cw: rape, CSA, please do take care while reading
Inspired by the recent horrific news story... Not at all the same situation but it's got me thinking.
I know several women, myself included, who, if they were asked the question "Have you been raped?" would answer "Maybe?".
The legal definition is "without that person's consent, and without a reasonable belief in that consent".
So for myself, the first event was a "maybe?". He probably did believe there was consent, but was it reasonable to do so? I was so drunk I was falling asleep. I don't know. This was also two decades ago.
Second was a "yes", I think. I said no several times but didn't physically resist. That was the man I was supposed to marry.
I have been wondering why I, and it seems others I know, mentally shut events like this in a box as we do.
In my case it was because, in the case of person one, I didn't FEEL "traumatised enough" (was very mentally unwell at the time so it seemed like the tip of an iceberg) for it to be significant enough to be rape... But then again I must have been traumatised deep down because I bumped into the guy years later and I took myself by surprise by screaming at him completely.
The ex partner... It was almost too seismic to categories that way in my head. Because I'd have to put a bomb under my whole life (move out, break up etc) so it was far easier to explain it away internally than react.
And of course in both cases, there is absolutely no way on earth they would ever be able to be prosecuted for it. It would be my word against theirs. It would be a whole pile of pointless trauma for nothing.
It feels quite simple to tell someone else "That sounds like you were raped", but why is it so hard to do on ourselves?
I don't really have a question by the way, I'm just trying to make sense of all this in my head and I suspect some people can relate.
I'm also a CSA survivor - so I feel like I've been completely confused about all this stuff from day one.
If you feel comfortable sharing, please do. Whenever a high profile case like this comes up I feel all churned up inside and don't know who to talk to.