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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

ostricised at nursery

22 replies

evenafterall · 17/03/2011 12:51

As I was picking my daughter from the nursery, a girl who also attends, came up and told me that nobody liked my daughter or wanted to play with her.

I have been aware for a while that she seems to play by herself all the time, and have raised this with her key worker and other staff, and was reassured at every point that my daughter seems very happy there just plays on her own. She also often talks about another child hurting her or taking her things away from her. When I asked the staff about that they said that this may have been a problem in the past n=but that they resolved it now. (not that they advised me of it when it was happening!)

It is also true that she never wants to go to nursery, at the start of each day always asks if she can stay at home or come to work with me instead. I just assumed that this was the usual preference for the parent over institution.

My daughter just turned three. I am really worried that I am forcing her to go to this nursery where she is probably having an awful time, and feel really angry and frustrated that I'm paying through the nose for this. I want to up the ante and raise this with management in the next couple of days. Help! Has anybody had a similar problem that they managed to resolve?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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blinks · 17/03/2011 12:53

i think i may have headbutted the woman.

what a bastardish thing to say.

are there any other nurseries in the area?

Original poster

evenafterall · 17/03/2011 13:04

Alas it was only another toddler. If it were an adult I would have beheaded them too!
The only other place in the area has a Terrible Past that featured in newspapers.

OP posts:

Original poster

evenafterall · 17/03/2011 14:47

Sorry Ostracised

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colditz · 17/03/2011 14:50

Don't listen to what other toddlers say about your toddler, unless there is considerable evidence to back it up.

YOUR toddler may be realistic and reasonable at all times, but not everyone's is. Ds2 wasn't - he told me some OUTRAGEOUS lies when he was 3, however he perceived what he was saying to be true.

2cats2many · 17/03/2011 14:51

How horrible for you (and your daughter).

I would insist on a meeting with the centre manager and her key worker to go through your concerns and hear what action they plan to take to make your daughter's time at nursery more enjoyable.

They have to take this seriously and do something about it. Children that age often do go into cliches, but this can easily be turned around through the sensitive intervention of the staff.

BigusBumus · 17/03/2011 14:52

Has the place with the bad past sorted itself out now? Because I would be tempted to move her. Lifes too short, if she's not happy there, nothing you do will change that....

Or howabout a childminder? Perhaps she would be happier in a home environment with just one or 2 other kids there?

Original poster

evenafterall · 17/03/2011 15:05

I think I might go down the manager route and ask them to explain to me what is happening exactly and what thy are planning to do about it. Don;t they have some obligation to ensure that my dd is happy?

They don't seem to be every proactive there. The bad nursery had a nicer feel about it but the past was bad so it put me off.

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Pancakeflipper · 17/03/2011 15:11

Please see the manager. Don't expect answers straight away as a good manager will have a talk with the main carers on what's going on.

If it's nothing and your daughter is one of those kids who prefers her own company ( nothing wrong with that though us parents do get anxious about it) then you are reassured. If they can improve things for your daughter then that's good too.

Don't focus too much on what this other toddler is spouting on about.

Original poster

evenafterall · 17/03/2011 15:26

Thanks but what the other toddler is saying seems to, erm,corroborate with my own suspicions. Is it even possible for kids between 3 - 4 to deliberately ostracise another toddler?

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cookielove · 17/03/2011 19:03

I have known many a 3-4 year old, to lie about another, and to really believe what they are saying it is true. If you have your own suspicions, then do speak to the manager, but i would take what this child said with a pinch of salt.

I work in a nursery, if a child doesn't settle, or has had a difficult day we always inform the parent, when she leaves you in the morning, is she always upset, does she eat during the day? Does she bring home any art work? Do you have a learning journey? Do you have any photos of her day at nursery? When you pick her up does she burst into tears and can't bear to leave you? Is she clingy on days not at nursery?

ExitPursuedByALamb · 17/03/2011 19:14

Hi evenafterall - I read your post earlier when it had no responses and didn't reply as it raised loads of issues for me. My DD is now 11 and is a delightful child, but she is simply not one of the 'popular' girls, and never has been. When she was at nursery I used to feel so sorry for her as all the other girls would walk around holding hands, and push her away. Nothing has really changed since then. Yes she has friends, yes she gets invited to parties, sleepovers etc, but she will always be the one who is last to be picked for teams, has to sit next to the spare person on the coach etc etc. It breaks my heart, but it really does not bother her that much.

The thing that struck me about your post was that you wanted to take issue with the nursery rather than worrying about why your child was not liked, which is absolutely the right repsonse but not the one I ever have, as I am far to emotional about everything.

I suppose what I really wanted to say was that yes, children of that age can ostracise others, but it may be of no concern to your daughter. By all means speak to the nursery management but nothing you do can make your child popular with others.

