I really, desperately wish I only had one child

[twochildrenregrets]

I have two children, with an age gap of two and a half years. Since I returned to work from maternity leave life has been really hard and I held onto the hope that it would improve, but in all honesty it hasn’t and I am very low and struggling to see a way forward.

I need to stress here I’m not looking for advice as much as I need somewhere just to share what I’m feeling and the thoughts that keep racing through my head and try to get them into a logical order and make sense of them, and then maybe I can get into a different frame of mind.

My children are mostly lovely apart. One is six this winter and the other recently turned three. I definitely have some typical behaviour from the three year old of crying and tantrums when tired and overwhelmed but nothing really that bad. My eldest can be boisterous and is very energetic but nothing too bad.

Together, I have always found them difficult to manage. At first I thought this was just a different stage thing: one very challenging period was when they were both home with me and DD needed a nap and how to manage that, but I thought it would improve when ds started school. It has, kind of, but any period when I’m managing them both for extended periods kind of drives me to this place of mind and obviously the summer is probably the longest

There is conflict, it isn’t anything too bad. Ds winds DD up; she has a particularly piercing high pitched scream in response to this followed by hysterical sobbing. Any attempts to deal with it is just met with denials and ‘he pushed me / I didn’t’ ad infinitum (and they aren’t left unsupervised but I sometimes will be looking the other way or nip to the toilet etc.)

DD is very jealous of DS and often tries to take things he treasures away from him. It’s incredibly hard to manage because once you’ve wrestled it away and returned it to ds she just keeps going back ‘mine MINE’ - he (quite understandably) gets very frustrated with this but equally won’t keep his things away from her as I’ve suggested (told) numerous times before.

They are pleasant and calm children alone. I’ve lost count of the number of people who have said so when out and about. They are polite and friendly and interested in the world around them. Together they seem to lose those skills - not always, it isn’t a constant state of mania - but it always feels volatile somehow. Ds in particular has a certain laugh that’s different to his normal laugh. It’s a manic giggle and when I hear it I know they are building up to a period of stupidity. (I do try to separate them but I can’t always, eg in the car is a big one or even in the house if I take one upstairs and the other follows, if it’s gone past a certain point they aren’t listening to me at all.)

DD goes to bed at 7 and wakes at (or before ) 6; without fail. So I am in bed at 10. Ds is more 8-830. So I lose evening and morning time. Small thing but it does add to that general ‘never a minutes peace’ thing.

This is a small thing but I’ve lost a lot of mum friends, who all stuck at one. Their lives moved on while I was thrown back into babies and toddlers and they were able to do things I couldn’t. I guess if I was totally happy with my choices it would be different but as it is it feels like another thing I’ve lost. I feel I’ve lost the relationship I could have had with them both and the mum I could have been. It’s like this awful intrusive thought that keeps coming and won’t go away.

It isn’t that I don’t love them as individuals or that I’m looking at one and wishing one didn’t exist, it’s more the knowledge that I don’t enjoy parenting them together and that I do apart and so it’s hard not to think what life could have been.

I am so ridiculously jealous of people with only one and the relationship they have with them. I know I’ve idealised this in my mind.

Thanks for letting me ramble on!

do you have the support of their dad? It shouldn’t be all on you!

There are kind of two answers to this and I probably should have included that in my Op, but it was already long.

DH works long, long hours. His office is a long way away from our home (DH already lived here when I met him and I don’t know why he lived so far away!) so even a standard 9-5 working day was more like 7-7 with commute. and he travelled a lot too. Tbh I didn’t mind that as you knew where you stood. It’s harder when DH is around because they get more over excited, definitely easier when it’s just me but at the moment he’s unwell and it isn’t malingering, he is actually genuinely ill. So it is 100% on me and I know that’s adding to my feelings but honestly I had them anyway.

It sounds like you’re having a hard time generally OP and that probably hasn’t helped with bringing all these feelings out, especially with it being school holidays too.

