Please tell me your success stories of settling a 13month into nursery. It's not going well. :(

[Thandeka]

Poor 13month old DD. I am a freelancer and I have been working since she was 3months old. Initially childcare was ex students who she loved. Then we moved to near grandparents so was Granny for 2 days a week which she also loved. Then we moved to nr DH's new job and have been without childcare for last 8 weeks and unable to work and its driving me mad (Hats off to SAHM's but I just don't think I have the strength to be one!).

So we started settling her in Nursery- DD is such a social baby and we thought nursery rather than childminder would be better as she can interact with more peers (at baby and toddler groups I don't see her for dust!). So first visit went well- I didn't see her for dust but stayed in the room. Second visit I stayed for half an hour then I left her for an hour but she was very upset for the hour. Third visit I left her for an hour again and although she was fine in the baby room without me when they were taken to the kitchen for snack time she got very very upset (new room didn't like it). So today I take her for snack time and stay with her in the kitchen so she can settle in there but when we go back to the baby room she is very upset and won't let go of me at all- there is no chance I can even try and leave her as she just gets hysterical (so its actually got worse not better! :(

So new plan of action is we are going every afternoon this week just to the baby room for an hour and if she is happy I will go for a little bit and come back. The nursery suggest sneaking off when she is busy but I don't really like doing that as think would be better for mummy to say bye and then hello- so DD will eventually learn that mummy may go away but does always come back. The other way seems cruel to me.

I'm having real doubts about settling her into nursery- the nursery is fab but her keyworker seems quite inexperienced, and I am just not sure how I can ever get her to the stage of going two days a week and being happy there. (We haven't even tried naptime yet!- sigh). I just don't know what to do for the best- obviously moving 3 times in last 6months (including 2 moves in last 2 months) haven't helped her settle and I want to bring up a happy secure little girl but I also need to work two days a week for my own sanity- and at the minute the two seem mutually exclusive. Its also completely the wrong age to try and settle her- either needed to be 6/7months or 2ish as I think those ages are easier.

Sob. Any suggestions/ success stories welcome.

Sorry for length of post- can you tell she is my PFB? ;)

anyone?

Oh bless you. Ok, my DS was a terrible settler and i'm a nursery manager.

Its very usual for 1st visit to be great and next few less so as they start to realise what will happen. I do not agree that sneaking out is a good idea, i think your right, although some parents have insisted and it works for them. i agree that saying goodbye helps form trust otherwise as soon as you get there she will panic your going to disappear. Try to follow same routine each time so she knows what to expect. I would perserve for a few weeks (if you can) and see what happens, it should get easier.

If after that time rethink your options, perhaps a childminder (they get plenty of socialisation), i wish i had when DS was small but felt obligated to carry on as it was my nursery and i felt it looked bad if i pulled him out. He loves nursery now but we were both miserablef or too long

Good luck

My ds went to nursery for first time at 12mths and hadn't been left with anyone other than dh (for short periods) before, I was v worried that he wouldn't settle. His pattern was slightly odd in that for the settling in week and then the first 4 wks or so he was fine, didn't seem bothered at all about me leaving him there but then after about a month he started getting very upset when I left him and screaming lots. However the carers said he did stop crying within 5mins of me leaving. After a month or so of that he was fine and started waving bye to me - he's now been there a year and starts saying bye mummy before I've even left, talks about his nursery friends all the time and tries to get back into the nursery when we leave in the eve! So I think he likes it there he goes 3 days a wk

My approach has always been to make the leaving as quick and straightforward as possible so just go into the room with him, say hi to keyworker and make sure he's sitting down for breakfast and then give him a quick kiss, say bye and leave and not go back again if he cried (in the early days I would stand outside peering through the window crying myself). It seems to have worked for us. When I did settling in with him parents were encouraged to not stay after the first day as it can be confusing for the child whereas if they get used to nursery as somewhere that mummy isn't then it's easier for them to settle iykwim.

If you're concerned about his keyworker's lack of experience can you talk to the senior in the room and ask him/her to keep an eye on
your dd and help with the settling?

