Soon to be Mum without a village

[biondina]

Hi all,

I’m expecting my first baby in early July and finding it hard not having much support around. Both my parents have passed away, and while we live in the UK (where I’m from), my husband is Canadian. His parents have chosen not to be involved – they didn’t attend our wedding and won’t travel here to help. We’re both only children, and having just moved into our new home, we don’t really know anyone nearby yet. Just feeling quite alone and hoping to connect with others in a similar situation. How have you coped? Also did you chose “natural” birth or c section? Because we have to pay to put our dog in kennels for the birth (lack of village) we need the certainty to be able to book dog in for that date and can’t afford 2 weeks either side of the due date.

Thanks!

We also had no village when our DS was born in part due to our ages meaning GP were very elderly or deceased.

We did literally everything ourselves and I mean everything. Nobody even so much as made us a cup of tea. We have never received an hour’s help from anyone and had to pay for any support we need such as childcare.

I had an elective C-section which was extremely straightforward and I was back up and running pretty much as normal after a few days.

It is quite daunting to start with but you will soon get into a rhythm and work it all out.

I did join quite a few local baby and toddler groups and found this a really useful way to meet others in similar circumstances. As there are no other young children in our extended family it provided a really good environment for my DS to interact with others his own age.

4 years down the line and I’m actually quite grateful of our circumstances now. We are not answerable to anyone else and have the freedom to do what we want when we want.

Don’t worry too much. You’ll have an amazing time.

While my partner family were around they were not much of a village.
We attended NCT classes so made some connections that way but not much. I went to different groups and made friends that way.

With my first from booking into being home was less then 12 hours. Does your dog cope with that sort of time frame.
Also do check in with your neighbours. If any of mine said would you mind feeding the dog and taking it for a walk while I'm in labour I'd say yes without hesitation. I'm sure most would.

There's a local section on Mumsnet to help form connections - put a post on there and see?
Or try peanut?
Where are you based?

I think this is very common- more usual than not.

For your dog, I’d suggest contacting a couple of local dog walkers and finding someone who will take a key and could come and pick up your dog for a walk or two at short notice. Or ask a neighbour to look in. I don’t think you need 24h kennelling and I certainly wouldn’t be making medical decisions around the dog’s needs.

Another one here without a village. GPS on both side just not interested.

im very sorry for your loss with your parents, becoming a parent yourself can bring up all sorts of feelings. Make sure your kind to yourself

i won’t lie it’s been hard, and it’s hard when you see other people with support.
are you going back to work?
I tried a couple of baby groups but didnt get on with them, I know some find friends that way. When I went people were already in those groups and weren’t very welcoming. I could have persisted and tried more. Perhaps I should have, my self esteem and confidence was on the floor though.
It’s got easier (teens so coming out the other side!) and our family are undeniably tight!! We’ve picked up a couple of friends now through junior school. We’ve never used or had childcare as ours were funny about being left, one of us goes or we all go. That does mean they were impeccably behaved in adult environments and have been to some very interesting places.

Me and dh now are trying to navigate finding ourselves as a couple again now as that’s been lost along the way a bit. I’m not worried about us, it’s just going to take a bit of effort to find who we are now.

back to your questions, I had an emergency c section. It was fine for the cat as dh was home within a few hours and then back and forth. Do you have a local dog walker who you could use?

This was pretty much us, but without the dog. You need to build your village.

Can you sign up to prenatal classes? (NCT etc). This can be an "off the shelf" village sometimes. (I didn't really gel with my group though).

Parent and baby groups are for the benefit of the parents, not the babies! Find out what's on locally (Facebook; health visitor; village, library and community notice boards; cafes; churches; sports centres) and go to it!! Speak to people! Reach out.

Sixteen years on the lady I met the health visitor non-walking baby group is my best friend ever. Our babies are taking their GCSEs, and we've been through so much together. I tease my teens and tell them that meeting X is the best thing about having them.

When your baby is older invite people to birthday parties. Join the PTA. Make teas for the cricket club. You'll find support in all sorts of places. At one point my emergency contact for school was a cricket club mum, who my dc knew a bit, but she either worked from home or was miles and miles away. Me too. Dads both absent - so we agreed to pick up each other's dc if we were home but the other wasn't.