I have a similar age gap and genders though mine are 2.5 and 5 at the moment. I don’t try an separate them at all. They play together or usually in the same room and they have to learn how to do it without it going to shit and somebody screaming. It was not an easy skill to learn when to start with they really did have to learn how to do it and there was a lot of shouting/hitting/mediating. But overall it was worth it. They just get on with it now and the arguments are less frequent and they are working out their skills to use their words and ideas to work things out themselves. There’s the odd time where DS builds lego in his room with the door shut and DD has had to learn to respect that.

I appreciate that you might just not have the energy but as an approach it’s worked well for us.

I had 1 for 10 years, then had a second.

I can understand you wishing you only had the one, and maybe you feeling like having one means you catch up on life quicker, but I have to say, a lot of my friends that had 2 or more with a 2-5 year age gap did go through it when they were young, but when both children are in primary school, have a routine and independence (although siblings can bicker) it makes a world of a difference. Sibling rivalry is rife, and when I look at my youngest react to me with other babies, I can only imagine the extra layer of work that goes into managing “sibling rivalry” aswell as keeping everything together.

I struggled with a new sibling when I was young - so much so I remember it as an adult! But we played a lot and the one thing I didn’t have when my eldest was an only, was being able to just let her play with her sibling. I had to take on that sibling role and a lot of it looked like being out a lot (going to parks, finding activities) - because I could only hand so much imagination games as an adult - but it’s also exhausting and pricier than my friends that had 2 that played together all weekend, whilst mine was bored.

I guess I’m saying there are benefits for you somewhere. 3 is also naturally a difficult age. I have found doing an internet search that highlights where they are in development has helped me to find ways to manage the relationship between my 2.

Also, if you have mum friends with children similar to your eldest, can you reconnect with them, go on play dates your eldest can play with someone similar age and you can catch up with some adults.

Navigating early years and early primary is a really tricky stage and very draining for most parents.

You just need to ride the waves and it will get easier and easier as the years roll by.

You cant turn back the clock so unfortunately you’re going to have to ride this part out. It’s a tough age and the most obvious answer is to take them out and run off that energy. Keep meals really easy.

you’ll get better friends, I’ve had 3 kids and managed to keep friendships with those who have 1 child.

Also it sounds more like the set up with dh is the main problem. If that was different you would feel different. Maybe that needs looking at.

I promise it’ll get easier. I felt the same when my eldest started school and I had a baby to look after while everyone else swanned around doing after school clubs with ease.

Now my second is 4 I’m so thankful to live the early school years again etc.

I find friendships constantly change when you have kids as people move on.
Parenting is hard if you have 1,2,3,4 kids, it's just hard!
I found with mine when they went through phases of bickering I would get more involved in their play and then slowly edge away. For example when they were playing with the toy kitchen I'd be chef and they'd be customers and we'd take it in turns until I could escape. Almost setting the tone for them. I know it's not easy and sometimes it's the last thing you can be bothered with but it might help. Also getting them outside more in any weather helps. I know even as an adult spending too much time with one person would make me want to scream and shout!
It is hard when it all comes down to you.

Are you the same poster who had an almost identical story last week? If not try to find that one to read.

@Crumpetring i guess I read and (thank you!) think ‘but how?’ I mean - you just ignore the screams or let them sort themselves out? I have no idea. As that seems unfair to the targeted child and potentially to the younger one (I’m not suggesting you are unfair, just that the conflict may be quite mild if they are just left to sort themselves) I find things can escalate quite quickly here.

@theprincessthepea thank you. I keep hoping it will get better, I pray so! I think my sorry is that so many have insisted it does get better after the first three / six / twelve / eighteen months and then things turn a corner … I haven’t found this, I’m still finding it unbearably hard! But I hope this is true.

@MrsWinslowsSoothingSyrup thank you really hope you’re correct!

@Sometimeswinning i do honestly recognise this and normally I’m not one to have regrets. I normally am very much of the ‘well, it happened so deal with it’ (obviously more sympathetically if talking to someone else!) but for some reason I just can’t seem to do this. It makes me very sad and low.

@jsfv thats one really good point, what’s a logistical nightmare with two is so easy and straightforward with one.

