bullying at nursery?

[elportodelgato]

I'm not sure where to post this but just wondered if anyone has had a similar experience and how they dealt with it.

DD is 2.4 and is fulltime in nursery - she has been there since 11mo and has always loved it, has some lovely friends there, we really like the staff. When she was in the baby room she had a real attachment to a little boy who is about 3 months younger than her - she can be quite bossy and he was quite 'biddable' at that age but they seemed to have a nice relationship, she talked about him lots at home. I have met him mum lots of times, we get along well and always stop to have a chat if we pass at drop-off / pick-up time.

Anyway, when DD turned 2 she moved up to the next room and has settled in really well making some strong bonds with some of the other children and still enjoying it there. 3 months later, this little boy also moved up but he seems to be a completely different character now. He is physically quite big for his age but he's not very verbal yet and my DD is clearly really intimidated and upset by him. He gets very close to her, kind of stands over her and I have seen him hit her, slap her etc with no provocation whatsoever. When he gets close to her (sometimes he kind of corners her) she starts making this awful noise that I have never heard her use before and she gets completely panicked and anxious. I have never seen her like this and it is so so upsetting. The times I have been there and seen this, I have got right down to their level and pulled her out of the situation. I have tried to make eye contact with the little boy and explain to him that she doesn't like it when he gets so close but as he's not as verbal as her I'm not sure if he is understanding me but I get no signal of comprehension from him. When I come in he often comes and takes my hand or grabs my leg and I think this upsets her more as she starts saying 'that's my mummy, not your mummy!' and trying to get him away from me.

I have been trying to have a proper meeting with her key worker to talk about this since it started a few weeks ago but we have kept missing each other. However from the conversations I have had I know that the staff are aware of what is going on. I think he is like this with a lot of the other kids too but more so with my DD - I'm not sure if it's because of her strong reaction to him or because they used to be so close when they were younger and he is just more interested in her. The nursery workers say that they think he is trying to be friendly but he gets upset that she doesn't want to play with him any more and also not being as verbal means that instead he lashes out physically. They try very hard to keep the separate but of course it's difficult in a room of toddlers. I saw him hit her really hard on the face this evening - she was just standing there holding my hand waiting to leave, not doing anything and he lashed out. She was understandably really inconsolable. I have been very clear with her that hitting is completely unacceptable, it's one of the few things I have been incredibly stern about so this must be hugely confusing for her.

I have tried giving her some tactics to deal with him - saying that if he comes up to her and she doesn't want to play with him or he is not being nice she should say NO very loudly and then walk away. The nursery staff are telling her the same thing. She is such a lovely sparky bright little thing and it breaks my heart to see her so cowered by him and I don't know how to equip her to deal with it

Thank god it was raining this afternoon as I cried all the way home I just feel so sad for her and so powerless.

What else do you think I can do? What do you think I should be asking the nursery staff to do to help? I haven't seen this boy's mum since it all started and in a way I'm really glad because I don't know what to say to her or how she feels about it.

I'd really appreciate some advice. I know I've got to let my DD work out these kinds of things to some extent with me helping her from the sidelines, but I feel she's just so tiny and helpless. It honestly just feels like bullying and I am heartbroken.

:( How sad for you and your dd.

I would go in and speak to the manager / room leader and say that you want them to monitor it and step in as soon as it appears there is a problem - yes they are toddlers but it's not fair on your daughter for this to continue happening.

Clearly there is a problem and it is for the nursery staff to resolve. If he has such behavioural problems then he needs closer supervision than he appears to be getting. It is for them to resolve, not for your dd to learn how to deal with it.

I doubt that the child's actions are deliberate in the sense of him understanding the effect he is having so accusing him of bullying is wrong imo.

Thanks for the advice, I agree it's something they need to deal with better than they have been doing so far. It is very unfair to expect my DD to spend every day in a place where she is at threat from physical violence. The thing which reassures me slightly is that she is still keen to go there in the mornings and it is not affecting her behaviour or her sleep.

I'm going to speak to them today

It's not bullying, but it does need sorting. Of course she shouldn't have to be dealing with it at her age, bless her.
Hope you get some joy from the nursery.

Just wanted to say that we experienced something similar with our DD. It also involved another child that she had been in baby room with and started when they went up a room. In fact, I started a thread with a similar title a few months ago to try and get some advice. In our case, DD stopped wanting to go to nursery and even asked one morning "is X going to hit me today?"

I hope the staff at your nursery have been able to reassure you. In our case we told DD to shout "no - I don't like that" every time the other child did something to her and to immediately tell a staff member. It turned out that the behaviour wasn't just targeted at DD and the nursery ended up assigning a staff member to watch the other child constantly and intervene as soon as anything happened.

One thing that made DD a target was that she is very verbal for her age and the other child was not - so she ended up communicating in the only way she knew.

I'm not sure how things resolved themselves as we removed DD from nursery a few months later - we were always going to do this but this experience made us accelerate the decision.