Late pregnancy and planned adoption

[Needtobecalmbutimskyhigh]

My daughter went to get an abortion and has discovered she is 32 weeks gone, so obviously can't.

None of us had any idea. She's not showing at all.

She doesn't want to be a mum.

She wants to choose adoption. I am being supportive.

I know it's not about me on any level, and I'll stick by whatever she wants 100% and she will never see a moment of any other emotion but support from me.

I just need somewhere to be a bit sad too.

We have an initial meeting with the social worker next week.

How old is she op?

Do you support this, above raising the child yourself?

She's 20. Thriving at uni, working her way up at her job, living on her own and currently in huge shock.

I have offered to raise the child she thinks it would be too hard.

I have to support her choices.

What a difficult but brave decision your daughter has made. This child will hopefully have a lovely happy home as a much-wanted blessing for adoptive parents. My aunt was adopted as a baby, and had the most wonderful and happy childhood, with a true sense of family and belonging. I'm not sure what the current rules are regarding keeping in touch with birth family, especially in "simple" circumstances such as this where there is no abuse etc, but I hope you can find peace and reassurance about this choice

I agree that for yoir daughter it’s all or nothing, that seeing you raise them as your own will be harder. You can write letters to the child and explain and they’ll grow up
knowkg they didnt come from an abusive situation and removal but a young person who wanted to give them what she couldn’t

Kindly, this could be useful to read. https://www.proceduresonline.com/trixcms1/media/5980/guidance-ace-practice-guidance-relinquished-babies-final.pdf

The local authority have a duty of care for the baby to be brought up with their own birth family, so although they will offer counselling to your daughter, and check her mental capacity, ultimately support her decision, they will ask you, and any other extended family (inc father if he is known and his family) if you can give the baby a home, regardless of mother’s decision, should she go ahead and want baby adopted. Their duty is to the baby. So if you do want to bring up your grandchild, you can. I’m sure this will bring on a lot of emotions and could affect decisions, relationships and the future. I would let the SW lead conversations to protect yours and your daughter’s relationship. Take care

I absolutely understand her saying no, I just want her to know that she has options, I would be willing to foster until she's ready as well, whatever she wants. I won't do anything outwith her wishes.

The father is unknown, I don't wish to go into details about that, its all very traumatic but goes some way to explaining her finding out so late.

I have no idea how any of this works at all, so am trying to learn all I can quickly.

It's such a shock for us both. I'm trying to support her as much as I can without pushing her in any direction.

This sounds so incredibly hard for your DD and you and you must both be feeling all sorts of emotions. I hope the meeting with the SW goes ok and the best possible solution can be found given the circumstances

SW will undoubtedly try to get you to care for your grandchild. You'll likely get no money and little support if you go down that route.

I'm so sorry 😞 of course you will support your daughter but your sadness is understandable and valid. In time, it might be beneficial (for both of you) to have some counselling, just to be able to talk through difficult feelings in a non-judgemental environment?

This is wrong for several reasons. Firstly when a child is voluntarily surrendered for adoption there is no 'pressure' on family members to care - it is only in line with the wishes of the birth mother/parents. Secondly, kinship carers are entitled to financial support in law, if OP did go down that route, depending on the legal framework.

DP and I didn't find out DP was pregnant until DP went into labour. Different situation in that we were a couple (although we'd only been going out 11 months), and we're mid 20s, so a bit older. Neither of us ever wanted kids.

It's an absolute head fuck of a thing to come to terms with at short notice, and we considered adoption for a few days in the panic of it all. At the end of the day, all you can do is support.

DPs parents were horrified at the idea of adoption, and kept trying to push us towards alternatives, like them fostering etc. all it did was push us more firmly into adopting.

My Mum on the other hand just listened. Suggested options when relevant, but never tried to push us in a particular direction.

Reading between the lines of your posts, it sounds like this child may be the result of a sexual assault (apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick there), which obviously adds an extra layer. Even if you looked after the child, then that's not going to fix your daughter's fear that she'll relive that every time she sees them.

When the child is born, all the current feelings may change. All you can do @Needtobecalmbutimskyhigh is to continue to be the loving supportive mum you are.

The child will never 'go away', even if put up for adoption. There will always be a yearning in its heart to understand the blood line and roots. I hope that whatever the outcome, it will be loved and nurtured according to all babies' birth-rights. I hope that your girl has peace in her heart around any and all of her decisions. You too.

This is so hard for you both, I'm sorry op. Be as sad as you like It is sad, but you're being a great mum to your daughter