Help! I know this is really common but please reassure me...

[bean612]

I just took DD (21 months next week) to her first settling-in session at nursery this morning, and she was fine while I was there, trotting about playing with the toys and looking to see what other children were doing. But after about an hour I went and 'hid' in another room to see how she got on, and within a couple of minutes she was howling 'Mummy! Mummy!'. One of the carers cuddled her and tried to distract her (I could hear but not see this), but it made no difference, and after a couple of minutes she brought her back to me.

I know this is really common, but I'm a bit mystified/miffed by a couple of things: 1) When I phoned to ask about the settling-in, the person I spoke to specifically said that on the first day, I should stay for an hour, then leave for an hour. So after the first hour I said 'Should I go off for a while now?', but was then told it was a bad idea as she would find it tougher as I'd been there for a while. They also said, 2) that I should have just stayed in a corner, visible, but not engaged with her, just left her to explore on her own. Fair enough, and I did do this for the first few minutes, but apart from some friendly hellos and a few attempts to get DD to come over to see what they were doing, none of the staff tried to involve her in anything, so naturally she came back to me. I couldn't (and didn't want to) ignore her, because everyone else was busy (it was circle time, stories etc, and there was a younger child out in the garden with a carer, but when I took DD out there the carer ignored us and just played with the other child).

Should I be worried about their reaction/attitude, and/or their inconsistency in telling me what the settling-in routine should be?

Also, how do you deal with the heartbreaking cries of 'Mummy!'? And will she really be all right when, tomorrow, I just stay for a few minutes, then leave her for 2.5 hours - as is the plan (unless it changes when I get there...)

bean612 that sounds a bit off to be honest. I would drop her off tomorrow, perhaps stay for 10-15mins, then say goodbye (as cheerfully as you can manage) and then pop out for half an hour, then go back and collect her. nothing to 2 1/2 hrs is a big jump.

I also think sounds a bit off,but am feeling fragile as also took ds (27 months) for his settling in session today. I had decide to leave briskly, as we had visited twice before, but he howled when I went to the office and basically had to be prised off me But the staff were trying hard to distract him and had focussed on him,bringing him toys he would like and so on. It was still terrible. I rang after 30 mins to see, they said he was bit unsettled but OK, went back to get him about one hour later,playing happily, but glad to see me and says won't return!! They say to take him back next time, leave him all morning and lunch, then 'til 3pm next time. I too don't know what to do - actually, must apologise as am not helping,just moaning all over your thread,sorry. Hope someone else helps

Don't worry Lippy, it helps that someone else is as anxious as me! That's pretty much what they're suggesting for DD too: 10am till the end of lunch tomorrow, then 10am, lunch and nap the day after (i.e. till about 3pm). DD is a crazily early waker (5.01am this morning, oh yes) and so she is always totally wiped out by the time she's had her lunch, but even so I just can't imagine her happily jumping into a strange bed in a strange place after just a few hours' to get used to everything.

But then I know everyone says it's harder if you stretch out the settling-in over a long period... Oh god, I don't know...

Hope it went OK today. Tuesday is our next day -am not looking forward to it!!

Ah, thanks Lippy. In fact, totally unexpectedly, it was completely fine. A few mins after we arrived I said I was going to do some shopping but that I'd be back soon, and she seemed to be okay about that, and went back to doing some drawing. As I was going out of the door, though, I heard her start to cry, but after a few seconds she stopped.

I left, feeling quite wobbly, and phoned 45 mins later and was told she was fine and hadn't cried at all! Then I phoned about an hour later and they said she was okay but was looking for me a lot, so I should probably come and collect her. When I arrived, the children were sitting down to lunch and she had joined them - she had her back to me so couldn't see me, but I could see her tucking in happily and asking for a drink.

It was only after she'd finished and they said I was here that she got anxious, and they took her to wash her hands and I could hear her asking for me, a bit upset, so I went to meet her outside the bathroom and she looked - ah, I can't describe it, just the way she said 'Mummy!' with such shaky relief, like she'd been holding her breath for ages. Then she said 'Hello Mummy!' a few times, all happy and clearly very relieved indeed. Then all the way home in the buggy, she kept repeating 'Mummy come back, Mummy come back'.

So, anyway, much better than I was anticipating. Lippy, I really hope yours is okay too. Do post and let us know how things go on Tuesday...

Glad went well - they are unpredicatble little creatures, aren't they? Gives me hope, thanks. Will hopefully post good news Tuesday

Hi Lippy, how did it go today? After a good start we've been on a bit of a rollercoaster ride, though yesterday was 'her best day ever' according to the nursery staff (don't know whether that's sweet or a bit daft considering it was only her 4th day!). Don't know about today yet - DH should be on his way to collect her now...

Go with your instincts. I was told DD was fine and then months later I found out she hadn't been .