Can you build a relationship with other parents from the nursery and arrange for your DD to play with their children. I find by cultivating other parents and having other girls round for tea helps to establish relationships for my DD and gives her common ground with other children.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 17/03/2011 19:20

evenafterall - sadly, yes, it is possible for small children to do that - especially girls. I wouldn't be concerned if one of those things was happening - but all of them? It sounds highly likely that something really isn't as it should be. As they have just dismissed you in the past and not told you things they should have - do you have any trust in them (not that they're doing anything bad just not really engaging DD or being honest with you about what's happening).

Do they have a waiting list or are the low on numbers?

I would seriously consider finding a childminder and a different nursery for just a few sessions a week to help her with the transition to school.

Original poster

evenafterall · 18/03/2011 20:24

Hi everybody thanks for all your really good replies. They really made me think!

Exitpursuedbyalamb I have so much empathy for what you are saying. It breaks my heart too to see my dd all alone.

I raised this with the management who told me that a lot of children their age prefer their own company. I thought that was laughable and insisted that a 3 yr old can't make a rational decision like an adult would to be on her own. I suggested that I would expect them to socialise her in an active sort of way rather than just leave her be where she is clearly miserable. I don't want her to grow up feeling that she is different and not know why, because once this pattern will set she will find it really hard later in life to behave any differently.

In the meantime she attends a couple of classes a week (drama, dance) with her grandmother while I am at work, and she is quite confident and outgoing there. She will be going to another girls birthday party soon. I will try to arrange more when that comes up.

She does bring artwork back from nursery quite regularly. But she sucks her thumb a lot and has accidents a lot. I don't really see her on the photo wall much. In the mornings evenings and weekends she follows me around the house and keeps a close eye on me lest I disappear. When she wakes up she says: today is not a nursery day mommy I want to stay home with you.

I can't wait for preschool in September.

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mummyosaurus · 18/03/2011 20:39

Could you try and find a nice childminder instead? Perhaps she's a homebody and would prefer a smaller setting with one or two other children?

I hope she is happier soon.

mummyosaurus · 18/03/2011 20:41

I also really love this book, about the little princess making friends at school:

www.amazon.co.uk/Little-Princess-I-Want-Friend/dp/000721491X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300480826&sr=8-1

Original poster

evenafterall · 18/03/2011 20:43

She started off with a childminder. Who had her watching tv for 6 months pretty much all day long. Maybe that explains it?

Thanks mummysourus I will get that book it looks great

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Georgimama · 18/03/2011 20:45

I was going to say childminder as well. I'm not sure why so many people seem to prefer nursery settings - they are more expensive and more rigid and there are many children that they don't suit. DS was fine at nursery until he got to 18 months and then he hated it.

In some ways the nursery manager is right - some children are quieter and prefer their own company, or the company of a few well known people, to being in a larger group. I know I do.

Please don't wait for September, do something about this now.

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 20:46

One rubbish childminder doesn't mean they all are. If you received bad service in a shop would you never go in another one again?

Original poster

evenafterall · 18/03/2011 20:52

Good point! I am not maligning childminders per se. But I am really into accountability and feel that I just could not bring myself to trust one person on their own to look after DD. At least in that nursery they watch each other so no one can (theoretically) do anything too bad to anyone. Plus I think that given some encouragement and confidence boosts she could flourish in that kind of a setting.

I will watch this very closely and if she is still unhappy try and take her somewhere else. But she is only really ever happy surrounded by family unit.

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Georgimama · 18/03/2011 20:55

TBH from your description of her it sounds like she would flourish in a (good) childminder setting, not a nursery. But it's entirely up to you.

mummyosaurus · 18/03/2011 21:24

If you do decide to look into a childminder cast around for recommendations. I've found the best ones don't advertise, they are usually full from word of mouth recommendations.

Have you looked at any other nurseries in the area? This one doesn't sound good to me.

I hope you and your DD are much happier soon. I agree with the other posters, don't accept this as ok for your lo.

chitchatingagain · 20/03/2011 12:43

At age 3 a lot of children don't really play 'with' each other, but often play 'alongside' each other and slowly learn to play together.

I know the issues for boys and girls tend to be a bit different, but I used to be a bit worried for my DS as he was always hesitant to play with others. I arranged for some 'play dates' with other boys (and a few girls!) and by allowing him to play one on one with others he gradually got better at playing together rather than playing alongside. It wasn't easy, mind you. Some of those play dates were pretty awful, and needing a lot of supervision. But I liked the other mums and that helped!!!

Now those boys are his 'best friends' at nursery, and I'm nervous that he's not learning to play with other children, but hey ho, one step at a time!!!!

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