Hi op, you have gone through a really terrible trauma. I am so sorry for the loss of your partner. I have experience of suicide in my family and there are some very particular agonies that accompany it.
Did you have any therapy or grief counselling at the time?
The reason I ask is that having suffered the loss of your partner, any loss you suffer now, such as your son going travelling, and moving away from your old home and neighbourhood (both things which are difficult enough anyway) is likely to re-activate strong feelings of loss and bereavement in general, which are always with you. So give yourself some grace for that.
Also, while you were still at your old home where you lived together, although it was very painful, there was comfort in those memories too. And moving away from that is confronting, as is the reality of this next chapter of your life now, which comes in the shape of a new front door and bricks and mortar. That is bound to throw you off,
Have you got friends and family and rl support around you where you are now?
If not, I would try and set something up, such as joining a choir or a walking group or other hobby which allows you to talk as well as “do”. Creative hobbies can help too.
This is a bit of a cliché, but if you are an animal lover; now might be the time to adopt a dog or buy a puppy. Not only are they great companions; animals tend to bring other people in to your life, such as vets and dog-walking companions, and there are more organised dog-centred events nowadays than ever before, And of course walking every day brings great physical & mental health benefits.
I would give yourself permission to feel crap for a while. Acknowledge that this is going to be very challenging and take things very slowly. If it all feels overwhelming and depressing, then you are expecting too much of yourself, so perhaps you can dial back a bit and do half of what you had planned. Don’t expect too much of yourself, Just focus on sleep, eating well and exercising and looking after the basics and maybe meeting a few new people?
You have done the right thing by taking your time and not moving too hastily. This is the next step and it’s a big one and it takes at least a year to eighteen months to feel truly at home and familiar with a new place. Practice saying “yes” to every invitation you receive, however much you are dreading the event, and focus on setting up this new life now so that, although it isn’t at all what you wanted or envisaged, it does suit your individual preferences and the way that you want to live now.
If the problem is more that you are still struggling to accept your bereavement and you are not sure how you want your future to look, then you might benefit from some further grief counselling.
Other than the above, I would say it’s entirely normal to feel as you do. Five years is no time at all and grief stays with you. So I am not surprised that you are finding this difficult, because you are doing something that is incredibly hard.
💐💐💐
Edited to say: there are some good threads specifically about youngsters leaving home on the teenage and young adult boards here that might be worth looking at too,