DS is being excluded by other children at nursery - what do I need to get the staff to do about it?

[NorkyButNice]

I always ask DS what he's done at nursery every day and recently he's been a bit evasive, giving one word answers like "drawing" or "dancing" whereas I used to get 15 minute stories about adventures in the garden with all his mates.

Yesterday I asked who he'd played with and he said "Nobody", so I said "You must have played with someone" and he said "No, no-one ever lets me play with them", so I just gave him a big cuddle and said that if that were the case he'd have to tell a teacher and that they'd be sure to find him the best game to play. I wasn't too worried, as he'd said his before at his previous nursery, and at this one, and both times when I checked they looked gob-smacked, said he was life and soul of the class, and invited me to look in anytime I wanted. Sure enough, he was having a ball with all his friends.

When I dropped him off this morning, I asked his key-worker about what he said last night, and she confirmed that for the past 3 or 4 weeks, she's noticed that he's been complaining about being excluded from games, that he's finding it hard to socialise with the other children, and that they are excluding him for silly reasons such as (get this) his CURLY HAIR.

I almost sobbed on the doorstep - my poor little man (he's only 3!).

What should I do? SHe said that they always have a group chat about how everyone is allowed to play any game, and how it's not nice to exclude anyone.

Is there anything else I can do?

bump?

I would say that the nursery needs to be much more proactive in terms of modelling desirable behaviour, not just telling kids what's nice and not nice. Your son's key worker should be identifying activities that he likes and is good at and setting things up to include him and some other children. They should also be working with all the children around age appropriate empathy and how to assert themselves should someone behave towards them in a way they don't like.

If a child is being excluded, the adults around have a responsibility to actively engage him with other children and with him themselves.

Hm. I am really surprised that children of this age are doing this - they are generally too young to deliberately exclude others. It sounds like bullying behaviour, and children of 3 just don't do it, as a general rule.

The only thing I can think of, and I may be way off target here, is whether your son is finding it hard to conform to the peer group behaviour, and is being excluded more because he finds it hard to join in appropriately? I am also interested in the fact that he started to feel this way BEFORE the other children started to actually treat him like this.

How long has he been going to the nursery? Is it joined to the school he will be going to, or a private nursery? Frankly if there is a problem then the nursery staff should be working with you to help him approach others and join in appropriately, and should be actively involving him in other children's games. Discussion about "how we don't leave other people out" are not sufficient with 3 year olds. He may need an adult to be actively engaged with him and the children he is interacting with until he settles back down again.

In terms of what you can do, you can ask what they have put in place to ensure that your son (and other kids) aren't excluded and what work they are doing with children re personal comments and assertiveness. I would expect more than a 'group chat'; this may well be a temporary situation as friendship groups are very fluid at that age, but it's definitely needs some adult intervention.