MIL entitlement

[lolli96]

So after experiencing a very traumatic birth, I experienced PTSD as a result of it and my partner also suffered from it, we kept to ourselves in our newborn bubble for the first few weeks of our babies life - whilst overcoming our trauma and finding our feet.

MIL was invited round to meet her grandchild for the first time however declined since she was Christmas shopping.
An alternative date was arranged and prior to her attending alongside SIL my partner set clear boundaries with not discussing the birth due to us both being vulnerable and still trying to process what had happened.

As soon as she visited all she could do was try and probe me about the birth and ask stupid questions more so out of thinking she was entitled to know - this triggered my PTSD to the point where I broke down behind closed doors (I refused to allow her to see me that way).
During her visit she was digging 'thank you for allowing me to see my grandson' and 'next time I would like to spend a little longer with him if that's okay but thank you for the opportunity'.

Since everything was still raw I was taken aback and unable to advocate for myself but I made it clear to my partner if she ever does that again she will be asked to leave our home - where I will not be made to ever feel worthless in that way again. There was boundaries set and clearly disrespected.

I understand she wants a relationship with her grandchild and will never not allow one however boundaries needs to be respected.
So instead moving forward we agreed to go to hers so we are in control (can decided when to leave etc) however now other family members are going to be present which now fills me with dread to think about my child being passed from pillar to post.

What upsets me the most is the entitlement of people who was never involved during the pregnancy however have a title of a grandparent and now believe they can put me and my family in positions for the benefit of them - which is something I am not here for.

If there are any words of advice about how to handle the situation and setting clear boundaries when I am there that would be greatly appreciated.
I mostly worried about my child being passed constantly for 'cuddles' and 'pictures' where it will just get him overstimulated which is something I am not here for.

Say you’re sick and don’t go!

I mostly worried about my child being passed constantly for 'cuddles' and 'pictures' where it will just get him overstimulated which is something I am not here for.

I genuinely don’t understand the issue? Newborns are sleeping and will cuddle on other relatives for hours. Not wanting them to have cuddles or pictures with the baby in case the baby gets overstimulated is really over the top. The baby isn’t actually upset, there’s no need to act like they are. If the baby is upset by alls means take them back and comfort them but there’s no reason to not allow family members to hold them out of paranoia.

I’m also struggling to see how your MIL made you feel worthless in your own home. Even if the comment about staying longer next time was a jab but it’s still a bit much to claim she purposely made you feel worthless.

Its worth considering if you have PPD, because some of these thoughts sound really extreme and controlling and I think they could get in the way of you enjoying your baby.

Don’t let the baby be passed around, they can look over at him/her in the basket or in your lap.

I had a traumatic birth too, with my first. I nearly came out of hospital without him or he could have been brain damaged. Honestly I never forgot it but the baby was seemingly healthy at the time, I was in pain too and just wanted to move on. Don’t make the bad birth the focus. This is a new dawn and you both survived it. All the best x

Have you and your partner actually been diagnosed with PTSD? If so, what support are you receiving? If not you'll probably need to speak to your GP about getting some support if you think you have it.

A newborn won't be overstimulated from cuddles but if you don't want that then just have the baby in your arms all the time.

Hi OP sorry to hear you had a traumatic birth, and congratulations on your little one.

The feelings you're describing are totally normal. You've been through something huge. Lots and lots of mothers struggle with their baby being passed around. Those feelings will pass!

It was totally out of order for MIL to probe about the birth when she had been asked not to. You being irritated by her for that is a normal response.

However, it sounds like you're holding a lot of resentment/anger towards MIL that isn't totally proportionate (unless there's a back story that you haven't included within your post).

Of course MIL is going to want to see her grandchild, and while they're so little, I doubt they would become over stimulated by being passed around. They are 90% potato at this point!

My advice would be to be assertive but pick your battles. If your baby is being held by someone else and becomes upset ask for them back. If they say they are quite capable of settling them etc just say thanks I'm sure you are but it's important to me that I am there to settle my baby.

Remember that it is a benefit to your child to form relationships with their family members.

If you want, you can always have somewhere else to be. So when you go to MIL's house mention that you need to collect your food shop at X time, need to take your dog for a check up, etc. It gives you an easy out if you become overwhelmed without causing a fuss.

Thanks guys - there is a back story with the MIL but it would take some time for me to write. Long story short there has been no support throughout our journey (fertility assistance, during the birth/afterwards) as she was not centre of it all.

She is a very self centred individual who does not provide any kind of support to her son nor does she show any interest in his or our lives unless it concerns her.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and currently receiving support from the appropriate services.
We do have family and friends who cuddle our child, feed him etc but I don't trust my MIL one bit and I think that's because of how she's treated her children in the past.

My partners agreed to set boundaries when we visit and there's other family members there and with my MIL so guess we will see when the time comes how it goes.

Any other words of wisdom you are more than welcome it's greatly appreciated!

I’m sorry you’ve had such an awful time.

She was insensitive to start questioning you about the birth when she knows that it was very traumatic for you and she’d been asked not to bring it up. She made you feel vulnerable in your own home.

Have you (and your DP) had any support dealing with what happened? Have you had a debrief with a midwife? It’s very difficult because well meaning acquaintances and wider family are going make comments or ask questions without realising that it’s very triggering for you. It’s going to make situations like taking your baby to meet the extended family an emotional minefield.

What upsets me the most is the entitlement of people who was never involved during the pregnancy however have a title of a grandparent and now believe they can put me and my family in positions for the benefit of them

I understand what you’re saying. You’ve been through a marathon and these people have just popped in at the end for the pictures. It’s natural to feel protective of your baby. I think that your birth trauma is only going to make you feel more defensive. It might help to think about things from your child’s point of view. Your insensitive MIL is going to be the grandmother who will sit and watch them do the dance they learned, for the 50th time, and tell them they’re wonderful. Random male relative will be the one who will find the time to kick a ball around with them when they’re 6 and football obsessed. These people will (hopefully) come to mean something to your child.

Just saw your post about your MIL. Sometimes people can surprise you and shitty parents can be good grandparents. If she doesn’t manage that, hopefully some of the others will come through for your child.

Couple of days ago.

Roadworks on short dual carriageway leading to roundabout. The left hand lane was closed.
Signs out at 300, 200, 100 m away from the closure. Cones closing off the lane clearly visible.

I get into right hand lane in good time as do 99% other drivers.

Still a few cars racing up the left and pushing in.

Many who was waiting to come push in winds down window and tells me that it says in the Highway Code that I should let him in, that cars should be let in alternately.

I'm not sure that it does, nor does it say that it's fine to race up the empty lane to push in right at the top.

@Bedknobsandhoovers start your own thread.

FYI using both lanes and filtering one from each side at the point the lanes merge is the sensible and quickest way to proceed. Those who choose to filter in early can create more problems because everyone has a different idea when they should do it.