing. And he cries when he sees me

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought you meant you were taking him away from family carers eg grandparents to go to nursery. If that is the case I would not do it, but if it is extra time for you then I suppose it depends on how hard he makes the rest of the day by being upset and clingy! He is still a baby really and if he is cared for by family whilst you are at work it is understandable that he wants you at other times - not that it is wrong of you to want to go to the gym, of course that is good for your sanity. Do you have a gut feeling about it? Do you see him settling soon or do you see this continuing for a long time?

I only work 2 12 hour shifts a week, and one of them is a night shift so hes at home with dh then. So really he only has one day away from me with my ILs.
I dont have any problems with the nursery, its very well respected locally and has an excellent reputation.
I dont know if he will settle though, my friends dd cries every day she goes to nursery and has been going for nearly 2 years

Maybe he is too little, and if he is suffering from separation anxiety at the moment then sending him to nursery will make it worse.

You obviously want him to go, it will do him no harm to be left at the nursery, i think the nursery nurses are right to take him straight away and you go, otherwise it does drag on and make it worse. You say he was doing well, but then had a big gap, this is bound to upset him and it is almost like you have to re settle him all over again. Does he have any comfort items that you can leave with him, dummy, muslin, teddy? Or you could wear a muslin for a while so it smells of you, this could comfort him. You also say he's eaten there previously, i think he will again, could you bring in food for him that you know he will eat?

You said he played, which is great, something to work on you know he can, so must do it when your not there.

Also begin to increase his time at nursery, build it up from an hour to two, then to a morning, repeat each level till you feel confident enough to leave him for longer.

I was going to say something else but can't remember will think and come back

3 times a week at 1/2 hours is very confusing and upsetting for a 17 month old. It's ok if it were a settling in time at a childminders or nursery but for this to continue long-term, might be different.

17 months is classic separation anxiety and they don't really want to interact with other children at this stage.

Can't you do your exercise at home (while child is asleep)?

I used to do an hours dancing to my old records when my kids were younger - even now when all three are in their teens, I don't get the chance to swim or gym!

i agree with theprovinciallady

leaving him when he is clearly upset and needs you is NOT going to make him less clingy, if anything it will do the opposite.
I can understand that you need a break sometimes, but I don't think that you're doing him or yourself any favours by continuing if he really isn't happy or settling there.

it's probably normal separation anxiety, which will pass quicker if he knows you are there when he needs you iyswim?

Im sorry but i dont believe in children being with you all the time. Like i said dd and ds1 went to a chilminder (from 3m and 10m) and have turned into very independent well rounded individuals.
The woman who runs the nursery said that 3 x 1 hr sessions a week was better than one morning or afternoon a week because the break is too long and he would forget.
He was much better today

Oh good i am so glad for you mosschop30, yes she is right that the three sessions would be better, as the frequency of going will help him settle, when i suggested a morning, i meant as in building it up to several mornings a week, not just once a week.

Thanks cookie, i dont want him to go for several mornings because i dont need it,and cant afford it lol.
Hes got another hour on monday then he stays for lunch again on wednesday so fingers crossed
today was great he cried when they took him but before id even crossed the path he was happily playing in thegarden

Yay, that is such positive news. Yes i thought when you said the hours i thought it may come down to money or need. Consistency and time is usually the best medicine for settling children in.

Glad there's improvement. If you find the nursery isnt' working, have you thought about changing to a nanny for a few hours a day? Maybe he would be more comfortable at home rather than in a different environment. I believe there are nannies who do before and after school care that would be happy to do a few hours during the day.

I personally think its too young to leave him unless you absolutely have too, when he clearly isn't happy. I did the same thing to my daughter who is now 2 and a half and I really regret it. I left her from she was 6 months until she was 20 months and although generally she did get better about me leaving her she was never completely at ease and I really don't think it was giving her any benefit than what i could not give her myself. She was able to start a local playgroup when she turned 2 for two hours a day which she absolutely loves as she no longer suffers from separation anxiety. She hasn't cried once since she started in January and she only goes two mornings a week.

I hope i haven't caused you any offence, just telling you what my feelings are now with the benefit of hindsight!

also, would your family member who normally cares for him be able to take him to some activities where he can interact with other children such as mums and tots or jo jingles? We did baby ballet from 18 months and there were three or four boys as it is more little songs with actions and not so much dancing!