Other things I found helped were having the same routine (as far as possible) at home as they have in nursery so that it remained familiar, talking positively about nursery a lot (not needed now he does it himself ) and ensuring that the keyworker knew exactly how he needed to be settled/cuddled/calmed down etc.

However not every child is suited to nursery and if your dd really doesn't settle after a few weeks and is crying a lot during the day rather than just at drop off/pick up then maybe you should look at alternatives?

Hth

Good luck

Thanks that helps- will persevere over next two weeks but if no improvement have no idea what we will do- have been in tears tonight about how upset she was.
Sob.

hiya, i am a childminder and would reccommend you always say goodbye,it does form trust they soon learn that you will return. Also,just to say, as a childminder i am out everyday with the little ones and they get so much socialisation whether it be softplay,playgroup,childminders meeting we have at least one of these a day and they makes their friends so worse case scenario it doesn't work out perhaps take the childminder route. Im sure she'll settle soon just relax and she'll be fine i just wanted to let you know there are alternatives that are just as good as nurseries!

Thandeka; what area are you in?

Childminder is probably much better option (we are in Bath), but will give it another week or two and see how we get on....

It can take a while at that age as they're so much more aware of what is going on than they would have been at a few months younger. DD was 14 months when she started nursery and took a good few weeks to settle. For the first month, she cried as soon as we got to the car park, screamed at drop off and cried intermittently throughout the day. She didn't really eat for the first week or so. Over the second month, first she stopped crying in the car park, then she started being on good form and having fun during the day and then she finally stopped the screaming at drop off. Three months in, she walks in without a backward glance and sometimes has to be dragged away in the evening. Of a morning, when we go "nursery today" she goes and gets her coat, shoes and cuddly and stands by the door going "Car" and "Sal" (the name of her key worker).

We were lucky as the nursery were really good at helping her to settle. Can you speak to the room manager or the manager of the whole nursery. I'm sure they'll already be aware that your DD is struggling to settle. DD's key worker spent a lot of time asking me about what we did at home. They realised she liked being out in the pram (we used to go for a long walk each day when I was at home) so was taken out each morning and afternoon, they realised she liked being outside so, even though the non-walkers (DD didn't walk when she was first there), didn't spend much time in the garden in Jan they used to send DD out with the toddlers & pre-schoolers, they realised DD was happier with the door open (our house is open plan downstairs), so they kept the door open and put a stair gate up so no one could escape, they encouraged us to bring in things from home so she had her own things around her - she ended up with some of my and DP's clothes, a couple of indestructible ornaments from the sitting room, some wooden coasters she'd always enjoyed playing with and one of those talking photo albums with photos of me, DP, the house, her cot etc which was kept in a box on the floor which she had free access to. Obviously other children could access it too but I think DD soon saw them off if they tried! Apparently, she'd often arrange these things in a circle and sit in the middle of them. Its only when I write it down that I realise how much they did do for her.

I did consider removing her from the nursery but I couldn't really see what good that would do. I was loving being back at work, we can't afford for DP to give up work & grandparents are miles away so care was obviously going to be outside the home and we hadn't found a childminder with spaces and I couldn't see how another nursery would be different as our problem was getting DD used to being away from me rather than an issue with the nursery itself.

I was always encouraged to say good bye & give her a kiss but then leave quickly & never look back or think about going back. At her first settling session, I was there for the first 20 mins but from them on was just encouraged to drop her off and leave.

I hope your DD settles soon. It is so hard whilst they are unsettled. I am sure she will develop into a happy, secure little girl. I find it so sweet that DD now runs over to her friends in the morning and that she knows things I haven't taught her and has just developed so much since being there.

Thanks Murtette I really appreciate you posting. DD hasn't been in over a week now as her keyworker has been off ill and so settling in hasnt been able to happen- too difficult to try her on someone knew when whole point is getting her bonded with her keyworker. Sigh. At least she had a nap there on her last visit which is a breakthrough I think.

But no idea when we are going to be able to get her started properly. Very glad your DD is okay with it now!