Nursery nightmare - advice please

[lucy243]

I have just left my 8 month old son screaming at nursery. He has been doing half day sessions but from the reports from the nursery staff and the way he looks when I collect him he cries/screams on and off the whole time he is there.I think the nursery staff are finding it tough too.

He has slept (cried himself to sleep?) and eaten while there. This is the third week of trying and I am wondering whether he is just not cut out for nursery (he is very clingy and we have never let him cry for long periods). I am going back to work next week and he is due to be at nursery 4 full days.

Do I look for a nanny so that he can be in his home environment or peservere with nursery?

Anyone have a similar experience?

So sorry that you and DS are finding this stressful.

I also work 4 days and dd was in nursery from 6 months so have done this. I have to admit, DD made it easy on us; after the first day she never cried on being dropped off, and when I went to pick her up she looked happy.

I think if she was as consistently upset as your DS sounds, I might have thought of other options. A lot of people on MN are very happy with CM as their care option, and there are a number of threads of how you go about finding a good one. I guess a nanny or CM does not get over the fact that if he is clingy for you, he is still going to find another person difficult to adapt to - although at least he would have that single presence. Obviously a CM will have a couple of other children to focus on to - but so do many SAHMs!

A CM or nanny might be the answer but I would try a bit longer as he may settle in. Does he have a comfort object, favourite toy etc.? - that can help a lot. Also if he can bond with one particular worker.

I Have to admit that after 3 weeks with no real improvement, I would look at other options. Try a CM or nanny if your finances can support this. OUr DD1 was just the same (DD2 much happier to be left) and we ended up going for a nanny - and was the best decision we made. SHe has been so much happier and our lives were so much less stressful.
If you decide to persevere, talk to the nursery as to how to habndle it. Maybe less days back at work to start with?
Good luck.

I honestly think that some children just aren't cut out for nursery - some love all the hustle and bustle and lots of children and adults coming and going, and some really need to have one strong attachment to a carer in a more homely environment.

Nannies are expensive though, I would look into childminders first.

Is it not being with you that's the problem or the fact the nursery is busy?

If it's the first then you'll have the same problems with a nanny or CM at first, but the advantage is they have another primary figure to attach to which is difficult to ensure in a nursery.

If it's the second then it might be solved by a nanny or quiet CM - I'd avoid busy ones who have lots of different children coming different days but one either working under numbers or with the same children every day might work out.

Recruiting a perm nanny in a week is going to be tough though. I would probably keep him in nursery and look for a nanny at the same time. If he settles then call of the search, if he doesn't and you can afford it and find someone you like then give notice the nursery and organise things with the nanny.

One advantage of nursery is that they have several staff for a baby to "choose" from and he may soon find one he gets attached to. This happened with DS and they would change keyworkers to suit him. But it does depend a bit on it being a good nursery with low staff turnover.

Thanks for all of your messages.

RE: clinginess. DS has never been that comfortable with other people but had got to the stage where he could be distracted and play happily when I am not around. Since starting nursery he has become even more clingy, very anxious when strangers in the house and now will not even be held by anyone other than me and DH.

My instinct is that only way childcare is going to work at the moment is if DH can bond with one other person.

There are only 2 carers in baby room at nursery but they each have days off in the week and are replaced by others. They also change rooms depending on the day which I think confuses DS.

We are taking familiar toys but nothing seems to be comforting him.

I called after an hour this morning and could hear him screaming (not just crying) in the background. Heartbreaking. He then cried himself to sleep again.

Even the nursery staff (who seem very good) seem to think that this is an unusually difficult settle in. Unfortunately cannot change working arrangements.

I am conscious it will take time to find alternative arrangements. I think I will look for a nanny but keep nursery on in the meantime and just hope I am not traumatising him too much in the short-term.

sorry meant DS can bond with another - not DH - that would be a whole different set of problems!

How many settling in sessions has he actually had so far though? I know you said three weeks but has he only been in once a week, say?

You do have my sympathies, my DD took a long time to stop crying at drop off, but she did always stop as soon as I'd left the room and whenever I picked her up she was happy and didn't look like she had been upset all day. It must be horrible for you.

One thing they said with DD was that as she goes alternate days (mon, wed, fri) then that makes the settling harder than if doing days in a row, so mon-wed for example. So if your son has so far just had odd days there it might be that when he starts going 4 days he'll settle in much more quickly.

Today is his 7th session. The first three lasted an hour (cried so much nursery called me to collect him). The others have been half days - 2 last week and due to go every day this week. I am hoping that if he goes every day this week there will be an improvement but feel terrible that he is so upset the whole time.

Where abouts do you live, my daughter goes to a nursery in Etwall and started in April she loves it and settled in well.

Really feel for you, it is so hard.

Would second what others have said about looking at CMs. For me, they are the ideal middle ground: one carer, but also a degree of contact with other children.

Good luck!

Lucy i feel your pain

My DS took along time to settle. I manage the nursery so was hard to hear him crying. The babyroom manager was great and ensured his key person was with him and after a few weeks of this (she would great him, sit with him etc) he started to get better. I have to say the systems don't sound that great as there should be more continuity for the baby group. I would give in another few weeks and then look at alternatives, he might still cry at CM but will have a more consistent bond.

My Ds is very change adverse and now he is older its clearer that alot of his upset was the change to his routine. He has just moves rooms and we ahving to start all over again, but thats a whole thread in itself.

I hope it gets easier for you, I made myself ill with worry at the time, but things will get better.

excuse typing!

I did this, my daughter was 10 months and in the end I pulled her out of the nursery and found a CM with just a week to spare. It worked really well and she's never minded being left as much as she did at the nursery. Now, 6 mnths on I feel confident she's ready for nursery and she settling in really well 2nd time round. No tears this time. Good luck, it's heartbreaking I know