@Itsthewoluff i have no idea what I’ve posted and when, not helped by the fact that i lost my login details about a month ago and had to start a new account! I DO remember I posted a wail around Christmas. Like I say, any time when I have them both for extended periods really, really affects me.

Could you move nearer dh work so he's home more to help? I think that your dh helping more would be the solution here.

@AutisticMumOf2 DHs illness has thrown everything into chaos and it’s unlikely he’ll be able to continue working in the way he used to.

We did actually discuss it (probably a bit vaguely) once but it would likely take years; selling our house, buying another, finding a new job, uprooting children from school … and I’m not sure it makes a lot of difference really. But in any case it’s moot at the moment

I think I’ve come to realise I like calmness and that just doesn’t come with two children, it isn’t just twice the work it’s also navigating and managing that relationship.

As your DH isn't able to support you much do you have any other childcare options? My sister has 2 kids and finds them incredibly difficult together but in the holidays makes them some separate plans to help everyone cope. The 3 year old could be in private nursery all year around for the funded hours (approx 3 days a week) so you don't have both of them for all the school holidays and your 6 year old could go to some holiday clubs on the days you have your younger child meaning you'll only have one child some of the week and mainly just need to manage weekends. That's assuming you don't have any family childcare options. I will have 2 kids very soon and know I'm going to struggle with the school holidays, once the youngest is 2 though they'll be going to nursery year round for the funded hours to help keep me sane during holidays!

Try making bedtime 7:30 for DS.
You will gain restful time to yourself.

Ask DH to always attend to early bird children who wake up while he is getting ready for work.

Otherwise it sounds like you can't do much more than not take sides at all. Any toy goes up on the fridge and both kids into their own reflective spaces.

It's hard for you. Hope DH's health improves.
Could you all do better if you moved closer to work?

@ThatMintMember I have sent my ds to a holiday club for a couple of days but I do feel bad about it as he doesn’t love it … I hope when both are at school (or school age I should say) I can book them in for separate days, it feels like a bit of a nuclear option in some ways though, like I’m just permanently keeping them apart from one another.

@user1492757084 it just doesn’t work like that because I can’t get him showered, listen to him read and read to him in half an hour, hence the later bedtime.

DH won’t be returning to work as it was.

Maybe you could find some other options where he enjoys it more like forest school or gymnastics club or something. I wouldn't feel bad for keeping them apart as I think it benefits them too not being stuck together when they don't want to be. They also would get plenty of time together still but not so constant.

Maybe but I guess it still feels like the wrong way of tackling it, rather than pretending I only have one child (I know that’s not what you’re suggesting!)

Can't they go to bed later at the same time as each other, and then maybe they'll wake up later? Of course a child will wake up early if sent to bed early! They can't sleep forever!

@Pearofplums often it is the opposite; she actually went to bed half an hour later last night and woke at half five rather than six. It would work if she was a clockwork kind of child (ds is; the later he goes to bed generally the later he’ll sleep in the morning) but she doesn’t work like that unfortunately.

Yes it’s the same person. The ages are the same as well

To start with I would go in straight away and ask them to use their words to tell me what was going on and then I would ask them what we should do to fix it or what we should do differently/help them work out what we should do. Then over time they would be able to better use their words themselves to say to each other what they wanted (instead of just screaming), once they could say what they wanted it would then be easier for them to work out a solution between them (because nobody was screeching or hitting) but sometimes I still have to go and mediate.

Or one of them is removed from the play because they can’t play nicely or what their playing with gets taken away because they can’t work out a way to play nicely with it together.

Its a hard balance as you don’t want one child to be hard done by but equally for example your younger one needs to learn she can’t just take her brothers things.

I think realistically you deal with things one issue at a time, one of mine when they were younger had a piercing wail. I couldn’t stand it, it went right through me and set me on edge.

Deal with the screeching, teach her that there are better ways of expressing her frustration. Teach her to use words, to come to you when things are escalating.

Fair warning though, you may end up with teens who tell their mates to ‘communicate better bro.’

A book I found useful was playful parenting, whilst its not about making everything a joke it was useful to help me redirect emotions to cooler waters and then deal with whatever the issue of the day was.