Firsts at nursery?

[Flossie69]

Hi there - need some reassurance and/or reality check from all you lovely MN ladies out there.

I am having a major wobble about DD starting at nursery in just under 2 months time, when she will be 1 yr old. This was brought on by my Dsis, who is Mrs Perfect, and didn't leave any of her three with anyone until they were 2.5yrs, as she did not need to go back to work. I her "supportive" mode, she asked me how I would feel if DD takes her first steps at nursery, or says Mama for the first time at nursery. Does this happen? How do the nursery staff handle this? And how did you handle this?

She also asked how, after all the years of waiting and the trauma of giving birth, I could give such a beautiful and perfect daughter over to someone else.

Please could you give me some perspective, as I am sure I am doing the right thing, but am having a major wobble.

BTW DD will be at nursery 4 days a week, from about 8.30am, until about 3pm initially, and then my hours may increase slightly.

TIA :)

How awful of your sis to say such things, she sounds horrible.

My DD is 14 mo and goes to nursery for 2 days per week, all day. She absolutely loves it, is very fond of the staff there, esp her key worker, does things I definitely probably wouldn't do with her at home (stamping around in painty porridge or something) and enjoys the outdoor equipment there, I sometimes drive past and see her in the playground climbing and having fun . She eats better than she does at home (peer pressure?) and often doesn't want to leave.
Its a change from being with boring old mummy all day, and I get to go to work, earn money, and talk to adults, so that when I do have her on my days off, I'm a nice mummy and we do nice things together.

The staff are discreet as anything and even if she has spoken/taken a few steps there, they'd never tell me - why would they? So I'm none the wiser and get to see all her 'firsts' myself.

You are doing the right thing, and DSis isn't Mrs Perfect if she is undermining you like this.

Mine all went to nursery between 8 and 10 months. They were all fine.

I agree with stressheaderic: they did lots of messy stuff there that would have stressed me out at home, had loads more things and friends to play with and were happy there (didn't always want to leave at the end of the day). If you've found a place you like, there's no reason to assume your DD will have anything other than a positive experience.

Chances are you won't miss the first words or first steps - but even if you did, does it matter? You could just as easily miss them the day you left them at Granny's or with DH/DP for a couple of hours.

I hope that my DS will form great relationships with many people in his life (with friends, grandparents, teachers, nursery workers) and none of them will replace me. There's nothing more wonderful than turning up at the end of the day and seeing his face light up as he shouts 'Mama!' across the room. Sometimes he comes running over, sometimes he wants me to come and play with him. And I love that he'll go and give his key worker a hug, or blow her a kiss/wave as we leave, because it makes me realise how happy he is at nursery.

He's there 8 till 4:30 five days a week and has all three meals there. I freaked out the week before he started (aged 1) because I didn't want him to have so few meals at home, but he always comes home to a drink and a snack (while I have a cuppa) before we play until DH comes home.

I missed his first crawl because he was getting ready for bathtime with DH and I missed his first step because it was my weekend morning lie-in. Neither to do with nursery! And although I was a little disappointed at the time, there have been so many other firsts that were more important - his first words/signs, first giggles, first time he stopped while eating a snack to say 'nice', first time he ran to hug his grandparents, first time we saw sheep while out on a walk.

I have friends who have had the desire/luxury/grandparents to not use nurseries and they sometimes say things like your Dsis inadvertently, not realising how vulnerable we are to such suggestions that we're in some way not as caring as them. Don't ever let someone make you feel like you've just thrown your child out the car window as you've waltzed off to work - you've carefully selected somewhere your child will be happy and well-looked after while you go and do a job that enables you to be a happy and relaxed mum. Spending time with your DS is about quality not quantity.

I've also found that nursery staff are always keen to tell me a little anecdote about his day - something he said, who he played with or what he wanted to look at in the garden - so I feel like I do know what he does during the day.

Hope that helps.

Thank-you lovely ladies for your kind encouraging words :)

I still feel sad that I have to come on an internet forum, and not hear them from some-one who is meant to be close to me, but I do find the advice and encouragement on Mumsnet sometimes much more real than "RL". I think my sister needs a reality check!

If I think rationally, I know I am doing the right thing - I will enjoy going back to work, I will be the right side of the line financially, and DD's nursery is really fabulous, and I think she will love going there. I just hope the settling in process is kind to both of us. :)

babybouncer thank you so much for your post. My DS will be going to nursery when he is 10 months (in about 3 months time) and I'm starting to really feel quite upset about it. We have no option but for me to work, and I was also worried about the 'firsts' issue, but you make a good point in regards to missing them at home too! I know DS will be happy at nursery, and I think I'll appreciate the money and hte time to myself, I guess it's just that this is one of the first 'grown-up' things that we've faced. My baby is growing up!

My DD is at nursery and loves it. She has been there since the age of 6 months. She has learnt so much and some of her 'firsts' have been taught to her by the staff. DD crawled for the first time at nursery. Her key worker was so excited to show me when I arrived to pick her up.
Everyone has an opinion in childcare and it has to be what is right for your family. Hope it works out well.

Some lovely mums on here.. Your dsis doesnt have her children charge across a room full pelt screaming mummy mummy I missed you today whilst beaming happily and giving you the best hug ever when you collect at nursery. My DD loved nursery. She is so social. She came home singing new songs I never thought of singing. Messy art! Putting her coat on by lying it on floor and tossing it over her head. So many things I never thought of!
Part time working is best of both worlds.

Firsts virtually never happen at nurseries. Funny that, considering the children could be there for 10 hours, 5 days a week. It's almost as if staff lie about it, which we never do of course!

First time she says mama is irrelevant to anyone else, only time it is important is when she says it to you , YOU are her mama ! And you will hear it plenty !
Don't let anyone make you feel bad you are providing for your family.

As for the first steps, I was honestly never apart from my DD more than a total of 9 hours in the first year through circumstances ....she still managed to do her first steps for my Dad when I popped round to the shop.........

Good luck

Firsts do happen at Nurseries, its not irrelevent to the staff, it means a lot to a quality staff member who has spent hours over weeks and months working with parents to get the child to make its first steps.

I was Also worried about the firsts issue when DS started nursery. They gave me the option of either me wanting to know or not. I'd rather know. Turns out DS did do his first 2 steps alone just days before his 1st birthday with his key worker, who was so excited to tell me at the time. But, then he did nothing again until over a month later at home with me, where he just started walking. It's still a first for you, and that is what is important.

DS LOVES his nursery, and does things there I wouldn't think or dare do at home, especially messy play. He sometimes comes home filthy but if he's had fun then I don't care. They did baking last week, I'd never think of doing baking at 17 months!

If I can advise one thing is to not dress your little one in best clothes, not worth it. I buy cheap (but nice) joggings and jeans and t-shirts (asda, tesco 3 tops for £5 sort of thing) So not worth ruining new or good clothing, I've learned the hard way from in the early weeks. Sometimes no amount of protection they put them in can protect clothing.