Well, since you ask, it went very badly! He cried again,unseemly scene, but they said ok when there. But when I collected him had chat with boss woman. Just mentioned idly thought he might be left handed, so could they look out for it and help him. She then basically suggested they should "encourage" him to be right handed, as may be difficult for him if leftie!! I said disagreed with this. She made it clear I was wrong. Then found they had hidden his comfort toy: clearly thought he was too old for it (he's two); and she told me quite proudly happy to leave babies to cry (one was crying) as they would just want picked up all the time. She did say at mum's request. Anyway, I was not happy with all this, quite taken aback, actually, so he's not going back! Ure this is out of the ordinary tho, my friend has worked in many nurseries and tells me that they will be honest about children settling in and are generally very kind to them. Apologies for my rant tho

OMG! There is no way I would use a nursery like this. Flipping heck .

I know. Am going to be impoverished forever now as no alternatives (live in sticks), but just can't have that. he was also bit dehydrated and v upset last night, my poor boy

It is terrible.

Oh crikey, that's bad! I suppose the only good thing is that she was honest about her failings (not that she saw them as such, obviously!) so you knew it was wrong, rather than finding out much later (like sorrento - ouch, poor you sorrento, that's not nice).

My gut feeling is that DD's nursery is good - the staff have been honest about how she's doing I think, and erring on the side of caution - on Friday I was meant to leave her till after naptime but she was quite upset when I dropped her off so they said actually come back at lunchtime. In the end she was okay, so she did stay for a nap (and slept too - miracle!). Then this week - her first 'proper' week - they suggested dropping her off a bit later and collecting a bit earlier than normal hours, which is what I had been thinking myself.

I still think they are a bit chaotic organisation-wise, but the staff are affectionate and attentive with the kids, and they all knew DD's name from Day 1 and were keen to tell me how she'd done when I arrived to pick her up. It's going to be okay I think. I hope!

Yes, that's a good point, at least I don't have dilemma! I do think if they seem affectionate, kind and interested you can feel happy. Especially if she slept, good sign. Good idea about the settling in period too, and being cautious about what is a big step. Sounds good.

sorrento - should say I would be really unhappy with finding that out later, that's horrible. reckon the instincts are the way to go

Lippy, sorry, just realised it sounds like I'm gloating - and also just seen your latest post. I really feel for you - it's so hard to find the 'right' place even in London, where I am, where there are potentially so many choices. It's crap that you don't have more options. Are there any childminders in your area? That was my initial choice before we accidentally ended up with a nanny (long story - she was lovely, but we just couldn't afford her long-term).

No, didn't feel you gloating -just pleased it went well. Have tried a series of ad hoc arrangements for childcare as work is on random days: they have not really worked well, and thought that at least if nursery would not be totally reliant on one person. I too would love a nanny and have tried to persuade DH, as know a great one, but he (realistically) says it would be just too expensive . Will regroup after this latest fiasco, and maybe try to find someone for a couple of days a week. Also suppose might be worse with choice - at least I know what's available here! Am really please going well for your dd tho; you can relax a bit now, I reckon

Lippy, we reassessed the 'nanny is too expensive' line after I sent dh to sit in on some nurseries, he was shocked and appalled and now regularly says how glad he is we opted for a nanny even though it is expensive - the way I see it is that it is cheaper (just) than either of us being at home and this is a very short period in ds's life when he will need this kind of care. I think it's much easier to say it's too expensive if you're not the one doing the settling in at nursery. My feeling now is it is worth every penny even though it means we can't afford holidays etc for a couple of years.

Having said that, a nanny share isn't usually more expensive than a nursery - have you thought about that? My experience of looking for a nanny was that once I had found one I have had many people ask me to nanny share, we don't want to at the moment but it wouldn't be hard if we did.

Thanks for that, nesomja. After taking a short while to regroup after this horrible time, (I did not send him back there, btw!)we are advertising for childcare, in effect a part time nanny to come to the house and look after him here. The problem is that I work very irregular days (maybe 5 or 6 a month?) and am paid only when I actually work, so whilst don't mind cutting back, I am a bit anxious about committing to pay someone possibly more than I am earning. Although I am also anxious about stopping work and not being able to get back into it, sigh. I am interested to hear about the nanny share tho: that would be great! Maybe if I can get someone that will happen to me. But if all else fails, I would rather be strapped for cash, quit work, and my boy be happy than in a horrid nursery.

ps bean if you read this hope it going well now

Hello Lippy!

Sorry you haven't found a solution yet - it's tricky, hey? I also work freelance, but my work is reasonably predictable, thankfully - though there have been days where I have paid the (now ex-)nanny even though I haven't had any work that day. Luckily these have been pretty few and far between, though.

As for us - well, there are still a few tears at the door in the mornings, but she's definitely settling down, albeit quite gradually. But now she will tell me a few things about her day when I ask her in the evenings, is happy to give the nursery manager (who has been her key settling-in person) cuddles, and is very pleased to see me when I go to collect her, but then instead of clinging to me and refusing to let go, will now just give me a big cuddle and then trot off back to the toys. So we're getting there...

Hello, just an update as things are better now . DH has started working four days a week,; he can be flexible as partner in business, and I can work, and dc happy. Result!

Hey, hi Lippy! So glad to hear things are better. Things are good for us too - lately DD has been trotting into nursery without a backward glance. We got there in the end, eh?